I still love abusive ex

[CharlieLima]

I feel sad tonight. I’m getting over an abusive relationship with a narcissistic ex. He discarded me with no explanation. I know that I’m much better off without him but I did love the person he presented to me in the first 6-9 months that we were together. I went through denial and anger, I was feeling strong. Now I’m back to feeling really sad. I miss the person I thought that he was. I miss the amazing connection that I felt while he was lovebombing me. I can’t quite let myself believe that he abused me intentionally. Will it get easier? Will I stop loving him one day?

Yes, I love myself.
Yes, I’m in counselling.

It's almost like giving up drugs.

It does feel like that.

the trouble is that I didn't realise at the time he was abusive. All his actions were framed as 'constructiv criticism', he was trying to help me to improve.
Same. I have only just properly realised what he was doing. I did have an inkling in July and confided in a male friend who convinced me that my guy loves me and isn’t a narcissist, just a very rational person. I think he was wrong.

That is so horrific about the new bride. How awful.

I would never do this but my guy’s ex from years ago is on FB. She dumped him and I would love to contact her and ask her about what happened. I won’t of course. They’re not in touch at all but it would be weird and inappropriate.

I know his most recent ex though. She’s clearly still under his spell and she’s the person who he triangulated me with. She seems very emotionally damaged and I think he did that to her.

OMG @SuperbMonkey, I actually reread your post I case I had written it myself and forgotten. Wow. Same story. @CharlieLima, I am so sorry this has happened to you, I know how much it hurts. Superb and others are spot on. And it will get better with time. I was with my narc husband for over 20 years before being discarded without so much as a backward glance. That was a year ago. I am still hurting but recovering every day. You will too. Much love

Thanks. I’ll check out Richard Grannon.

Thanks Purplecatshopaholic

Agree there is some great stuff on YouTube. I like narcology unscripted.

Did any of you tell other people about the narcissistic abuse you suffered? I have told a close friend and I have discussed it with my therapist. I don’t feel able to explain it to any other friends or family though. I think they all thought “he’s just not that interested in Charlie” and I don’t want to look like I’m finding an explanation to fit his behaviour, just to make it not my fault. My mother especially probably thinks that I wasn’t good enough for him. Other friends think he’s just a bit of a sh!t. It doesn’t matter why it ended but I wonder if you had similar struggles explaining it.

male friend who convinced me that my guy loves me and isn’t a narcissist, just a very rational person.

I've beem with my lovely husband for 12 years now. He's a rational person. Oddly, he has not said anything to damage my self esteem, to put me down and to make feel like I'm inadequate. I'm still the same person, pretty sure I have not objectively improved..

@CharlieLima if they see benefit to themselves they can love bomb forever then leave when the wife is a nursing mother or dying, or her parents are dying.Some do just that! As soon as I needed support for the first time in the marriage the devaluation started leading to discard a year later. I am just 5 months down the line. And the discard was brutal.

@Purplecatshopaholic . It’s good but also sad to read that I’m not the only one. It felt like it at the time. And he did this amazing long suffering, hard done to, sad face when telling me and other people how awful I was and how he had put up with so much. Without mentioning his rekindled relationship while we were married. Those who know me know he is lying and more of them are coming over to supporting me. Those who believe him, I have ‘discarded’. I’m kind not stupid!

Dear lovely OP,

I would really take another look at how much you love yourself. Would you repeatedly put a person you loved in situations where they were ridiculed, devalued, triangulated, and driven to feelings of suicide? Would you always put a loved one second, or even last? Yet you've done both of those things to yourself.

I used to do the same myself - and I believed that this was perfectly normal - never occurred to me that it was a symptom of my lack of love for myself. But I promise you, having come to a place where I genuinely do love myself, I have no time (or need) for people who love me less than I do!

It really helped me to think of it in terms of addiction, not love, because the two are very different. N's cause addiction in our brains, because of the intermittent reinforcement they give via hot and cold behaviour, love-bombing then discarding etc. Love isn't like that. It doesn't feel like that. Love can let go - with regret, but without that hideous craving.

He's your heroin. Treat him as such.

I found Melanie Tonia Evans and Natalie Lue really helpful - their blogs and podcasts even more so than their youTubes

Yeah my dad knew my ex was a narcissist, he was beyond relieved that I got out safely. Out of the fog is a good website too.

I would really take another look at how much you love yourself.
I really do love and like myself very much. His behaviour confused my thinking but I never stopped loving myself.

