I just need someone to talk to

[ASadMommy]

Hey guys!

This is a bit awkward I don’t know where to start.... I don’t except sympathy or anything I just want to know wether anybody has felt like me before.

A bit of a background... went through a messy divorce( cheating, verbal abuse, neglect), ended up being a single parent for well over a year.

Finally got myself out there and met someone who I thought was a very good guy. One red flag tho he had a son that he never seen due to his ex not letting him. Long story short she threatened him, said he is never seeing the child. He admitted openly that he never tried to gain access, due to fear and just not knowing what was the right thing to do at the time so he left it. I didn’t jump right into relationship but we were friends first and then it developed, over the last 8 months he pretty much became part of my little family. He ‘loves’ (well he said so, but I’m not sure right now) my son as his own and we been extremely happy. I even started to think hey maybe there is some serious future with this guy. We always openly spoke about his son he doesn’t see, I did several times suggest he tries to gain access however he said it’s for the best he stays away even he wants to be involved in his life. I said I always support him if he gets to gain access at any point.

My family loves him and thinks the world of him which was hard to achieve after my ex husband. They don’t know about his son as I was afraid they wouldn’t accept him at all untill they got to know him if I told them. So there is always a fear from my side my parents would not accept him anymore if they found out, and I know that’s wrong of me not to tell them about i it.

And now the final, last night as in (1am to 5am) his ex, mother of his child rang him 14 times and texted 3 times saying they need to talk. As day went on he spoke to her and she all of a sudden after two years of no contact and denying him any access to the child, wants him to be involved. He jumped at the occasion straight away, arranged to see her and his son tonight after work before even speaking to me. Now I always promised I will support him, but I thought it won’t come on so sudden and be such a rush. I just can’t explain how I feel, cuz I know I sound heartless and selfish but I feel really hurt cuz of all this. I feel like we just gonna be tossed to a corner now as he got everything he has ever wanted which is his OWN (as he texted me today) son. And maybe I’m being horrible or getting it all wrong but I feel like it’s over and and he won’t care about us now. It’s just how quickly he arranged to see her (btw she lives about 2 hours drive away from where he lives). I’m just shocked and I don’t know why I feel hurt when I knew this day as gonna come sonner or later. Guys am I being horrible feeling like that? Did I make a mistake getting involved in his life in the first place? Has anyone been in similar situation and what were your feelings at that moment? I just don’t know how to feel atm, I’m really struggling and I’m not expecting sympathy and I know there will be people on here who would say I’m being horrible as he is doing the right thing but I just needed to get it out to someone as I got none to talk to about it.

I think its great hes going to see his son and you're overreacting. He isn't dumping you but please please let him build a relationship with his son on his own. You do not need to be involved at this early stage. Support your boyfriend but dont meet his child, you've not really been together long. Be happy for him and he'll talk to you about it

Namechangedfortubehelp

I would never ever stop him seeing his son, I would rather walk away from this relationship than spoil it for it I can assure you of that. And I know what it's like introducing and bonding with a small child and I would never expect to be there. I would even respect the mother wishes if she didn't want me around her child for whatever reason. I'm just so pissed off with myself cuz I feel so hurt by it and you are right I'm overreacting but I'm just struggling as it does feel like the end of things I just can't explain why it feels like that.

It’s a change. That’s what you’re reacting to. Maybe he’s kept things simple because he thought it was easier. Love isn’t finite. His priorities may change, and honestly they should, but your relationship with him also doesn’t have to. I suspect you’re in shock as although you’d encouraged him, it had never seemed a real possibility before.

MidsumerMom

I think it's because it's so sudden, like it happened within less than 24 hours. I was at work while I was finding stuff out so it was hard to process and focus on work as well. I know they should that's why I'm thinking at the moment it's better if we weren't seeing each other anymore as I don't want to be second best but I have to be cuz that's the right thing to do if that makes any sense.

