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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Funeral upset

42 replies

Dogwalks2 · 24/01/2020 08:55

Dogwalks2

My dad who was happily married to my mum for 58 years sadly had to say good bye to his wife last week.
Background my mum had vascular dementia for 9 years, dad looked after her for 2 years then she needed extra care. He took up with another lady about 3 years ago and we ( my brother and sister) all happy for him as he was really missing my mum
And was fit and active. All good we welcome new lady into the family, include her in everything basically if my dad was there so was she, not a problem. My mum has finally past away after a very-long time In care, my dad went up twice a day to feed her, so this is all a massive change for him. Trying to get to the point his girlfriend was at my mums funeral after I said it was not appropriate (everyone agreed).
It’s left a bad feeling words were said but very diplomatically. I know never want her in my house but I know I will cave to keep my dad happy.
What would you do... I’ve said I’m not happy, leave it or keep arguing till he realises that it wasn’t ok. They had a fantastic marriage and I feel he hasn’t reflected that with his actions.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 24/01/2020 14:24

Tbh I would be furious with my dad if he took a gf whilst my mother was still alive. What happened to in sickness and health did that vow not mean anything to him. The problem is by being accepting a present was then set over 3 years, so in the gf eyes whilst it was inappropriate her being there and involved she didnt see an issue. Most people I know would have been mortified as the thought of welcoming a new partner whilst the existing one was still present but incapacitated. I'm wondering if after the death of you're mother you're feeling guilt for accepting this woman into your lives whilst she was still here.

I agree in principle with this.. whilst understanding life is never easy... however..

it was ONE DAY.. that she could have respectfully stayed away from.. out of respect for your Mother, your Family, and your Mothers memory.

One Day but No .. She had to be there.. I'd be furious too OP.

Mumdiva99 · 24/01/2020 14:29

Sorry for your loss.

So pleased to see your response to these comments. X

KeepThosePlatesSpinning · 24/01/2020 14:30

OP, how did she know it was the funeral - had your dad invited her, or did she just turn up? When you say that everyone didn't want her there, does that include your dad, or just a group of siblings?

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 24/01/2020 14:31

When my mum died I was shocked at how angry I felt about everything. It's a part of grieving. I think this might be partially what's happening here, your grief is driving your feelings about this. Give it time and you may feel differently.

TheCoolerQueen · 24/01/2020 14:39

Dementia is the most horrific illness so I would always try not to judge anyone who has watched a spouse or close relative suffer from it.
It really is torture for everyone involved.

Having said that I would feel exactly the same as you do. I would feel hurt by dad and girlfriend.

If it's any consolation at all I read an article that suggested the men that were most happily married were sometimes the ones that leaped into another relationship very soon after their wives died. They are so desperate to recreate that love. Women who are bereaved don't tend to rush into other relationships anything like as quickly.

I'm really sorry about your mum, may she rest in peace.

KundaliniRising · 24/01/2020 14:46

Be kind to yourself op, i am so sorry for your loss

goodytooshoes · 24/01/2020 14:46

I'm very sorry for your loss, this is an incredibly difficult time for you, but this lady was helping your dad get through this very difficult time. I can understand your animosity towards her, but she is not taking the place of your dm. I would imagine that she felt as though your dad needed her support to get through. I think whilst you're upset it's important to understand that your dad needed the support of this lady who has helped him to get through your mums declining illness. She's been his confidante when your mum could no longer be.

If I ever have an illness such as dementia, I would never hold that against my DH to find someone to share the emotional burden with.

Emotions are running high, you've lost your mother, but try not to hold it against her, she was only doing what she thought right by your dad, and she must care a lot about him. He's a very lucky man to have so many people around him who love him so much.

Give him a hug and tell him how much you love him. And try and let this one go. It's done now. Maybe in a few years your dad will realise that it might have been insensitive to you and your family but for now, he needs her.

HaileySherman · 24/01/2020 15:00

Fwiw I don't think you were wrong. But as others have said, what's done is done. You still have your Dad. Just make the best with him. I think you'll regret it if you do anything else.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 24/01/2020 15:03

I think I would feel the same as you, OP, but please try not to let it ruin the relationship you have with your dad. Are they planning to marry? It isn't uncommon for widowers to remarry very quickly, and that's when there isn't already another woman on the scene.

SirGawain · 24/01/2020 15:10

A friend of mine was in exactly this situation. His much loved wife developed dementia in her fifties and, after nursing her as long as he could, she had to go into care. He visited her regularly even though she had no awareness of who he or anyone else was. He met another lady in similar circumstances and they found great comfort in one another. I attended both funerals and they quietly supported each other. There was no disrespect and I said to someone who commented that they had both be grieving the loss of their partners long before the deaths occurred. I am a Christian minister and would not criticise anyone in such circumstances.

helpfulperson · 24/01/2020 15:16

I know not everyone will agree with this but I think in this case your father is the primary mourner and the choice of who is invited and who is not is his alone. It would be different if she was someone he had only known a month or two but they had been together 3 years - she is his main source of emotional support.

But I do understand how funeral's stir up all sorts of emotions.

Bloomburger · 24/01/2020 15:19

Your dad needed her there. End of story IMO.

Floralnomad · 24/01/2020 15:23

Sorry for your loss OP , however you have condoned and even encouraged your dad having an ‘affair’ for the past 3 yrs and under those circumstances it was perfectly reasonable for him to want her at the funeral etc .

Qwerty543 · 24/01/2020 15:33

Sorry OP but I don't agree. She was there as a support to her partner who was going through a difficult time. I imagine it must have been very hard for her to support the man she loves through his wife's death and funeral. Have you considered that you dad may have asked this of her? This was about him. I imagine he photos etc eas because your dad found it too difficult.

You can't have it both ways, accepting her for the last 3 years but conveniently wanting her to disappear when you don't want her around.

rvby · 24/01/2020 15:39

Bless you op. You sound lovely, sensitive, and devoted to your family.

Good on you for allowing yourself some space to consider other viewpoints. It's an absolutely awful thing, to lose a parent to dementia, and to hear how hard you are trying to behave gracefully is very poignant.

Sending you best wishes. I'm so sorry your mum went through such a tough illness, and that she has now passed. lots of love xx take care of yourself.

Molly2017 · 24/01/2020 15:52

I think the gf should have shown a bit more respect. It’s one day to her. To you, it’s your past chance to say goodbye to your Mum.
I think you’ve been more then generous welcoming her into the family while your Mum was still alive.
My DM had dementia for just under 10yrs. Every now and then you would get a flash of her old self. It was unreliable and unpredictable but in that moment I knew it was her and she knew it was me.
I don’t think I would have been quite so understanding if my Dad had started a new relationship whilst she was still with us.
I think both your Dad and his gf are being unreasonable in this instance.
Don’t worry about whether to let her in your home etc just now. Take some time out to grieve and process. Just because she was ill for a long time doesn’t mean her dying is any easier (in my experience).
And I think it’s ok to say to your Dad you are hurt that they didn’t respect your wishes at the funeral. It’s better put in the open then you internalise the anger.

Original poster

Dogwalks2 · 24/01/2020 22:24

Once again, thank you to everyone who has posted. I’m now a lot calmer and have taken on everyone’s opinions they really have made me think about my emotions and I feel that we can all move forward as a happy family unit with her in a supportive role. I still am devastated at the loss of my mum but now know that I have to switch my emotions to grief rather than anger.
I’m not short of friends but this has been the completely without connection most helpful board. Thank you

OP posts:

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