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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Funeral upset

42 replies

Dogwalks2 · 24/01/2020 08:55

Dogwalks2

My dad who was happily married to my mum for 58 years sadly had to say good bye to his wife last week.
Background my mum had vascular dementia for 9 years, dad looked after her for 2 years then she needed extra care. He took up with another lady about 3 years ago and we ( my brother and sister) all happy for him as he was really missing my mum
And was fit and active. All good we welcome new lady into the family, include her in everything basically if my dad was there so was she, not a problem. My mum has finally past away after a very-long time In care, my dad went up twice a day to feed her, so this is all a massive change for him. Trying to get to the point his girlfriend was at my mums funeral after I said it was not appropriate (everyone agreed).
It’s left a bad feeling words were said but very diplomatically. I know never want her in my house but I know I will cave to keep my dad happy.
What would you do... I’ve said I’m not happy, leave it or keep arguing till he realises that it wasn’t ok. They had a fantastic marriage and I feel he hasn’t reflected that with his actions.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 24/01/2020 08:58

What's done is done.
I think it was wrong as well but there is no point holding a grudge about this.
I'd move on.
He is happy with his new partner and did everything he could for your DM.
Don't hold on to the anger.

Purplewithred · 24/01/2020 09:00

Personally I think you are being unreasonable. You were happy for him to take up with this lady, he carried on caring for your Mum throughout (which was wonderful), and there was no hurt done for your mum.

If you were happy for him to have a relationship with her while your Mum was alive I think it's a bit odd to get cross about her supporting your dad at the funeral.

Personally I think you should all be apologising to your dad for even mentioning it.

PegasusReturns · 24/01/2020 09:00

I’m sorry for the passing of your mum.

I think you need to accept that you and your dad both lost your mum some time ago and that his new girlfriend does not diminish the live he had for your mum.

You e been happy for him previously - hold on to that. She has presumably been a source of strength and support which he needed more than anything at the funeral.

Try to move on and accept there was no malice.

Bluewater1 · 24/01/2020 09:02

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum passing OP.
So the girlfriend cane to the funeral after you and your siblings said that you didn't want her to? It's sad she went against your wishes at your mum's funeral. Did she do it to be a support to your dad? It sounds like she was welcomed at family events prior to the funeral but now you don't want her at your house because she's broken your trust?
It's hard accepting these changes. It's up to you OP but I think I would be massively disappointed by them going against your wishes but now it has been said I'd let it go. A family rift is probably not what any of you need right now, now you all need time to grieve Flowers

Dogwalks2 · 24/01/2020 09:03

Not only was she at the funeral, she was in the 2nd row with my cousins. She has not given us more than 20mins alone with my dad and was even looking through our photos to find one of my mum for the order of service, was with us when the Celebrant was arranging my mums service. I am heartbroken and angry, what should have been a day about my mum I was more focused on her being there. She also sat at the family table after the funeral. I didn’t I couldn’t trust myself not to say something to her

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/01/2020 09:03

Take a deep breath. This isn't the right time to be making decisions you cannot unmake.

Your dad has been unwise, maybe. But you did say that you had all accepted her into your lives. You know how hard it was for your dad, that your mum needed a lot of care, that she was in no position to be aware of what was happening, that's why you accepted the new woman in his life.

Their fantastic marriage was reflected in the care he gave, the decisions he made for you mum's care, the way you and your siblings acted when he introduced his girlfriend. All say you love him and feel his love for you.

The new woman in his life is not a comment on that. But nobody would blame you for feeling hurt, disappointed or angry with him.

Take a couple of days to work out what result you want from this. Don't let your grief carry you away.

Flowers
Isadora2007 · 24/01/2020 09:04

Sorry for your loss- but I also agree that as long as it was sensitively handled it was fine for his girlfriend to be there. Your mum as she was was lost a long time ago and this woman has supported your dad through his grief and loss over these years- so why would the funeral be any different?
Life is too short. Swallow your pride and apologise and move on.