No I haven't seemed possible as when we were at the friends stage and very early relationship stage I kept telling him to fight for his son but he kept saying he is just going to leave it and I guess I got so used to him being there for us 100% that the thought of that really terrifies me. He constantly made it out like she would never ever allow him to he his son. The last couple of weeks I started to relax a bit in terms of just overall feeling of this relationship is working, we doing great and I can give myself into it 100% feelings if that makes sense and what happened today hit me like a ton of bricks.

Don't panic .... it sounds like the Son has asked to see his Dad OP... 14 calls and texts sound like she was panicking trying to reach him.. something has changed and she is covering her arse ... it's highly unlikely that this come from his Ex .. I can't see her suddenly becoming sentimental... after all this time... so try to relax and support him.

Give him space and let him breathe OP.. whatever you do don't put pressure or make any demands of him right now.. everything has changed and he needs time to adjust.

Or has she just found out about you and your son? Hmmmm. Time will tell. Step back and see how things go. Time will tell.

BumbleBeee69

That wouldn't be possible as the son is only 1 and half old, so I don't think it's that. He was supposed to ring me by now and talk to me briefly about what's going on and what's she said but I'm still waiting. And also this was my point he told me she threatened to get him killed if he come near her or their child and all of a sudden she just comes out of the blue with all this. I know I probably sound horrible but you gotta understand my shock and feelings as well. This morning before he spoke to her he said ' I hate her with all my heart' yet she snapped her fingers and he ran to see her and his kid. I can understand about him seeing his son but it all seemed dodgy to me what's going on. I will support him but I also need some support as apart from him I haven't really got anybody I can have a honest convo with

AMALDO

I don't see how she could find out as we have kept off social media about everything, I don't even have a Facebook account and we live in different places so it's just bizarre. At first we both thought it was about money (child support) but then she just comes out with that.

That wouldn't be possible as the son is only 1 and half old, so I don't think it's that.

aahh okay.. I see what you mean OP.. course he wouldn't ask for Dad.. well I believe something has definitely changed.. for Her OP.. what that is remains to be seen...

OP.. please do not sell yourself short with this relationship.. if if feels like it's going to be a mess/stressful.. walk away.. you find the strength and you walk away lady.. you need to think of you and your own Son..

It's not healthy for someone to "love" your son like their own after even less than a year.

Way too soon and that's why things like this shake you up so much - it's way too early to be involved in each other's parenting choices (I'm aware he hasn't been an active parent until now but I mean in principle) at all.

Personally I would think a man was a dick and be disappointed in him if he didn't jump at the chance to have a relationship with his child. Surely the alternative is him not giving a shit?

As I say it's unhealthy for someone to be described as loving your child like their own after you've been with them for even less than a year.

@ASadMommy
You still have no idea why he wasn’t allowed to see his son previously?

It’s all new, he’s clearly excited at the moment.
I’m sure he still loves you and your son, but just wants involvement with his biological son too.

What I would find odd is the time she rang? & the amount of times ... bit OTT! Unless there was a medical emergency. What’s she been telling the child all these years.... about his dad. What was the emergency?!

Are you worried they may get back together?

Bumblebeee69

Yeah I just spoke to him on a phone as he is still there but I had to stop myself from breaking down. He didn't tell me much just kept saying that he is not gonna leave me etc but I feel so shit. I was angry as well as when I asked if he told her about me and my son he said yes and he got no right to do that.

Don't worry if it's gonna affect me greatly or I see it affects my son in the slightest I wouldn't have a second through about leaving this relationship. I didn't leave my son's dad for nothing and that was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

YasssKween

He did bond with his very quickly all through I kept them separate until I was sure I wanted to be with him.

He doesn't have a say in parental or any raising matters tho but he has been an amazing support for myself and my son and my son treats him like a best friend.

I agree.. he had no right to tell the ex any of your business OP. Please take care of yourself

Sadie88

I do his side of the story was they were together only 3 months (about month and half in she found out she was pregnant), they argued as hell apparently and she was an extremely vile and toxic person and she was she didn't want to do anything with him or he had no right to the baby etc and he just left it. Never asked or talked to her again after she threatened to hurt him if he come near her or their son. That's the story I know but I heard it off couple of people (friends and family of his ) and the story was always exactly the same so I had to reason to doubt him. I'm sure he is excited as hell don't get me wrong but I'm not and that sounds so horrible.
And she did say to him that she was gonna tell the child he was a horrible dad and abused her and just left etc.

