Strange - - best friend lied about her mother's death

[Sockypuppet]

I've been close friends with her for nearly three years.

At first when I met her she said her mum was dead, had died in 2012.

Her family live in another country so I don't know them. On a few occasions I have waved to her sisters when she's been face-timing them, and on one occasion I sent some small gifts to her newborn niece. But I've never met them.

Last night she told me that actually her mum was alive. She said that they fell out pretty badly and had no relationship at all. I thought, yeah, makes sense, probably easier to tell people she's died.

I asked when she last talked to her mum and she said, "We talk occasionally, about two or three times a month. I send her money".

This is someone I hang out with nearly every weekend. People joke about us being sisters.

Has anyone ever told a sustained lie like this? Or been on the receiving end? I'm not sure how I feel about it yet but it is very weird.

I haven't "reacted" to her apart from saying, "Oh right, I see. Where does she live? Is her health okay?" And letting her lead the conversation until she didn't want to talk about it.

It didn't feel strange to wave at her sisters over facetime,dont know where that comment came from. If one of her sisters calls while we're out and about, of course it's like "Here I am at the park with socky, say hi socky!" And of course I sent a gift to her new niece, who wouldn't?

It popped into my head earlier that she'd mentioned family visiting,a few weeks back.

The more time goes by the more I am weirded out by this.

Ok so you're not willing to let her off with imagined excuses, which is sensible. Next time you see her ask "why did you tell me your mum had died when she hadn't?" and then listen. I'm sure her reaction will tell you what you want to know, and then you can consider the friendship based on that.

I agree.

When you meet and have time to talk, ask her why she said her Mum was dead.

Tell her it feels weird to have spoken to her about your own Mum while being under misapprehension about hers.

But I wouldn’t take it personally that she hasn’t been straight: listen to what she says, see how she reacts when you tell her how you felt, and then revisit your while view.

She's not NC though and therefore she could just not have mentioned that there are any issues. With most of my friends, we only mention our parents in passing most of the time. She could easily have avoided talking about her.

It would make me wary and wonder what else she was lying about.

She’s probably lied to you about other stuff.

And of course I sent a gift to her new niece, who wouldn't? erm no I wouldn’t, and neither would anyone I know.

As for posters saying give her a chance to explain? She’s an accomplished liar to the point she has lied about the death of a parent who she is still very much in touch with. Nothing she says now can possibly be trusted.

I wouldn’t confront her because there’s no point. But I would remove myself from the friendship.

My best friend is like my sister. I also live with her brother now so she is my sil.

When their other sister who I have never met (different country) had a child. We sent gifts. Well do did and put my name on.

When she had her first baby, a few years ago. I did not send gifts to my friends sister who I dont know, other than to wave to on facetime.

I wouldn’t send a gift to a relative if a friend unless I knew them in person.

It’s sweet but also quite ‘full on’ as a friend.

Do you and your friend have different understandings if close friendship?

My view may be skewed: I have a narcissistic relative who insinuates herself into other people’s lives by sending gifts, like to her sisters cleaner to thank her for looking after her. But they have never met.

I would assume that at the time she told you her mum was dead that they were in a particularly bad point in their relationship, and to be quite blunt she probably wished that her mum was dead at that point.

It seems since then that they have points where there is contact, possibly points where there isn't. At the moment they speak a couple of times a month, there's no saying that will continue.

Your friend clearly felt bad that she's lied to you and has now told you the truth, which must have been quite a big thing for her. I'd go easy for now, as some pp have suggested maybe ask her why she told you her mum was dead if it's bothering you to the point where you don't want to continue the friendship, but a lie like that in the absence of any other red flags suggests that it's something that she lied about for a reason.

I lie about my family situation. Most people don't know I have a brother. I don't tell them because I don't want to explain. He sexually abused me for many years. Now we are NC, but for many years we weren't, because the rest of my family didn't know. Still, not everyone in my family knows. It's fucking complicated when there are abusive dynamics in a family. Interesting that she doesn't live in her home country. Neither do I. I would absolutely give her the benefit of doubt. And once you lie, it can become so so hard to tell the truth, especially if you aren't ready to go into the details if why you lied in the first place.
So yes, she may be a lying psycho, or she may have a very difficult and complicated relationship with her mother and just isn't ready to fully talk about it.

Tbh I don’t understand how this was even possible.

The friend here has brought OP into her family life by including her in FaceTime conversations with her sisters abroad. To the extent that the OP sent them presents for their children. (OP did she give you their address or did you just give the presents to her).

AHow is it that during all this the mother never came up in conversation? Especially given she and the OP are apparently in regular contact and the sisters won’t have known that she’s told the OP their mother is dead?

And OP said that the family came over to visit recently - why then did the friend never introduce them to this friend who is such a good friend as to be talking to them on FaceTime and sending them presents for their newborns?

Far too much of this doesn’t add up from the friend’s perspective. I’m not convinced these people on FaceTime even are sisters of the friend.

Either way I’d bee assuming at this point that not a word that comes out of her mouth is the truth. I couldn’t stay friends with someone like that.

