Marriage troubles, something is wrong with me

[mamma437]

I could really use some help sorting out my thoughts.

1. My marriage had been struggling for the last year. DH became a SAHD because he wanted a break from work but also because he didn't make any time to find a new job even though he is highly skilled. His lack of ambition is such a disappointment, even more so since we had DS and I felt he should have had some obligation to try for him. DS is a difficult toddler and DH is generally great with him, but since he became a SAHD he's become a little less nice to me. Nothing major, more like he has less patience with me, snaps at me more when I make a mistake. I call him out on it and he apologises, promises to change. It's now not as bad as he was, but I feel a bit ground down by him, and small lapses still feel very hurtful and I feel differently towards him now. Since DH became a SAHD we moved to a new country in Asia for my job - I know being a trailing spouse is hard, and this country is hard to enjoy with a toddler, and this is adding to our issues. We had a big argument right before the incident below.

2. Recently it's emerged that DS has sensory issues and will need therapy. We've spent the last week finding therapists and he's due to start next week. DH and I also agreed that because of DS, he should continue as a SAHD for the time being. It's been a stressful few weeks and I've busied myself with the practical stuff - I'm too scared to think about the future.

I don't feel motherhood comes completely naturally to me but I've always been patient with DS. I've only lost my temper and raised my voice at him him once ever, until the last few days. He has a habit of grabbing and bending and throwing down my glasses, especially when I'm cuddling him or changing his nappy. I just bought new ones because he bent the old ones out of shape and the lenses are really, really expensive. This last week, I don't know what's happened with me - twice during a nappy change he grabbed them and I panicked and tried to get them back, it escalated to me shouting at him and using a swear word. Both times, maybe because of his sensory issues, he didn't even seem to notice.

But just now he did it again. And this time I just went straight to shouting "[name] give them back, for f* sake!" a couple times before DH came saying angrily that I was sick and took him from me. DS cried that time, but wanted to come back to me for a cuddle and he quickly seemed fine. But he may not be and I feel horrible with guilt about what I did, not once but the times. I don't know what's happened to me - I got angry red mist and felt out of control. I don't feel the urge to hurt him, just somehow that if I shout louder that he'll give them back, which is ridiculous.

3. On top of that, the Wuhan coronavirus is something to worry about where we are. Right before I shouted, we were discussing whether to send DH and DS back to the UK for a few weeks to keep them safe.

So I am now thinking to send DH and DS back to the UK because 1) to give DH and me some space. We probably need marriage counselling but I don't think we can afford it on top of DS' therapy, 2) there is something wrong with me because I have really, really lost my temper with DS three times in four days when I've almost never done it before, and 3) to keep them both safe from the coronavirus. I have the option of returning to my job in the UK if necessary if anyone wants to remind me about custody issues.

On the downside we'd have to start over and find a therapist in the UK, even if it's just for a month or so. I'm planning to go back to the UK in March for work anyway, so we could plan for them to stay longer and I could meet then there. But I'd miss DS terribly. He's very attached to me, still loves breastfeeding, and I don't want to put him through a long separation.

Please, please give me some advice. I don't how to disentangle my thoughts. I know that losing my temper has a lot to do with stress, but I don't know what to do about it. I'm otherwise happy with work. Just everything at home is going to s*.

Sorry not to be clear.

Coming back to the UK in march for a work visit only.

I agree we need counseling. But now that DS needs therapy I really don't think we can afford it. I'm planning to suggest it to DH.

Labour is cheap here, but proper childcare like a nanny is still expensive. Could get a cleaner and cook I guess but it's up to DH.

There is something especially annoying about getting your glasses damaged. I went ballistic on my dog after he munched on the 4th pair ( was working my way through old pairs until they got too naff to wear) At this point it was time to make changes, which in my case was buying varyfocals so I didn't need to take them off to read this enabling the dog to get them. I'm not implying this is the same, but I think my anger at the dog was also anger at myself for letting this happen again - repeat and get same result. So what I'm saying is, to avoid triggering anger, avoid the trigger to start with, which in your case should be an easy fix by either taking your glasses off when nappy changing or just keeping your head out of reach. As it happens, with time I have still left them around at times but my dog has ignored them. You say your DS has sensory issues, he got a reaction from you when he first did it, even a bad reaction is a reaction, so he might of done it again. If you break the cycle by learning what the triggers are and avoiding them, at least life will be calmer for a while. Apart from this, an in depth discussion about how you and DH are feeling and finding ways to improve your happiness and reduce stress is in order.

