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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I still love abusive ex

59 replies

CharlieLima · 24/01/2020 01:36

I feel sad tonight. I’m getting over an abusive relationship with a narcissistic ex. He discarded me with no explanation. I know that I’m much better off without him but I did love the person he presented to me in the first 6-9 months that we were together. I went through denial and anger, I was feeling strong. Now I’m back to feeling really sad. I miss the person I thought that he was. I miss the amazing connection that I felt while he was lovebombing me. I can’t quite let myself believe that he abused me intentionally. Will it get easier? Will I stop loving him one day?

Yes, I love myself.
Yes, I’m in counselling.

OP posts:
CharlieLima · 24/01/2020 22:48

You could say that we were both part of his narcissistic harem. But he wasn’t sleeping with both of us at the same time, in case you’re wondering! He presented her existence to me as someone from his past who had loved him whose feelings we needed to be mindful of.

OP posts:
rooflanterns · 24/01/2020 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ as it contained identifying information.

CharlieLima · 24/01/2020 23:03

Thanks. He hasn’t asked me not to contact him. I’m trying not to contact him because I don’t want to get dragged into an abusive cycle. I’m seeing who he is much more clearly now.

OP posts:
rooflanterns · 25/01/2020 10:21

In your last thread you said he had had enough and and wanted nothing more to do with you. You had been sending him text after text.

You don't know for sure what is going on with him, or with this "other" woman, and it is too soon for you to have any real objective perspective on it, so the kind and sensible thing to do is to just focus on yourself in therapy.

CharlieLima · 25/01/2020 13:06

I haven’t been texting him at all. I think you’re confusing me with another poster.

OP posts:
rooflanterns · 25/01/2020 20:33

messaging not texting?! Or similar? Over Christmas? Wrong poster?

CharlieLima · 25/01/2020 22:27

Definitely wrong poster! No texting/messaging, no phone calls, no emails, no meeting in person for many weeks.

OP posts:
rooflanterns · 26/01/2020 11:24

I inadvertently posted something identifying upthread, sorry.

So just focusing on what is in this thread, I would not minimise abuse ever, in any circumstances, but I think that there are a lot of things in this thread - abuse, narcissism, soulmates/twin flames, empaths - and I do think that there is some confusion about it all and it is worth exploring further with a therapist. Sometimes a belief in "soulmates" can affect how you enter into relationships. Thinking that having a strong connection and strong feelings with someone can be wrongly interpreted as "meant to be" whereas in fact other things are also going to be necessary for a successful relationship.

IME, someone who has identified themselves as having been on the receiving end of abuse would not be contemplating on any level contacting the abuser. In fact, ime, and this is just my experience so worth talking to a therapist about, if you have been abused your automatic fear response would kick in in quite an overwhelming way at the thought of contacting them.

Therefore I do wonder whether in fact this is more to do with you being heartbroken, and finding it hard to process those feelings, and therefore projecting, and again, something your therapist would be better placed to help with. IMO all the things you list would not necessarily be abusive or intended to be abusive. IME if you really felt he was capable of "evil" rage there is absolutely no way you would be contemplating contacting him. It is also possible that some of what you experienced was reflected.

For them, the man and the "other" woman, if you have got it wrong then the allegations will be very stressful and they will be wondering and worrying about what you will say next.

For you, by tagging onto it definitely being related to lovebombing and being discarded may prevent you from learning from the experience.

"Empath" - I am not sure therapists talk in terms of empaths and I am not sure whether this label will help you. Basically, the relevant factors I think are things like whether or not you have emotional intelligence, self awareness, empathy for others, self control and most people have these qualities to varying degrees and as we emotionally mature we get better at them, and I also think how your upbringing has been, whether you experienced emotional intimacy as a child will be relevant. So it lots of factors, not just being "an empath". Someone who really does not have the positive qualities such as empathy and is intentionally abusive is likely to have a disorder, it is true, but it isn't something you or I could diagnose.

So in summary I would try to explore things about yourself rather than try to pin it/label it too simplistically.

I am sorry again about the identifying post upthread and good luck.

rooflanterns · 26/01/2020 11:27

I meant - I inadvertently posted something identifying and it has been deleted now.

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