Dogwalks2 · 24/01/2020 09:05

Thanks blue water, think I just need to let time take it’s course.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 24/01/2020 09:05

I work with people and families with dementia and have seen the absolute love that someone has, when they care for someone with the illness. Your poor father lost his wife many years ago, and the fact he was still feeding her twice a day until the end shows the dedication and loyalty he had to her. It's heartbreaking to see someone care and do so much for their spouse, when they maybe not recognised, or called bya different name, or even worse. I've seen husbands be accused of affairs or abuse etc, all innocent as the illness has taken hold.
For that I think your father deserves to be supported, both by his family and the person that is his girlfriend. It doesn't mean your mum was loved any less. He put his life on hold to look after her. To that matter, the girlfriend has completely taken a step back and accepted being second best through itall. Had she posted on here that her new partner kept leaving her daily to care for his wife, etc I'm not sure how many people wouldn't have quoted the LTB phrase and called her stupid for not being the priority
Death is an awful thing and it bloody hurts. However anger is much easier to deal with than hurt, at least you can direct the emotion when it's anger, but at the end of the day, the hurt is still there. I think you maybe misplacing your grief when Ithink everyone has made the best of a really upsetting situation.

I do hope you find these words helpful and not upsetting. Dementia is such a harsh illness, maybes more so for all those surrounding the person. Try nto to be too harsh with your dad, I think he's done an amazing job, it is such a heartbreaking illness

misspiggy19 · 24/01/2020 09:06

YANBU- I would feel the same as you OP.

3rdchristmaslucky · 24/01/2020 09:08

This is your dad's partner of 3 years.
Your dad continued to look after your mother and would have been doing so with the support of his partner. She's probably been the one to comfort him about the guilt he inevitably felt, she was probably the one who wiped his tears when your mother did pass.
It's very unreasonable to ask your father to not have his support there with him on what would have been an emotionally difficult day.
He didn't choose for your mother to fall ill and he cared for her the best he could, it would have been very emotionally taxing for him and I imagine his girlfriend really gave him the comfort that he needed at that time.

She wasn't there to make a scene and to disrespect the service. She was there to support your father.

KatherineJaneway · 24/01/2020 09:17

Trying to get to the point his girlfriend was at my mums funeral after I said it was not appropriate (everyone agreed).

If everyone agreed, why was she there?

Greggers2017 · 24/01/2020 09:27

You're angry because you have lost your mum, but in reality you lost her years ago when dementia took hold.
Your dad was dedicated to your mim, right until the end. You have a husband to support you, your dad needs his lady friend. After all he was with your mum a very very long time.
Stop making this about you and how you feel and think about your dad and what he needs and what makes him happy.

Mrschainsawuk · 24/01/2020 09:41

I think it was ok she was there but should not have sat at the front or gone though pictures I think she has over stepped and not leaving you alone with your dad is strange behaviour

Lifeisabeach09 · 24/01/2020 09:41

I understand why you are angry but you are being unreasonable, a little.
She is your dad's new partner. Of course, she'd be there to support him and be a part of the family.
It's nice to hear that your dad looked after your mum during her illness but (and please don't think I'm being harsh) their relationship ended with her deterioration.
You said you accepted this woman up until the funeral. I'd advise you to let it go and focus on your grief and loss.
Flowers

Dogwalks2 · 24/01/2020 09:54

Thanks everyone for taking time to post. It’s good to read others opinions, gives me some clarity on the situation. Definitely think it’s easier for me to be angry than let grief in, will try and be more compassionate to them.

OP posts:
Rabbiting0n · 24/01/2020 09:58

I'm sorry for your loss, but I agree with others, in that I think your grief is stirring up anger which is easier to channel. Of course you're upset and it's not what you would have wanted, but when your family accepted the new girlfriend, you were accepting that your father had found a new confidente and pillar of support. They've been together for 3 years. I think it quite natural that he would want her at his wife's funeral.

Her involvement in the planning of the funeral, whilst frustrating and feeling insensitive to you, may be her way of trying to show your father that she understands that your mother's passing is a huge emotional upheaval, and may have been her attempt to show your mother the respect she deserves. Some new partners would have wanted nothing to do with it, because with the spouse gone, they become the focus. From what you've said, she didn't try to make herself the focus, but made your parents' marriage the focal point of the day.

Your feelings are understandable, but you're looking at things from a grieving daughter's point of view.