And if you've agreed as a couple for him to be a SAHD why are you angry at him for being a SAHD?

I've been angry for a while. He was only meant to be a SAHD for a few months. We've only just agreed that it should be longer because of DS sensory issues. But I don't know what to do with my anger.

@Opentooffers thanks for understanding about the glasses and that is good advice. I was thinking I should avoid wearing glasses completely when I'm holding him to avoid the trigger completely. It's tricky because beyond a metre I can't see the expression on his face they'll need to keep coming on and off. This morning when I last shouted I was just cuddling him before we went out.

*I think my anger at the dog was also anger at myself for letting this happen again - repeat and get same result

Yes that's probably true. And I think anger at DH for not being there to help me, even though that is completely unreasonable.

You say your DS has sensory issues, he got a reaction from you when he first did it, even a bad reaction is a reaction, so he might of done it again. If you break the cycle by learning what the triggers are and avoiding them, at least life will be calmer for a while.

Yes good point. I'll try to keep this in mind.

I'm unable to safely do anything without my glasses and I've flown into utter panic when DD has grabbed at them, so I understand. I take it contact lenses are a no-go.

It sounds like the glasses grab is a flashpoint for many frustrations. H clearly doesn't have your back if he's calling you 'sick' and not trying to empathise.

Hopefully other posters might be able to share success stories of couples counselling. XH and I didn't make it that far. I decided when DD was 2 to leave as I didn't want her brought up in a negative atmosphere. I had no respect left for XH partly because he had no ambition and expected me to be the higher earner. I had hoped he would change for years and by the time I realised what the issue was it was too late. I just didn't love him.

I know money is tight but try and seek out some counselling for yourself as soon as you can, and keep posting here.

I take it contact lenses are a no-go.

I can actually wear them, just not done so in years because glasses are more comfortable. And I just bought my new glasses and I'm not sure I can justify contacts just to wear at home.

XH and I didn't make it that far. I decided when DD was 2 to leave as I didn't want her brought up in a negative atmosphere. I had no respect left for XH partly because he had no ambition and expected me to be the higher earner. I had hoped he would change for years and by the time I realised what the issue was it was too late. I just didn't love him.

Thanks 😢. I'm scared I've almost reached that point. I don't think DH is a bad man by any means, just very flawed.

You have a lot going on right now ,and a new baby is quite testing for any relationship.You had agreed for DH to be SAHP but do you feel you may need to revisit that decision? I sympathise about glasses because I wear them and it is annoying when they are damaged .Dont be too hard on yourself, everyone shouts and says bad words from time to time its called being human I think! There are some glasses which are more flexible may be worth looking at those? I think you may be feeling angry as so much to deal with .Can you and DP go P/T do you think ?

The contact lenses you can wear 24/7 for a month are alright. £20 a month from specsavers. Worth it maybe to stop the panic/ worry and this being a particular flashpoint even as a temporary measure?

Please be as kind to yourself as you'd be to a friend in this situation. You've got a child with additional needs and you've moved halfway across the world where there's a health scare. And to top it off your hormones are going daft and things not good with H. That's a lot.

What strikes me is you say you're going to "send" your husband and child back.

This is a very odd use of words. It smacks of control. Like it's your decision, that your husband has no say in it, he has to do as you tell him

That's not right. You can't "send" him back. He is not a pet. He's an adult human being,

In fact everything about your post is about what you want your husband to do. Like you are in charge and he has to do as he is told.

That's a significant issue. If you can't treat him like an equal, but more like a child or pet that has to do your bidding and you make all decisions on his life, then your marriage is over.

I completely get it. DH is a SAHD, but also has autism/Asperger's and completely lost his self confidence and became very insular after giving up work (my choice to swap had PTSD and pnd and going back to work was the best thing for me). It is hard being in a country where you have few friends and family let alone being a SAHP on your own all day with a toddler when most early years play groups are female dominated and might not be as welcoming (DH's UK experience). It also sounds like this is the best thing for your DS right now. I have a ds with autism and having DH around at home has made getting therapy and the routine in place for him easier.

