Marriage troubles, something is wrong with me

[mamma437]

I could really use some help sorting out my thoughts.

1. My marriage had been struggling for the last year. DH became a SAHD because he wanted a break from work but also because he didn't make any time to find a new job even though he is highly skilled. His lack of ambition is such a disappointment, even more so since we had DS and I felt he should have had some obligation to try for him. DS is a difficult toddler and DH is generally great with him, but since he became a SAHD he's become a little less nice to me. Nothing major, more like he has less patience with me, snaps at me more when I make a mistake. I call him out on it and he apologises, promises to change. It's now not as bad as he was, but I feel a bit ground down by him, and small lapses still feel very hurtful and I feel differently towards him now. Since DH became a SAHD we moved to a new country in Asia for my job - I know being a trailing spouse is hard, and this country is hard to enjoy with a toddler, and this is adding to our issues. We had a big argument right before the incident below.

2. Recently it's emerged that DS has sensory issues and will need therapy. We've spent the last week finding therapists and he's due to start next week. DH and I also agreed that because of DS, he should continue as a SAHD for the time being. It's been a stressful few weeks and I've busied myself with the practical stuff - I'm too scared to think about the future.

I don't feel motherhood comes completely naturally to me but I've always been patient with DS. I've only lost my temper and raised my voice at him him once ever, until the last few days. He has a habit of grabbing and bending and throwing down my glasses, especially when I'm cuddling him or changing his nappy. I just bought new ones because he bent the old ones out of shape and the lenses are really, really expensive. This last week, I don't know what's happened with me - twice during a nappy change he grabbed them and I panicked and tried to get them back, it escalated to me shouting at him and using a swear word. Both times, maybe because of his sensory issues, he didn't even seem to notice.

But just now he did it again. And this time I just went straight to shouting "[name] give them back, for f* sake!" a couple times before DH came saying angrily that I was sick and took him from me. DS cried that time, but wanted to come back to me for a cuddle and he quickly seemed fine. But he may not be and I feel horrible with guilt about what I did, not once but the times. I don't know what's happened to me - I got angry red mist and felt out of control. I don't feel the urge to hurt him, just somehow that if I shout louder that he'll give them back, which is ridiculous.

3. On top of that, the Wuhan coronavirus is something to worry about where we are. Right before I shouted, we were discussing whether to send DH and DS back to the UK for a few weeks to keep them safe.

So I am now thinking to send DH and DS back to the UK because 1) to give DH and me some space. We probably need marriage counselling but I don't think we can afford it on top of DS' therapy, 2) there is something wrong with me because I have really, really lost my temper with DS three times in four days when I've almost never done it before, and 3) to keep them both safe from the coronavirus. I have the option of returning to my job in the UK if necessary if anyone wants to remind me about custody issues.

On the downside we'd have to start over and find a therapist in the UK, even if it's just for a month or so. I'm planning to go back to the UK in March for work anyway, so we could plan for them to stay longer and I could meet then there. But I'd miss DS terribly. He's very attached to me, still loves breastfeeding, and I don't want to put him through a long separation.

Please, please give me some advice. I don't how to disentangle my thoughts. I know that losing my temper has a lot to do with stress, but I don't know what to do about it. I'm otherwise happy with work. Just everything at home is going to s*.

Just to add I only mean to send DH and DS back for a month and they would stay with PIL. I have a good relationship with them and everyone is very reasonable. This is only until coronavirus fears blow over.

The other thing I know if that the three times I've shouted at DS were when other people were nearby - I think part of me is trying to shout for help. But I can't seem to actually shout help, I just shout at DS 😢😢😢

Hi OP,
I am sorry to hear things are so difficult for you.
Could you possibly have post natal depression? Plus with the general stress and the issues with this virus, etc you are under a lot of pressures and DH too.
I'm sorry I can't think of any advice to give you but I didn't want to read and run. Other much better MN users will be along with good advice I'm sure.
Please take care, you are not a bad mother and things will get better.
One thought, does your workplace have any kind of emotional wellbeing support? Someone you could contact to talk things through with an impartial person / counsellor?

