Strange - - best friend lied about her mother's death

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I've been close friends with her for nearly three years.

At first when I met her she said her mum was dead, had died in 2012.

Her family live in another country so I don't know them. On a few occasions I have waved to her sisters when she's been face-timing them, and on one occasion I sent some small gifts to her newborn niece. But I've never met them.

Last night she told me that actually her mum was alive. She said that they fell out pretty badly and had no relationship at all. I thought, yeah, makes sense, probably easier to tell people she's died.

I asked when she last talked to her mum and she said, "We talk occasionally, about two or three times a month. I send her money".

This is someone I hang out with nearly every weekend. People joke about us being sisters.

Has anyone ever told a sustained lie like this? Or been on the receiving end? I'm not sure how I feel about it yet but it is very weird.

I the absence of other red flags I'd take it as she's told you the truth. When people go No Contact with parents it is often difficult and they cannot sustain it fully - but have no reason to discuss it with others.

Saying you have No Contact with your parents is not something you tell just anyone - people make assumptions. If it is true she still sends money, then it's highly likely that it's yet another story of toxic parents.

When people move on from abuse, they don't have a need to talk about it, and may indeed avoid the subject. And of course, psychopaths may make up complete bullshit at any time. The only was to guard yourself is to allow people to unfold. If there's been nothing untoward for 3 years, then your friend deserves the benefit of the doubt IMO

Thanks, that's really insightful.

I keep thinking back to all the times in the past few years where she's suddenly ended a phone call and been like, "Uh that was my aunt". Or when I have alluded to experiencing deaths in the family and she's just made vague noises.

I can understand telling that lie for an easy life, and then after a while you don't know how to go back on it.

But this level of active subterfuge feels strange.

When would have been a good time to tell you though? It’s okay to be a bit hurt but if she’s been a good friend Id let it go

I had a friend who said she had a miscarriage turned out it was an abortion she dropped it in convo month or so back. Everyone has diff reasons for telling cookies wouldn't worry

When would have been a good time? Well, around the time we became close enough where I talked about my own abusive mum with whom I talk infrequently.

Just even typing this I'm remembering: she responded with something like, "Well when you lose her.." Essentially shitting it down.

That's weird. I keep remembering moments where she's gone out of her way to deceive me over the past few years.

shutting it down gosh so sorry!

So when you first met, she told you her mother was dead. Then when she knew you better, and knew she could trust you, and what your reactions would be, she told you the truth.
Often, people who are no contact with parents tell others (when they ask!) their parents are dead because otherwise you get all the idiotic "oh, but she's your only mother", "they're youre own flesh and blood", "oh I'm sure she'd love to hear from you", " oh, it can't have been that bad" etc etc.
People have no idea just how badly some people treat others, because I hasn't happened to them, and indeed they'd never treat peoptthat way. They just don't engage their brain before speaking.

One of my closest friends is in a similar situation and I think I get it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she felt the need to lie, as it’s very true that people’s reactions can be strange.

If this lie is a one-off, I’d be inclined to let it go.

When would have been a good time? Well, around the time we became close enough where I talked about my own abusive mum with whom I talk infrequently.

When you talked about your abusive mum, may have been a good time for you. It may mit have been for her. It may have dragged up old feelings for her and she didnt esnt ti address it.

It's not a huge level of subterfuge. You barely know her sisters.

When you barely knew her, she told you something. It took a whole but she then told the truth.

Even if you have similar situations, its doesnt mean you deal with them the same. My best friend had a bad childhood so did I.

She told me her dad died from exposure to asbestos and her mum had been depressed since. Its not true. He was an alcoholic and his liver was fucked Her mum was and is an alcoholic. Not since he died, she actively encouraged him to keep drinking so she could still drink. He was expected to live a few years and lasted months instead.

She didnt want someone she hardly knows, to know that as a teen she tried to deal with her dad dying and her mum raging alcoholism and her mum had essentially been abusing her since then.

Fair enough. It's up to her what she tells me and when she tells me it. I dont judge her or take it personally.

I think I can understand this to be honest as people can be quite judgemental when people aren’t in contact with their close family members and they feel they have to explain it so it’s easier to say she’s died. As you’ve become close she’s probably felt quite bad about that and not known how to say that it wasn’t true.
The only thing I’d struggle with is if she’d made a big thing of her mother dying and told multiple lies on top of that

Not since he died, she actively encouraged him to keep drinking so she could still drink. He was expected to live a few years and lasted months instead.

Christ almighty, that’s stone cold evil @Scarsthelot

OP, in the absence of other red flags, I’d go easy on your friend over this one. Toxic parental relationships are horrendous, and carry a huge amount of judgement and stigma. If it was me, I’d keep my eyes open about other stuff that’s troubling, but wouldn’t put her under a microscope either.