I also get frustrated and angry at DH's lack of action towards changing his own future, but as someone who was previously a sahp I do recognise that the transition back to work is not easy if you have been out of work a while. I do often feel like I am the only one adulting and that is stressful and I sometimes feel resentful, but there is lots that sahp do towards the running of the home too that is also work, it is important for your DH to also feel appreciated (this was important to me when I was a sahp). If he is not pulling his weight at home either than that is a different matter.

With regards to the glasses and shouting at your DS. Do you need to wear them to change his nappy? Glasses fascination is common in young children, I used to give my kids a toy to play with when I changed them to keep their hands out of the nappy, but maybe some toy glasses might help for him? If you feel yourself getting stressed step back and ask DH to take over. Also make sure you schedule something nice for yourself each day (can be small like reading part of a book), as the provider in the family you may be forgetting to give yourself down time to unwind.

You need to talk to him when all is calm and tell him how you feel.

Sending you big we all have bad days xx

"Actually it is. DH is a horrible procrastinator. Always had been since uni. He waits until the last possible minute and then pulls something out of the bag. But he's doing this with our lives now."

Yes he is so what are you going to do ultimately?. He is not going to change, this is how he will act going forward as well. You either put up with this and continue to be victimised or you exit the marriage.

I am not surprised you are angry with him; part of the reason for you people moving was him also expressing interest in working in the country you now reside in. Now he has again pulled something out of the bag. I also think he expects you to be the higher earner and I would not recommend he at all home schools your child either.

Can you permanently return to the UK sooner rather than several years down the line?.

Re counselling if he refuses to go which he may well do given his overall attitude then go on your own.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You do not have to remain with someone like your H. You have a choice here re this man, your child does not.

Hi OP. I think I remember you from another thread about your DS and how worried you are about him. All I will say is, don’t make any rash decisions right now because you’re under a massive amount of stress. It kind of feels like you’re thinking your son and husband need to be away from you as much as you need to be away from them? Don’t catastrophise. Everyone loses their temper, and it’s EXTRA difficult to keep your temper when you have a toddler who can’t communicate or understand that well. It’s OK to be frustrated that he always tries to wreck your glasses. Even the swearing isn’t such a big deal - did your DS understand that you swore? He didn’t, did he?

Try to be easy on yourself. You have it much, much harder than parents of typical toddlers right now. It’s easy to forget that, when you have no sense of “normal”. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you’re doing a great job - you’re working hard to do the best for your son, and getting him the early intervention that he needs. You’re doing all that.

Don’t make any decisions about your marriage. You’re in parenting survival mode right now, and it won’t always be like this.

@Haworthia yes that's probably me ☺️

Thanks all for your kind words. I had a good talk with DH when he came home and
told him almost everything I said on this thread. We haven't resolved everything but I feel a lot better now.

To answer your questions:
We talked over the decision to make DH a SAHD. At the end of the day while DS needs therapy one of us to be at home to take him and work with him, so DH is the sensible choice at this point in time.

@Bluntness100 I think you've got the wrong idea of me. I used "send them back" because that's a turn of phrase I picked up here. My boss uses it frequently when "sending" us abroad for work. I don't think of them pets. We've always made joint decisions, including this one. I treat him as an equal, my disappointment is that he has not been acting like one.

@123bananas thank you for the sympathy and understanding! Your words are so reassuring.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I suggested marriage counselling - I think it woke up DH to how bad I felt things have become. He is receptive to the idea.

We are still considering then going back to the UK just to avoid the coronavirus though. My reasoning is that it's better to go early before it really hits our country, rather than wait until it's more likely someone has it with them on on the plane. My family also lived with the SARS outbreak and it's a horrible way to live, being too scared to go out but forced to go to the supermarket etc for months and months. I don't want to put DS through that. We'll decide on three next couple days.

How are you getting on @mamma437?

@allthedamnvampires

Thanks for checking in. We're all fine. DH and I are being a bit kinder and more patient with each other. I'm trying to take some of the pressure off him too.
With DS I still feel tremendous guilt and I hope that this, avoiding a similar scenario and reminding myself that they are just glasses, will stop me from snapping again. DS has just started therapy so hopefully we will see some improvement soon.

And we've decided to stay put for the time being. The Coronavirus is a little scary, especially as everyone is panic buying, but we'll wait and see what happens in the next couple weeks.

That's good!