DP and Exes AIBU

[treasurethis]

Hello all,

I am hoping for a little perspective perhaps a bit of a 'head wobble'. I am a first time poster, thought I've been a lurker for a while now.

A bit of background: My DP and I have been together since May 17, owing to a Mirena coil failure we have a 22 month old son. We are not married, he owns the house that we live in and I provide all the childcare owing to a demanding shift pattern for him. I therefore am self employed earning a low income that just about supports me. He also gives me a couple hundred every month so 'near enough a good guy' despite me being in a stupidly risky position. We are in our 30s.

When we got together I was unaware that he was actually still in a relationship with his now ex (L). In fact I only found out from the neighbour because as my pregnancy progressed it was a 'one in, one out and this ones pregnant' scenario. In effect I was the OW. I was gutted. Whilst I'd never seen her previously, she'd been staying in the spare room under the impression it was a bad patch they'd work through together. During the explosions of emotion that followed I found out that this wasn't a one of off for my now 'DP'. He had in-fact cheated on a previous girlfriend (Ex D) and left her for her close friend (Ex L).

After months of discussions we decided to maintain this relationship for the sake of our unborn child and everything was just about ok. Until now.

DP has always remained friendly with exes, they'd usually pop up around birthdays for a catch up and well wishes and I'd not hear about it again for another year. I felt this was weird, didn't understand it but ok it's a ' happy birthday what have you been up to' type thing.

EX D is now going through a divorce and dealing with treatment/surgeries related to the BRCA gene. She seems to have turned to my DP as a confidante. She is seeing someone and they regularly talk about her sex life, our sex life and recently the arguments that have stemmed from this new closer friendship. He feels it appropriate to text her from our bed and when I bought this up he decided that the best resolution to this problem was just to stay up late to text her instead.

Accordingly to him this is a platonic friendship and I am being unreasonable. The most recent discussions over massage complete with happy ending aren't sexual (he's adamant) and essentially I am batshit.

Am I? Is this kind of thing something you accept in supposedly commuted relationships?

No, you don't and shouldn't.

I wouldn't accept this, neither should you.

Near enough a good man

No nothing about this is good. He moves from woman to woman and your living situation is awful. You do everything for what £200 a month like some living maid

You need to leave. Of course it's not something you just accept.

Do you have family who would take you in until you get on your feet?

His ego needs all this attention... Basically he is spelling out to you your relationship isn't enough for him.
Grab your self respect and Ltb today.

I think that's where I am at. My eyes were open to the fact that if it hadn't of been for a surprise pregnancy I would have left the minute I knew he was still with his Ex. In fact he asked me not to terminate.

I'm not holding resentment towards this woman, I sympathise a lot with her current situation but - I guess we each have our own moral compass. And what did I expect?

Thank you for confirming my gut feeling. He's playing the victim as if I'm being controlling. Time to drop it and get my ducks in a row.

He also gives me a couple hundred every month so 'near enough a good guy' despite me being in a stupidly risky position.

If you say so.

Sounds shit to me, though.

I know it will be painful and you will have to build a life as s single mum but you have the chance of happiness, whereas if you stay with him you will be labelled controlling and crazy. Each year will create greater financial inequality and as you get older it will feel harder to leave.

It is the right thing to leave as you will never be able to thrive with a deceptive and manipulative man.

Thanks Tech,

I know you're right. Sitting in a little pit of misery right now because let's face it, I've always known. I

He’s not committed to you financially and certainly not emotionally

The plus side of you not being entwined with him with a house etc is that it is easy to just go. And I think you should

@treasurethis,my life hasn't turned out how I thought it would be but I have my DC and that is a blessing. Many, many women are taken in so you are not alone.Having children will always make us more vulnerable, whereas men can walk away but you will realise over time and as your son gets older that you are the beneficiary.

Being labelled controlling causes you to doubt yourself and weaken boundaries, which is what he wants. Do you have family support? Might be worth looking at the freedom program, just to understand the impact on you.

Get evidence if his income work out your child support payment take it from there

There was more to my post I swear 🙄

I mean, sort out your finances to claim benefits you need to be earning the minimum income floor to get decent benefits so dont be caught out with that

Housing, can you go to your parents or afford to rent a flat?

Would you be able to work part time

His shift pattern is very odd on a 4 week pattern but I could look it at bank work. I guess I know this is it. He knows how I feel she knows how I feel and yet it's carried on. Sat currently discussing the TV show 'naked attraction' on its own not such a big flag but it just seems that the conversation only ever revolves around sex and nudity. I'm not happy with it. I need to start telling myself 'not my business'

you need to leave...

I've told him there's no future for us. It's a boundary that has been crossed, I feel there's been a completely lack of respect for me or for our 'family unit' and it's still going on. Neither have attempted to come back from it. I don't deserve this.

correct.... make sure you claim CMS too

Good for you.."I don't deserve this" is definitely the right emotion.

That is when I knew I was leaving. I no longer tried to fix him or resolve conflicts as I knew what was happening was unfair and disrespectful and I deserved to be treated with respect.

Btw, I think if he has managed to string along other women then he is probadly quite skilled at manipulation, or knows how to target vulnerable women.

@Techway I think the trickiest part is that he has explained it to this woman and she sees no problem in it either. Bearing in mind I haven't gone on his phone in secret, he's shown me or Its caught me eye as we sit side by side. She agrees with him (admittedly according to him!) that I'm controlling and I don't trust him/paranoid etc. Apparently she's even offered to message me to discuss it - can't face that drama.

What a ridiculous set up OP, I'd let her message so you can appraise her that it's just a bit depressing quite how many exes he does the same thing with.

He's a waste of your life OP, look into your financial options and claim child maintenance from him. It doesnt matter what he says at the end of the day, it matter what he does and what he is doing is pathetic. Thank your lucky stars you have the strength and intellect to know it when others have yet to grasp the fact.

wow.. nice bit of gas lighting and coercive control going on there between those two OP.. get the hell away from all of them.. they are actually insane ..

Get yourself and your baby to a safe place..

do not engage with anyone regards the intricacies of your relationship.. because you will never know how he has painted you to either woman... this is a dangerous man .. making you out to be crazy... please leave with the child.. do not leave your child...

Thanks all, my mind is made up and I'm just happy to be told I'm not completely insane. Regardless you've made me see that it's a toxic environment.

I decided not to message this woman, she knows he's a liar and a cheat because she experienced it at the end of their relationship. Plus let's face it, anything she says is just going to bring me additional pain.

Good on you OP.. set the wheels in motion to get yourself out..

she knows he's a liar and a cheat because she experienced it

Yes, given she knows what he is, she is either very vulnerable, deluded or he is manipulating her. An emotionally healthy person would not get involved to this level in someone's else relationship.
An absolute red flag for me now in any relationship would be drama. I would put on my shoes and run like my life depended on it (because my emotional health does depend on it).

I am glad you posted to ask for perspective but it proves how easy we can be thrown when a supposedly trusted partner tells us we are being unreasonable/controlling. That is the manipulative part.