Would you repeatedly put a person you loved in situations where they were ridiculed
The ridicule wasn’t clear at first. I thought it was his sense of humour. I thought I just hadn’t met anyone quite like him before.

devalued
When he devalued me I stood up for myself. I suspect that’s why I have been discarded. He criticised something and made me question it briefly but I very quickly went back to the original thing (sorry to be vague) and it was clear that I wouldn’t succumb to his criticism. Another time he said my outfit was tarty. It wasn’t. I said I disagreed with him and I think it looks nice. I wore it again another time in his presence.

triangulated
The triangulation was presented to me in a way that he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I thought he was being kind and respectful towards her but it’s only more recently that I have read about triangulation that I realise what he was doing. When we were together as a 3, it was me and him with her on the side. He made me feel like the more important one. If I had been in her position and still gone along with it, I agree, that’s not an act of self love. I tried to be kind and good. I knew she meant next to nothing to him.

driven to feelings of suicide?
This was a few weeks ago. It was a fleeting thought but was part of why things have come to a head and why I want this to stop. I felt that way because of what he was doing with the cycle of feeding me breadcrumbs and withdrawing but with the memory of what I thought was the real him from the lovebombing phase.

I was naive and I was foolish. But I never stopped loving myself.

Would you always put a loved one second, or even last? Yet you've done both of those things to yourself.
I’m putting myself first now.

if they see benefit to themselves they can love bomb forever then leave when the wife is a nursing mother or dying, or her parents are dying
This is pretty much my situation. My parents are coincidentally both dying and he disappeared the day after one of their diagnoses. I never asked anything of him. I didn’t cry on him. I was actually really brave but puff he was gone.

I definitely think that I was or I am addicted to him.

My therapist says that it’s like an open wound that’s trying to heal. Every time I let him back in or I reestablish contact it opens the wound again and I am set back.

I don’t think that I’m a broken or damaged person that he found to target. I think that I’m mostly happy, healthy and wise. I’m kind, loving, warm and full of empathy. I was love bombed by him and my naivety let me think this was the real deal. The pain and anguish kicked it when he started to withdraw and devalue me. That phase went on for many months and in retrospect I wish I had had this realisation sooner.

I love life. I love being alive. I’m generally a very happy and positive person. In a weird way I am glad that this happened to me because I have grown as a person. I’m wiser for it. Less naive.

I don't think he targetted you either. But I do think that if you loved yourself as much as you think you do, you would have dumped him for his bullshit VERY early days.

It's easy for me to see though, because I have the hindsight goggles on!

he played me an another woman off against each other, trying to make us both jealous What did he do?

would get me to reveal everything about myself to him without ever revealing much about himself I don't really understand this. You mean he listened more than spoke? Right from the beginning? How did he use things against you?

he made me feel so low that I considered suicide I hope you feel better now?

Ah I see - I have just looked up triangulation. So he used you to communicate with her, or he used her to communicate with you?

I don’t really feel like I need to go into further details of the specifics of the abuse.

I feel a lot better now thanks. I think the other stresses of Christmas were making things seem a lot worse than they were.

It is good that you feel better. If you don't feel you need to go into further details of the specifics of the abuse, then of course you mustn't. I wonder how the woman who is the other part of the triangle is now? I assume you care a lot about her, as you are so caring and nice, you must want to warn her? What a difficult situation to be in.

OP it’s a good sign that you can see clearly that this guy was simply presenting a version of himself that wasn’t real. You have to keep telling yourself this over and over again. Don’t forget that OP.

I struggle with this myself. I suffered the most horrendous abuse and still today I question myself. My ex has stalked me in recent months (followed me home from work to find my new address and then turning up at my house at 5am or in the early hours drunk). It got so bad my dp said he couldn’t take anymore. My ex capitalised on that and has presented his best self over recent weeks but I keep him at arms length adopting the grey rock technique. He has a new girlfriend and seeing him willingly want to cheat on her (another one) jay xo to yes to reinforce that he’s rotten to the core. He has been extremely mean about her, as he has all of his other exes which by the way includes myself. He never changes. Your ex won’t change. Narcissists can’t.

Stay strong OP.

Thanks everyone.

Yes I have worried about the other woman but I feel that she has been a lot more damaged by him than I have. I wonder if she knows what he is or whether he did such a number on her that she feels like she can’t have another normal healthy relationship.

I fleetingly thought about contacting her but I suspect she would tell him and an almighty evil rage would be unleashed upon me by him.

I wonder if she knows what he is or whether he did such a number on her that she feels like she can’t have another normal healthy relationship Did she confide in you, and did you ex confide in you then about her? It is just that you said that he didn't tell you anything upthread. How on earth do you know all this?

I have met her and, as an empath, I sensed that she had been damaged by him. I also heard him speak to her on the phone and the dynamic between them was odd. He either spoke to her as if she was nothing. Or he spoke in a strange, soft, controlled voice that was a bit creepy in retrospect. Like he had a calm hold over her. Then he would be his normal vivacious, lovebombing self with me.

I never spoke to her about him.