Thanks @Sunnytimesahead. It helps to share even with strangers in the internet. I think we do have something like that at work, but in the UK office, not in my current office.

I wondered about PND early on with DS because of breastfeeding issues, but since then I've felt relatively relaxed and reasonable with him - as in I don't mind if he does something I don't like because he's a baby and doesn't know better. It can be quite stressful to look after him though.

It really is good to share. You have taken the first step in realising things need to change and get better.
I know you said the UK office has some support. It might be phone support so maybe look into this later just in case it's something that you can still access.
I only mention this because my workplace has phone support, I've used it and it's been really helpful.

The thing is, because of the sensory stuff, I've really recognised that DS may be blocking out what we've been saying to him, which is hindering goods language development. So I've been trying to be careful simplify what I say to him and not worry if he doesn't get it, rather than think he's being naughty or not caring.

I'm not keen on continuing to breastfeed either. But I'm gentle and firm when I ask him to stop.

Occasionally DS plays with stuff that is not appropriate or picks up something he shouldn't, and I'm over like a shot but I don't overreact.

So I don't know why I keep snapping when it comes to my glasses 😟. I guess the expense, that they're very breakable, also the fact that I really, really need them. But it's no excuse. I feel so ashamed. And DH will look at me differently now too. I lose my temper very occasionally but at myself, not at people.

Are you still breastfeeding? I went through a phase like this when I was weaning off breast feeding. My GP kind of gave me the push I needed to stop completely as my hormones were all over the place.

Don't give yourself a big hard time, we are only human and something has to give. Your husband should be supportive not judgemental, try and sir with him and show him how you really feel.about it all. He will.understand more, well he should.

You may need a break, may a few weeks just looking after yourself will help.

X

mamma

I think that your H engineered becoming a SAHD mainly and simply because he did not want to work and saw parenting as somehow "easier". You all moving abroad for your job made this aim easier for him to achieve. Your H is really doing nothing here to support you here and certainly does not have your back. Do you see you and your H still being together in say five years time?.

Do not send your DH and DS back for a month because of the coronavirus, its not a necessary course of action and certainly not one I would at all advise given the state of the relationship between you and your H. Is this also a symptom of your anxiety and on a wider level fears for your DS's future because of his sensory issues?.

What do you know to date about his sensory issues?. You will need to become his advocate here as well as his mother. You may want to consider posting about his sensory issues on the SN Children's part of this website.

Can you as a family move back to the UK permanently?. Its clear this current arrangement cannot continue as it is. I would certainly seek counselling for your own self; you need both a calm and safe environment to talk here.

I'm not sure that it's right to say the DH has engineered being a SAHD - they've just changed countries for ops job so how easy or realistic is it for DH to be working right now? A SAHM isn't considered to have engineered the situation is she, particularly if she's a trailing spouse? Op also says that they've decided DH should continue to be a SAHD following the diagnosed sensory issues so is this a joint decision that benefits the family? If so it's wrong to hold it against the DH.

As for op losing her temper with the DC, well that's not great is it? I think you need help to figure out what's going on.

Parenting a SN child is especially tough. I should know, Ds1 has bought me to my knees, literally, I fell to the ground sobbing.

There is a lot going on in your post. You need to step back and look at caring for yourself at this difficult time. Take care OP.

Her H is not being at all supportive here of his wife. OP writes that her H became a SAHD because he wanted a break from work but also because he didn't make any time to find a new job even though he is highly skilled. Why did he not make time?. That reason is missing and the power and control balance in their relationship has again shifted here.

"Parenting a SN child is especially tough. I should know, Ds1 has bought me to my knees, literally, I fell to the ground sobbing".

I can absolutely attest to your comment Oblomov. I often felt in the early days like screaming myself, at times I felt like I was not waving but drowning. I had to develop a thick skin, learn how to navigate the mendacious jungle that is SN and advocate for him as well as being his mother.

I think it's perfectly normal to feel the way you feel. You have been through so much with the move and the change of dynamics within your relationship, moving countries is "hard" and now with all of the issues you are facing with your son's sensory issues, there's no wonder you are on the brink. It sounds like a very, very stressful situation. If you are in the country I think you are in too, that makes it a lot harder!! Maybe your husband is struggling with this too but taking it out on you as he daren't say how he really feels. Being a SAHP is not all it is cracked up to be, it can be very isolating at times. I think you need to talk to each other and be honest about how you both really feel.

