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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

tomorrow's going to be hard, and I feel like screaming already

37 replies

forgodsakeeliza · 24/01/2020 18:46

Tomorrow I am meeting my ex to collect my (valuable) possessions, which he has been reluctant to give back for reasons unknown.

We broke up in October last year, and he immediately wanted to post my stuff back to me. After me basically begging him not to make things more uncomfortable and trying to reduce drama, he said he would meet me to give it back (when he "felt ready").

Hot and cold behavior ensued (e.g. one day having an 8 hour phone conversation and then the next few days him ignoring my texts or being very vacant in them), and I finally went NC in November. At that point, he sent continuous texts about returning my stuff interlaced with my pet name and trying to be very nice (he wasn't very nice usually).

I broke NC in Dec and we slept together and have been in contact since. It feels wrong - almost dirty - to have to be so nice to him, but for the reasons we split, I know I have to "keep him sweet" in order to avoid confrontation and a further delay of my things being given back.

The contact has dried up a bit on his half since I've pushed to arrange to meet. I gave him several options: post them, my friend could come get them, send a courier and I will pay, or he could drop them off. He eventually said he wanted to meet. Fine. At this point, I'm passed caring.

He's like a kid when things have to be done. Conversation was flowing and fine until I asked to arrange this - now it's like he's holding a toy he doesn't want to share. He's leaving me on read on Whatsapp a lot and saying "sorry I am so busy I don't have time to reply yet". Fair enough. He's asked me if I'm still okay to meet tomorrow. FFS yes, let's just get this over with.

I don't know what I feel to be honest - mostly exhausted. I am back in a depression - not because I miss him, but because I feel dread knowing I ever told him anything or we even met at all. I feel sick.

I don't think I can face him for his "final discard" or some attempt at reconciliation which is what I think is coming. But, on the other hand I want closure, and I do want my stuff back.

For context, this guy is a real loser. Extremely shy and awkward, basically asexual. I highly doubt there's someone else on the scene (but, you never know).

Any advice on how to remain dignified when meeting him?

So far, I have been "nicey nicey" listening to him bleat on and on about how depressed he is, how sad he was that we broke up, how he's the one suffering - and him never asking about me.

I feel like screaming.

Will telling him he's hurt me be pointless?

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/01/2020 18:56

Why did you ask him not to post the stuff to you originally? I don't understand how that would have created drama.

I think there's about a 1 in 3 chance he'll turn up tomorrow. Where are you supposed to be meeting him? Have a friend or family member with you. Make it clear that you're there to do the handover and that's it.

If he doesn't turn up I'd suggest getting a solicitor to write to him, or look at pursuing him through small claims court. But realistically at that point you're never going to get the stuff back. He's been using it to control you (continue controlling you perhaps?) and to relinquish that power is not going to be what he wants.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/01/2020 18:57

And telling him he's hurt you will make him happy. He's enjoying making you grovel to him.

CalleighDoodle · 24/01/2020 18:59

I vaguely remember your other thread. What do you need back? He is using it to control you.

forgodsakeeliza · 24/01/2020 18:59

The reason I told him not to post the stuff was because he has form for saying he's done things but hasn't. He's done it before saying he's sent letters etc to his brother and then turned round to me and said "I've no intention of doing it"

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 24/01/2020 19:02

Sounds like a drama, just send a friend and wait in the car.
Life's too short for crap like this.
Unless of course you also love a drama in which case enjoy the 'showdown'.

Dozer · 24/01/2020 19:02

FFS just meet at the allotted time, get the stuff, leave and then go NC again, properly.

Dozer · 24/01/2020 19:03

What’s the stuff? Is it really worth it?

alwaysmovingforwards · 24/01/2020 19:03

Why do you need to tell him he hurt you??

You've split up, get your stuff back, wish the best for the future, block & delete.

It's not rocket science...

forgodsakeeliza · 24/01/2020 19:04

The stuff is largely replaceable (clothes) but the sentimental stuff like my mum's wedding ring and, a work laptop that needs returning

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 24/01/2020 19:05

How does he have your mum’s wedding ring?!

Make sure you do not go alone.

forgodsakeeliza · 24/01/2020 19:07

@CalleighDoodle

It's on a necklace that I usually wear but took it off there one night and didn't get it back

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 24/01/2020 19:08

Where are you meeting him? You do know that unless it’s where the stuff is the chance of him actually bringing it along is zero.

Christ you are being played big time. If he is a loner rock up to his house after work with a friend, ring doorbell, push inside, take your stuff.

No conversations, meetings, feelings, drama needed. Stop dragging this out.

Lordfrontpaw · 24/01/2020 19:11

Don’t be alone - keep it short, civil and to the point. No small talk or chit chat. Fast and transactional.

category12 · 24/01/2020 19:11

Take a friend with you to meet him and get the stuff.

Then block him and move on with your life. There's nothing to be gained by thrashing out the past.

Dozer · 24/01/2020 19:11

What’s your plan if he doesn’t turn up? As is likely.

category12 · 24/01/2020 19:13

Are your work aware that he has this laptop?

forgodsakeeliza · 24/01/2020 19:19

I'm going to his house, as last time he conveniently forgot the stuff I asked for. So he can't not turn up either.

Work are aware - I told my manager who I get on with well, and given she understands how shit he treated me throughout the relationship she has just said try and get it back, but don't put yourself in danger

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 24/01/2020 19:21

Do not go alone.

category12 · 24/01/2020 19:28

Take someone with you.

Since your work are aware, then if you don't get it back tomorrow , I would just draw a line there. Sad about the ring, but it is just a thing.

BumbleBeee69 · 24/01/2020 19:31

DO NOT GO ALONE ...

forgodsakeeliza · 24/01/2020 19:31

Why not go alone? He's not violent just manipulative

OP posts:
Dozer · 24/01/2020 19:32

Were you planning to go alone?

If so, wise up! Call a friend or acquaintance to come with you. Go. Get your stuff and leave immediately.

category12 · 24/01/2020 19:39

Don't go alone because he's manipulative and you ended up sleeping with him recently, and you said you don't think "I can face him for his "final discard" or some attempt at reconciliation which is what I think is coming".

So take a friend and all that crap is avoided.

"Closure" is a lot of bollocks. You get closure by deciding it's done and moving on, not by chewing it over with the ex.

bigchris · 24/01/2020 19:47

So last time you met him and slept with him where was this that you managed to overlook the fact he hadn't bought your mother's wedding ring and still shagged him ?

AnyFucker · 24/01/2020 19:55

You both sound hooked on the drama, tbh.

My advice would be : go to his place. Get your stuff. Leave.

Is that too difficult to comprehend ?

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