To the PP who have had very valid reasons for cutting off family members and denying their existence, there is a huge difference between going NC and never mentioning those people in passing, and proclaiming them to be dead to the point that you’d play down someone’s abusive childhood and state that they’re lucky they have a parent or words to that effect, drawing them into the family on FaceTime but never actually introducing them in RL, and then admitting that the parent is not only still alive but that they have regular contact.

Completely weirded out by people thinking phone convos with an over sees parent two or three times a month is no contact. Not sure if there is a reading comprehension issue there, or what.

Op I'm with uou it is a very very odd lie. If they had been no contact it would be understandable, but if you're chatting three times a month it's very odd she lied about this, you just don't tell people a parent who you're in regular contact with is dead. Not unless you've got other issues going on.

I'd wonder what else she's lying about.

Yes exactly drawing me into family life and then actively misleading about her mum?

The more it kind of settles in the weirder I feel about it.

AllHeart1, but it's easier never to mention a brother. Everyone has a mother.

It's weird.
And she's clearly not NC.
I'm totally NC with my mum and if she comes into the conversation with friends, I wouldn't even consider lying about her death. I don't wish this upon her in the least. It does get old when people probe about my NC mother because invariably the conversations go down a 'life is short/you should mend this' path and it's not that simple/cut and dry. Being NC is because we've both come to a realisation that this is the healthiest alternative for both of us.
Still, I wouldn't dare say my mum's dead just to simplify things for me.
It's a dark way of seeking attention.

She didn’t lie for an easy life. She lied because it was too painful and risky to tell the truth to a virtual stranger. Because people judge without knowing the facts and understanding the feeling - just as some are on this thread.

Then once you have told The first lie, it’s hard to know when to go back and explain. Perhaps she thought that you were not a very understanding person. Some people can’t understand that every family is not like their own.

@ forkfun but you are NC with your brother. The OP has regular contact with her mum, but even during the conversations with her sisters this mum’s name has never come up? That’s weird and doesn’t in any way add up to her having difficult stuff to deal with - she speaks to her mum regularly, sends her money, is involving OP in her family life from a distance and yet during the conversations with her sisters her mum never came up in their conversation?

I've only been NC with my brother for some years. I can completely see a reason why a person would do what the op's friend has done. Abusive family members can have a strong grip on you, even if you wish they didn't.

She didn’t lie for an easy life. She lied because it was too painful and risky to tell the truth to a virtual stranger. Because people judge without knowing the facts and understanding the feeling - just as some are on this thread.

Bollocks. She isn’t NC with her mum. In fact she speaks to her several times a month and sends her money. If she actually was NC with her then telling someone she was dead would be understandable. But making up a story about someone who she very much still has a relationship with is not remotely about not being able to tell a stranger the truth. Added to which the friend is perfectly happy to introduce this apparent stranger to members of her family on FaceTime, who apparently also never mention the mother but are happy to accept gifts from said stranger but said stranger isn’t important enough to be introduced to them in the real world.

But why would she then involve the OP in her family life, in conversations with family members where there was a real risk that they would mention her mum in the present tense? If she’d genuinely wanted to hide the truth from the OP she could simply have mentioned that her mum was dead, and no-one actually expects to be having conversations with their friend’s extended family on FaceTime, so the OP would have thought nothing of being told the mum was dead.

There were some instances where the facetimes were suddenly cut short.

It sounds like she's either used to telling lies to cover up a shitty/embarassing family situation or has an underlying mental health condition.

She could easily have told you she was low contact with her mum/whatever....but she chose to tell you and carry on the act of pretending her mum was dead - and she even carried on this fake reality by getting preachy on you!

Maybe she wishes her mum was dead...but that's no excuse to lie and deceive your friends.

Where are your boundaries OP?
If she can lie and act out a fantasy regards this - then what else is she capable of and what lengths would she go to in order to be believed?

If someone did this to me, i'd be pretty blunt with them - "why have you been telling me she's dead? You're a bullshitter!"

Don't be her doormat OP.

I haven't spoken to her since the whole revelation. Honestly no matter what her reasons, I have enough drama in my life.

Has she definitely been speaking to her mum 2-3 times a month/sending money all that time though? Or has the contact happened more recently or built up over time.

Maybe back in 2012 she was no contact, and the “my mum’s dead” was the way to explain that away. Then the “well you’ll lose her one day” was your friend reflecting on how she felt to be NC/have “lost” her mum.

And out of that undercurrent of regret that they weren’t in one another’s lives, the contact happened and has built up.

And now that the contact us at a meaningful level, and it looking stable, now she’s telling you that her mum is back in her life (maybe didn’t want to mention it before it was something that was definitely going to take off).

All that would be a bit too much secrecy/privacy for me, but I do see how it could happen, especially with someone with a toxic background who felt a lot of shame about the situation. It’s always a shock when you think you are close enough to someone to be privy to their personal/emotional life and you find out that you’re. Some people are just very private though.

I agree with pp, who say talk to her about it and get the full story if you can, then make up your mind. And making up your mind might mean the friendship ends, it continues on a less close footing or that you do find a new closeness as she finally opening up.