I agree with Atilla, I think you're angry with your dh and disappointed in him. Is it cheap to hire a nanny where you are? I'd be tempted to do that and get him back to work so you have more money for things like marriage counselling and start to feel more respect towards him.

Why did he not make time?.

Because they were moving for her job?

Is being a SAHP not worthy of respect?

I'd be tempted to do that and get him back to work so you have more money for things like marriage counselling and start to feel more respect towards him.

Do you think all SAHMs should get back to work so that their husbands will get more respect for them?

Thanks for your responses so far.

Yes I am angry with DH. We had a chat about this after Christmas and he said he would start to look for a job and we would look for a nursery. But then DS issues came up - a specialist nursery with therapy is only half day, outrageously expensive and DS might not adjust to it well. It would be better if he had stability and therapy. So we decided DH would continue as a SAHD for as long as needed.

So I don't know what to do with my anger with DH. Park it for a bit? He's been out of work for a year but he's "not looked for a job" for about 3 years - he can't close to being out of work twice before and still didn't apply for anything, and at the last minute his employer rolled his contract.

The reason why he doesn't look is not clear to me. He finds being a SAHD tough as DS is tough, and lonely in our new country because very few dads here after in his position, especially beyond the toddler stage. He says he's too busy with DS and housework and cooking to look but I've offered ample opportunities including taking leave and taking DS out on weekends so DH can apply. I came home early once to find him gaming.

Yes I'm angry. He promises he'll try and he breaks his promises. But I don't know how to deal with it now that we have decided he will stay at home after all.

If DH wanted to be a SAHD permanently then we could talk about it. He has entertained the idea of home schooling DS. But I can see how much he misses the mental stimulation of work. And as I said, he's not as nice a guy when DS stresses him out all day. So I don't think it's realistic in the long term. And I think as a guy or will be tougher to have a gap in his CV, especially in his field where he needs to stay up to date and relevant. And I don't earn that much, only £40k. So we'd never be able to afford a bigger home, we'd always be worrying about money.

I think given DH's qualifications be should be able to find a job here, he just needs to be a bit flexible.

I'd told him before that I don't mind if he doesn't succeed, only that he gives it a go. That he hasn't even tried in 3 years is what hurts and why I've lost some respect for him.

I forgot to mention that my posting to this country is actually temporary and we are planning to go back to the UK in a few years. One reason I asked for this post was because DH expressed interest in working in this country, and it made sense to us that if I already had a job here then he could use it as a base to apply for jobs too. So it's quite disappointing after all the trouble we went to uproot our lives to see him change his mind. Especially as I've said, DS would have more to enjoy at home in terms of open green spaces and fresh food. This is something I really regret.

I'm not sure that I'm following this at all.

If you've moved countries for your job, and are coming back to the UK in March, how feasible was it for your DH to find a job?

And if you've agreed as a couple for him to be a SAHD why are you angry at him for being a SAHD?

I'd say you panic about your glasses because they're so fundamental to your independence and who you are. I get the same sense of utter panic and helplessness if anything happens to - or seems like it might happen to - my car. Because I'm fucked without it and it feels like without it everything would just crumble.

I'm planning to go back to the UK in March for work anyway

I forgot to mention that my posting to this country is actually temporary and we are planning to go back to the UK in a few years.

It really sounds like neither of you are happy with your lives.

Can you get some counseling together so that you can both express how you feel within a safe space?

The reason why he doesn't look is not clear to me.

Actually it is. DH is a horrible procrastinator. Always had been since uni. He waits until the last possible minute and then pulls something out of the bag. But he's doing this with our lives now.

I know he can't change, at least not unless he feels real failure with no one to catch him. He's never experienced the hardness of life or the fear of not having a job. And I know I'm enabling that. But I feel like I don't have many choices while we are abroad and with DS sensory issues. I'd prefer it if his motivation came from within rather than my telling him off but when we talk about it he just feels resentful. It's less being married to a teenager.