Suspicions

[supersop60]

Five years ago my DP had an emotional affair with the mother of a child he was tutoring. I posted on here about it.
We had one counselling session, and DP thought that was enough. Apart from the initial rows when it came to light, we've never really discussed it properly, which is largely my fault, because I was a coward about bringing it up.
I don't think I've really got over it, and I am occasionally triggered.
Like this evening.
My daughter is looking for recommendations for a driving instructor, and told me she'd found one that DP had recommended. This instructor lives in the same village that the OW lives in.
How did he even know about this instructor? I've been looking up people in our town and nearby, which seems logical to me.
My suspicions are that he's still in contact with OW and she's told him about this instructor (may even have taught her own DS)
What do I do now? If I'm wrong, I'll feel a fool. If I'm right, what then?

Thing is until you resolve this, there will always be triggers.

Which lead to suspicions and built up resentment and so on.

Ask him. Where did he find the details of this particular instructor?

Has he given you any reason to doubt him since the EA? Any signs he is still in touch with OW?

Small things, and they may be nothing. Eg, he goes to the Tesco which is near her, and (a very quaint and picturesque) town which is nearer to her than us, he prefers the tip which is nearer to her than us. Fair dos - it has a recycling shop. He's done a couple of gigs for the choir she's in (he's a musician) and I THINK, has done a concert at her house. When he goes for a run, it's usually in the woods near her house, where he used to run, secretly, with her.

Oh op I feel for you. I'm not sure what you can do. If you ask him and he says my mate Bob gave me the name, will that answer do or will you still doubt him?

I've had a similar experience. 2 years ago I discovered that my dh was texting a female colleague - flirting, photos of her dressed. He'd also told a friend that nothing physical had happened - so I knew that much. Anyway we talked about it a lot. Later in year a few secret texts between them - popped up on computer while I was on it! Harmless texts, but I felt they were laughing at me. Trust is gone and I can't get it back.

I dwell on it at times and wish I could see all the texts as I don't believe it was all one way. I understand what you mean about being triggered. The problem is whatever he says, it won't be good enough as you doubt him.

It does sound like he's still seeing her.

Are you sure it was only an emotional affair?

I wouldn’t call those small things when you put them all together like that. I would have gone super detective by now, including checking his phone. Hang in there OP and trust your instinct

I spent a lot of time when it originally happened, checking emails and phone records, and I promised myself that I wouldn't waste my time doing that anymore. Besides which, he has everything locked down and I don't know any passwords etc
I am sure it was only an emotional affair because he was convinced he'd done nothing wrong - they were 'just friends' (yes, I have read the book)

I have been through similar (and it was an affair) and would rather do a naked Boxing Day swim in the sea than go through that again. It's a complete mind-fuck.

Doesn't matter if he's having an affair or not,it sounds as if you don't trust him. May be best for both of you to part. If he is having an affair you're better of without him, if he isn't he deserves to live without the constant suspicion.

Your H is likely interacting with OW.

He was not remorseful and did not take responsibility for his infidelity. It is appalling that he is not providing full transparency and has ‘everything locked down.’ His refusal to continue couples counseling or initiate open discussions to reassure you speaks volumes..

He was a poor bet going forward, and it looks like he has resumed contact with OW, if indeed he ever really cut contact. You need to tackle this and confront him, OP. Why would you feel like a fool? He is the one who cheated, so he needs to answer your questions and provide transparency.

Personally, I would not choose a life of anxiety and uncertainty with this untrustworthy man.

Oh OP I think I remember your thread - I found it rather haunting. They’d go into the kitchen and make jokes about a tart (asparagus)?

What do you have to lose by asking him about this? Would it be any worse than living like this?

Definitely suspicious I’m afraid.

Trust your gut x

You had one counselling session and HE decided that was enough? Did you get any say in this? He still isn't willing to be open with you and allow access to his phone etc? It sounds very much like he has just carried on with his affair and you are expected to put up and shut up. I'm not surprised you don't trust him and I think you are absolutely right not to trust him! It seems very likely that he is having an ongoing affair with this woman. What you do about that is a decision for you though. I hope you are OK.

It sounds like torture. I'm sorry 😐 you're going through this.

When you found out, did he really make any true effort to make things better? To work hard at your marriage?

I would do some digging personally with the knowledge that 1. if I found anything incriminating, divorce would be only answer and 2. if I didn't find anything, the trust has gone and either divorce or a life filled with regular snooping / torture faced me.

It's vile that that misery has been foisted on you.

Dont waste another 5 years of your life on this man. Echo what other posters have said. You only get one life and this is not living your best life.

You deserve to be with someone who makes your life better by being in it, or single. Trust me, I've been there. You'll wonder why you ever waited.

I remember your thread and I'm going through the tail end of this myself. I completely understand the mindfuck this all is.
First of all yes he is highly likely to be in contact with her. 99.99% likely. It's glaringly obvious but I know all about the doubt.
Best thing is to assume that he is and prepare to leave before you go looking for evidence. This is because he has such a head start on you and when you do find evidence you're likely to be in no fit state to deal with the important stuff like finances.
Get the ChumpLady book. I've read all the books (I was a chump for a whole decade - at least) and had all the therapy but that single audiobooks turned things round in my head.
Then quietly get all the financial information you can together in one place, get your evidence if that's important to you, see a solicitor and then and only then, confront him.

I remember you

This hasn't ended and you still living under the shadow of an unfaithful man. He actually sounds cruel, taunting you by running in the woods nearby and going out of his way to remind you of her

Please stop being so passive and take a hold of your life

You will continue down this road until you either thrash it all out with your dh, which sounds unlikely, or you leave him (I left mine)

And try not to let any sharp 'get some self respect' comments sting. Try reading them as 'You're worth so much more that this - please value yourself more highly.'

Sorry it sounds like he’s never left her? Also What’s an emotional affair

Thank you to those who remembered my original thread. Yes, it was an asparagus tart - he made such a fuss of admiring it!
Halloweenbabyy - an emotional affair is pretty much everything except the sex. Intimate conversations, spending time together, and above all - lying and deceiving your spouse because you know you've crossed a line.
wherewillyoube - he made a big effort to do more around the house, to show that he was committed, I guess.

Anyfucker I don't think he's taunting me. I think he's a bit thick, thinking I won't notice.

He isn't thick. He's a sly piece of shit. Hasn't he shown you that ?