My grandfather buried his wife a few years ago. He was completely broken by it. Travelled in the hearse with his wife to the church, and took his dog in the car with him. Held his dog in his arms throughout the service, burial, and wake. Since then he has shut himself away and refused to see anyone. His only source of comfort is his dog. They were together for 60 years, and the only way he can cope with what has happened is to cling to a source of comfort who asks for no sympathy in return. A grieving child does. A friend or relative does. The dog doesn't, and neither does your father's new partner, because she is not grieving herself. Flowers

Namethecat · 24/01/2020 10:09

I get that you feel the need to vent.
Your mum obviously was not well enough to know that your dad had this woman in his life.
During this time your dad stayed devoted to your mum and showed love and great care towards her.
This woman was ok with this and more than likely was a great support and comfort to him for all those years.
Yes it might h ace been insensitive for her to be there, but she was doing what she has always done. Been there for your Dad. It's done now, so just accept it and allow yourselves time to greive.

positive80 · 24/01/2020 10:17

I've been in a similar situation myself, sorry for the loss of your mum.

I realised after 4 years of bitterness towards my dad and putting the phone down on the other woman, that if I was to have a healthy relationship with my dad then I needed to accept her. She helped my dad heal after my mums death and was a pillar of support for him, it was extremely painful for me and my brothers, she eventually moved into our family home and slowly that has changed to accompany her family photos, furnishings ect and that was very very difficult. Together though they've updated the house and it's very different, and I suppose this happens naturally anyway over time, but there are still pictures out of my Mum which is do important to us.

However, I now have a very good relationship with her, she is like a grandma to all the children ( they just call her by her first name though) and we talk about my Mum with the kids and keep her memory alive. They know Nanny S was Grandads wife, and their nanny in heaven. The day I accepted her was a relief and so much pain was lifted and I slowly healed. My dads happy and looked after, and I know deep inside he will always love my mum and misses her dreadfully.

I hope you find some comfort in this. Life is short and I'd hate my Dad to have lived a sad lonely life after my Mum. X

positive80 · 24/01/2020 10:20

Sorry I meant to mention that my Mum died 16 years ago so this has been a very long process and he got with her very soon after my mum passed away.

Your situation is very raw and I hope in time you find a way to heal. X

GooseberryJam · 24/01/2020 10:25

My dad has dementia and it is a horrible awful thing for family to live with. So I would normally be down on actions like your dad's but as pp have said he lost your mum, as she really was, years ago. I can understand him turning to this lady for support. However, this is the problem underlying your reactions I think:

She has not given us more than 20mins alone with my dad and was even looking through our photos to find one of my mum for the order of service, was with us when the Celebrant was arranging my mums service.

Can you ask your dad for some time with him just you and him, to talk about how you feel? I think his partner probably thinks she's helping, maybe he's even asked her to stay around for these things, but that's overlooked your feeling that she's there in your mum's place. Try and be kind about it while also owning your own need for support Flowers

Dogwalks2 · 24/01/2020 12:25

Thank you everyone. Reading your posts has really made me feel better about her.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 24/01/2020 14:04

I think that if you were all so happy you dad took up with this lady while your mum was alive its a bit odd to be so annoyed now your mum has passed away. But grief does weird things to folk.

Luckystar20 · 24/01/2020 14:11

Tbh I would be furious with my dad if he took a gf whilst my mother was still alive. What happened to in sickness and health did that vow not mean anything to him. The problem is by being accepting a presecent was then set over 3 years, so in the gf eyes whilst it was inappropriate her being there and involved she didnt see an issue. Most people I know would have been mortified as the thought of welcoming a new partner whilst the existing one was still present but incapacitated. I'm wondering if after the death of you're mother you're feeling guilt for accepting this woman into your lives whilst she was still here.

OurChristmasMiracle · 24/01/2020 14:18

OP you are grieving your mum. You don’t need to try to minimise or change those feelings. Maybe the anger and hurt is misdirected at your dad and his new partner, but it’s still a valid emotion.

Your dad clearly loved your mum very very much and therefore probably actually really needed his new partners support at the funeral.

People all grieve differently. Don’t make any decisions now but maybe step back for a bit and allow yourself to grieve in your own way

So sorry for your loss Flowers