I disagree with most comments on here. Both of my parents are dead and I'd be hugely upset to find out a friend had lied and was actually in contact twice a month and sending money to her 'dead mum'.

We talk occasionally, about two or three times a month. I send her money".

Sorry but, why are people considering this No Contact?

Well yeah, that's what got me.

And I don't know if I explained it properly : when I talked about my own mum she just shook her head and said, "Well you'll lose her one day". Which shut me up and actually made me a little embarrassed to have brought it up! That's weird.

And speaking with someone two or three times a month is not "No contact". Sometimes I go a couple of months without a phone call to my dad and I'd say we're close!

Agree that speaking 2 or 3 times per month is NOT no contact. Speaking at all, ever, is NOT no contact. That's not even low/minimal contact. It's that part that sounds very odd to me.

I know someone who lied to her work that her husband had died. She has was off work on and of with MH and this was the big lie she told to explain things. She soon after left as the lie was not sustainable and was worried she would soon get found out). Obvioulsy she didnt tell me that lie as I know her DH but I was really taken aback when she explained why she quit that job.

I know she tells small lies all the time. Never in a boastful way but just small things that dont send to add up. However, there are 2 things she's recently told me that are pretty huge and I'm struggling to believe if they are true now because of what I know. They are not verifiable (I dont know the people these things have happened to though she is very close to them). She is lovely and kind and these small lies are part of her mental illness and I usually just smile inwardly and listen . But I think I would start questioning our friendship if the these 2 statements were lies because they are biggies.

As you otherwise have a a good relationship with this person, could you maybe have an honest conversation about how you feel? Her lie was sustained to you over years, not a one off conversation over wine one evening like my friend's have been. It would niggle at me all the times your friend lied about who she was on the phone too. Has she said why she now decided to tell you her mum is alive? Sorry if I've missed that part. And I agree, talking ever couple of months is not hardly on speaking terms .

Consider how you are reacting now tyat you know the truth, and then ask yourself again why she didn't tell you earlier.

Sorry, just reread. Contact 2/3 times a month is defo not no contact. The deception over the years is a little hard take, well it would be for me . Did she slip up one time and thatts hiw the truth is slowly emerging? If it was a trust issue and she now trusts you, I would have expected a more honest conversation, rather than a drip feed of info. She doesn't need to give you a full history of her childhood/life. Even if she cant open up, a simple "my mum wasnt a good mum, I'd prefer not to talk about it" is more honest, tells you all you need to know etc. But yes all the deceptive lies over years would bother me.

Yeah I think you're being pretty selfish, sorry. My best friend lost her mum years ago - if she told me now that it wasn't true but there's other reasons, i'd be more concerned about what happened to her and how she's dealing with it. I am not sure how you thinking her mum and died and isn't now has really impacted your life much?

She lied because She wanted to avoid having to go into details of the awful relationship with her mum. Maybe it seemed the easiest way to keep it out of conversation. Problem is when you tell a lie you have to tell numerous other lies to make it believable.

If she’s a good friend otherwise I’d just put this down to her getting herself too deep into this and focus on being supportive.

Sorry but I disagree with most comments.

The woman is in regular contact with her mum and sends her money. Imagine one of your own children telling their friends that you were dead. Would people really be saying that the reasons are complex? I think anyone whose children were still in regular contact with them would be immensely hurt if they did that.

If the friend had literally gone NC then it might be more understandable but not in these circumstances. Added to which she downplayed the OP’s own childhood experiences.

In fact based on that fact I’d be more inclined to think that it’s the mum who wants to cut her off not the other way around.

And this friendship sounds a bit odd as it is. Getting the OP to speak to her sisters on FaceTime even though none of them know each other? OP sending pictures to their babies who she’s never met? What’s that about?

IMO if someone lied to me about someone close to them being dead I’d be wondering what lies they were telling that person about me.

She is not NC though. She sends her money and speaks a couple of times a month. Everyones entitled to keep things to themselves but it's very strange and I would want to ask her why she keeps changing her story. Does she lie about other things too?

I would assume she does lie about other things. In fact, I’d be wondering if the sisters the OP is speaking to on FaceTime are actually her sisters or whether they’re just friends who live abroad who the friend is claiming as her sisters because she doesn’t want OP to know her family have cut her off.

Why are people saying oh she’s NC, toxic relationship etc? It’s blatant lying, after saying her DM was dead, she’s now said they had a bad fall out and don’t speak swiftly followed by we speak 2/3 times per month and I send ££!
There’s really no excuse for her lies, yet here we are falling over excusing her