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Original poster

Premature ejaculation

28 replies

Wheresmyshittingmeat · 23/01/2020 19:33

Hi all. I'm feeling gutted and sick with anxiety tonight. DP has just randomly told me that he went to GP for some tablets as he doesn't think he can have sex for long enough before coming. I had no idea he was doing this or that it was a problem. We haven't been having sex that regularly as I have no sex drive. One a week or once every two weeks. Maybe three occasionally. I'm menopausal, had some gynae issues last year and now he wants me to have sex for ages. I'm horrified and he's now angry with me. I feel sick.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 23/01/2020 19:39

Coerced sex is rape OP as is sex without your consent. You're a human being and you have a right to discuss what is going on in your own sex life. People don't just get to dictate to you how long you have sex for and you just grit your teeth until it's over. Were you sexually abused or in an abusive relationship before? It sounds as though you don't understand that you have rights to your own body and what happens in the bedroom.

Have you spoken to your doctor about your lack of sex drive? It could be due to your hormones or other issues so it may be worth visiting your doctor. However, that's with the caveat that you actually want a sexual relationship with your partner.

3rdchristmaslucky · 23/01/2020 19:49

OP I think you might be jumping the gun here.

It sounds like your DH is concerned about his lasting time, and that could have something to do with insecurity on his part. Which might, in fact, have something to do with your lack of sex drive.

Men are more sensitive than they often let on and he might be feeling rejected. He's probably been looking at problems with himself that might be turning you off sex with him.

The fact that he's approached the GP and then come to you about this means that it's an issue for him.

You really need to sit down and have a chat about how you both feel and what you want going forward.

Icehotel · 23/01/2020 19:52

What the issue ? What am I missing?

Original poster
Wheresmyshittingmeat · 23/01/2020 19:57

The main issue is that he did it without consulting me. Also having sex for hours is not what I want at the moment.

OP posts:
Icehotel · 23/01/2020 20:34

Did what without consulting you?
He probably doesn't want sex for hours either.
He sounds under a lot of pressure

3rdchristmaslucky · 23/01/2020 20:36

@Wheresmyshittingmeat with all due respect, it's his body and he doesn't have to consult you about going to see a doctor to address his concerns.

Seeking help for premature ejaculation doesn't mean he wants to have sex for hours. You really need to actually talk.

Original poster
Wheresmyshittingmeat · 23/01/2020 21:04

Oh well I can see noone understands.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 23/01/2020 21:07

OP he cannot have sex for hours with you without your consent. Do you understand that? You have to consent for that to happen, or it's sexual assault and you should contact the police. No one gets to do anything to you sexually that you do not want them to.

Don't have sex, any kind of sex, that you don't want to have.

Original poster
Wheresmyshittingmeat · 23/01/2020 21:14

Yes but I do have to. If I want my relationship to continue then I have to have sex on a regular basis. As everyone says, everyone is entitled to sex in a relationship so what do you when you live someone but your body has no sex drive at all?

OP posts:
12345kbm · 23/01/2020 21:17

You might find this helpful OP. It's a guide to how to talk to your partner about sex: www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-sex/sex-common-problems/i-dont-know-how-talk-my-partner-about-sex

Here's a sex and intimacy quiz that may help you clarify your thoughts: www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-sex/sex-common-problems/sex-and-intimacy-quiz

MajesticWhine · 23/01/2020 21:19

There is nothing worse than your partner wanting to bang away for ages when you're not even that interested. You do need to find a way to talk to him about this. Can't you tell him in the nicest possible way that you don't want a marathon session.

Scott72 · 23/01/2020 21:24

????
This took a strange turn. OP have you told him you have zero desire for sex with him? Does he know?

Meanwhile all he probably understands is your desire for him is down a little, which he seems to be blaming on his poor performance and not satisfying you (not understanding you have zero desire for sex). He's seems to think if he can last a little longer (not for hours!), this might make give you more satisfaction. This would seem like such common sense to him he didn't realize he should've asked you first.

According to 12345kbh he's doing this so he can sadistically subject you to hours of torture, and you should probably go to the police! Is 12345kbh being serious?

MemorialBeach · 23/01/2020 21:25

OP has he actually said he wants to have sex for hours/ages? Premature ejaculation is i believe defined as ejaculation within 1 minute of penetration - is is possible he has the tablets to allow him to have sex for a few minutes, rather than for less than 1 minute?

That said, as said by PP you don't have to have sex at all, of any length, if you don't want to.

12345kbm · 23/01/2020 21:27

According to 12345kbh he's doing this so he can sadistically subject you to hours of torture, and you should probably go to the police! Is 12345kbh being serious?

100% with sprinkles. That's EXACTLY what I wrote.

MemorialBeach · 23/01/2020 21:31

Good points by Scott. Does he know you have zero sex drive?

Original poster
Wheresmyshittingmeat · 23/01/2020 21:32

That's just it. He doesn't have PE. He just wants to last a bit longer. He knows I have next to no sex drive. I am screwed up as far as sex goes. I was abused by a family member as a child. Been treated badly by previous DH. Just so done with men and sex. I know it's wrong but how do I change this? I'm not a sexual being and I don't understand why it's the absolute be all and end all for men.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 23/01/2020 21:36

OP I'm sorry to hear about the sexual abuse. Have you had any support with that?

Hopoindown31 · 23/01/2020 21:37

It's important to your husband and there is nothing wrong with him for that. There is also nothing wrong with you for not wanting sex, but unless you both talk about this with each other those two things will be in conflict.

Scott72 · 23/01/2020 21:37

Sorry if I went off there a bit 12345bh but it seems like you were jumping straight into assuming the very worst possible of OP's husband.

OP you have to tell him you have zero desire for sex, not just "next to no". None, and you will never want to have sex with him again. Be brutally honest. Give him the option to leave. I think that is fair.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/01/2020 21:40

Sex is important for most people.

If you are sure that you will never want sex with him, then you need to tell him that, and give him the option to make an informed choice - either stay with you and get his sexual needs met elsewhere, or split up and find someone who finds him attractive.

Knowing the person you love doesn't find you attractive leads to a slow erosion of self esteem and confidence.

Original poster
Wheresmyshittingmeat · 23/01/2020 21:43

I know, I feel awful about it. It's nothing personal about him. It's me. I'm so damaged.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 23/01/2020 21:43

@Scott72 I thought it was funny. No worries.

Opentooffers · 23/01/2020 21:46

OP what you do when you have no sex drive, is really look into the reasons why and go from there. What you don't do is have sex anyway, doing this only helps if part way into it you actually find yourself enjoying it after all. It doesn't sound like this is the case for you.
Is your relationship all good in other areas? You seem to fear losing him, but the response you should expect from your DH is not to up and leave as long as you are making attempts to address the reasons.

Original poster
Wheresmyshittingmeat · 23/01/2020 21:49

I feel desperate. I have terrible health anxiety which I'm getting help for. I feel I've screwed my life up and mostly hate myself. Sorry, I'm not having a good evening.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 23/01/2020 21:52

I think you need to sit down with him and talk about this. Does he know about the abuse? I don't know if you feel ready to share that with him. If not, perhaps some therapy to help you process it.

Stop having sex with him if you don't want to OP. You are retraumatising yourself over and over again.