My boyfriend, he’s ex girlfriend & their 3 kids

[TomFooleree93]

So basically I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 11 months. Him and his ex have always been rocky , she won’t let him see the kids without her guarding him so he has to go to her house every weekend and spends 5 hours there. Kids are 5/11/16
He pays 600 child maintenance a month and try’s to get to see them but she won’t allow him to take them out
It’s causing a great deal of stress on our relationship, I find it difficult to trust his actions since before we dated he was a player and over shared all his Behaviors with me. Don’t ask why I got with him, things just happened and here I am

What would you do

This sounds miserable. Cut your losses and leave.

Walk away, if you don’t trust him, leave him to it.
He obviously won’t stand up to his ex, it’ll
always be an issue.

I'd break up with him.

What do you find difficult to trust? Do you think he is spending the 5 hours back in a relationship with his ex each week? They were clearly together a long time, given the ages of the children.

How long have they been apart? Has he not had his children overnight or at his house since then?

He should have got a court order and safeguarded his relationship with them, and theirs with him. It’s his choice to let her call the shots.

Separate to that, why are you so passive about your own life? I’m going to ask why you got with him, stuff doesn’t just happen, people make choices about their partners and their lives and if you’re not happy, find it stressful and don’t trust him and you’ve been together less than a year then cut your losses and find someone with a simpler life to share yours with. It doesn’t have to be complicated but you’ve chosen someone with a controlling ex who’s quite weak willed so things will always be drama- filled and stressful. It won’t change so get used to it or leave him.

Cut your losses you cant trust him his ex is appalling this will end up exploding back away now

You're not stuck with him - it's been less than a year. If it's not fun now, you're basically doomed long term! Sorry.

Why is she insisting on supervised contact, given the ages of the elder two?

If all you have is his word for how things are, I think you are right to wonder what on earth is really going on. This, combined with other issues which have left you thinking he is untrustworthy, do strongly suggest that this is not a happy relationship for you

Just bloody leave and question why your self esteem is so low you'd want to be with a gobshite.

Unless you are going to drip feed that you are now pregnant

He would sort this with the court if he really wanted to. Unless he is an abuser, the children need to develop a relationship with him outside the home.

If he won’t put up reasonable boundaries with his ex and instead allows her to dominate, your relationship will continue to suffer.

I’d wonder why he hadn’t taken it to court: from the maintenance he’s paying it doesn’t sound as though he’s impoverished so why in presumably at least a couple of years they’ve been separated has he not wanted a decent relationship with his DC enough to apply to court for proper access of more than five hours a week?

Whatever the reason, it sounds like drama you don’t need. I’d wager the lack of effort he puts into being a dad will soon also be the lack of effort he puts into being a good boyfriend. Cut your losses and end it.

If 93 is the year you were born, that makes you 26 years old whereas his eldest is 16, making this likely to be an age-gap relationship with complicating factors of ex and children.

Honestly, it's not even been a year, you are not tied into this and you only have his side of the story. You have the freedom to say "this relationship is not for me" and just walk away.

There could be any number of reasons why the ex insists on supervised contact (none of them likely to be positive) and with a history of 11 months, it's not really your business anyway how she chooses to mange contact or potentially safeguard her children.

Finally, if you have trouble trusting him because he's misbehaved in the past and this is an issue for you, you're better off just saying goodbye and finding a partner who matches with your values and who doesn't have this sort of baggage.

she won’t let him see the kids without her guarding him so he has to go to her house every weekend and spends 5 hours there

bollocks... he goes for 5 hours because he is happy there OP.

I'd ditch him.
Waaaaaaay too much hard work.
Find another guy who's not such a project.

Generally from past experience I find it better to avoid people who allready have kids if you've not got any, it's a whole lot of effort/stress for a big chance it will not work out long term, life's to short, try and have a level playing field from day one, at t least then you've got half a chance of it working out

Leave?

He's got too much baggage.

Unless you’re willing to put up with this for another 11 years (when the youngest turns 16) I’d cut my losses.

Why is she guarding them? Does he abuse them or is that a big lie to placate you?

Does he live with you, OP?

There's a lot more to this than meets the eye.

Why hasn't he been to court for access? 5 hours a week under ex's supervision only sounds crazy. But he accepts this?

Also telling you of past 'conquests'. Why? Assuming by him telling you he was a 'player', why you mean is he treated women like shit.

Where's your head at OP?

If this doesn't sound like a man to run away from, I don't know what does!

Why are you with him?

You dont like the set up? You feel he over shared his behaviour and now dont trust him.

This isnt going to get better.

There isn't much tou can do, in regards to his visit with his children. Your DP needs to sort that. Why has he not taken action to see his children away from his Ex?

Tricky one!

You sound younger than 26, he's too old for you and the relationship is too complicated.

I'd dump him and move on.

You don't trust him.
Drama.
Baggage.

Loving someone isn't enough, feeling happy and respected should be absolute baseline requirements for your relationships too. If you're worrying he might cheat, you're feeling neither.