I don't know, obviously when we discovered the texts and calls in the morning we were both terrified what was going on and she didn't even say it was her just the texts kept saying 'we need to talk, can you ring me' and that's it.

BumbleBeee69

Thank you at least someone agreed with something I said today. I will be talking to him more tomorrow about it and see what happens but atm I think we might just need some space.

Thank you and thank you for talking to me ❤️

He did bond with his very quickly all through I kept them separate until I was sure I wanted to be with him.

If he's only been your partner for eight months then that is awfully quick I'm afraid. And I'm assuming you introduced him fairly soon in the relationship if you've been together such a short time and he already says he loves your son like his own.

He doesn't have a say in parental or any raising matters tho but he has been an amazing support for myself and my son and my son treats him like a best friend.

That's good but it works both ways - you don't get a say in his parenting choices either so your reaction (I feel) should be to take a step back while he addresses this and give you all a chance to breathe.

His head must be scrambled, it's unfair to expect him to have to placate you while he is dealing with a life changing thing.

He's your boyfriend and you are going to have a few days or weeks of spending less time together than normal because he needs to get his head around something huge and hopefully connect with his child.

Have some quality time with your son and focus on him for a while, let your boyfriend have a few days or weeks to get to grips with this.

You don't need to confront him or have an official break or break up. Nobody is doing anything wrong, it's just a stressful situation that nobody needs to add even more drama to. Just have some time to focus on yourselves and your own priorities.

YasssKween

I guess you are right yes, looking at it like that they only know each other 6 months and for the first two months I didn't introduce him to my son as I thought it would be too early. It just happened I guess. We started having days out always having fun and spending time together and they very quickly grew to be very close to each other. It was rushed defo but it wasn't forced.

I would never say anything to him, if i had to say I would say to him give it a couple of days before you see him I said to him after he told me he was seeing him today that I got no say it what he does as it's his decision only when he asked when it I was alright with it. But telling his ex about me and my son that ain't alright and I will take it up with him.

I understand that he needs to get his head around it as well that's why I haven't said anything to hurt or anything like that and I kept all my feelings to myself cuz I know it's not a right time to say anything.

I just said about a break as I feel that would benefit him with connecting with his child as left face it he wouldn't have to waste his time seeing us he would have more time to spend with him. And then after some time we can see about getting to see each other again as I feel like if I seen him right now I just just cry and I feel so awful for feeling like that.

You said you didn't introduce him to your son until you were "sure" you wanted to be with him. But that was only eight weeks in.

This is the danger when things move too much too soon, particularly with little ones involved.

You can probably see from this situation that you have expectations and boundaries that aren't matched by the reality of how long you've known each other and how well you know each other.

In your boyfriends defence, he may have thought on the spot that it would be disloyal not to mention that he was with someone if she asked him straight up. If he'd come back to you and said no I didn't tell her I have a girlfriend you may have also felt shit then. It's a bit of a lose lose really.

But as I say it sounds like this has been too much, too soon and unfortunately now there are consequences. Don't let this turn into something that takes over your headspace. Yes you've enjoyed your time with him but you really haven't been with him long at all and things may sort themselves out.

Suggesting ultimatums about "official" breaks / breaking up or being passive aggressive by making it clear you're upset won't help you, it will cause even more drama.

Just both have some breathing space, do your own thing and focus on your children. Don't make his son coming back into his life about you is the best advice anyone can give I think.

YasssKween

We were texting for about 6 weeks and then seeing each other as friends for another 4 before we thought about relationship if that's any better. I thought excluding my son for too long wouldn't be fair and then relationship couldn't develop if he wasn't involved if that makes sense. That was my thinking at the time.

I totally I agree with that my fairytale idea was completely different to the reality so that's why I got crushed so much today.

Okay but he doesn't answer to her, he gone to meet his son for the first time today not to and have a old good chat with her. He wants to tell her about his life that's up to him but he should of asked me first as I don't want her knowing about me. It's not even the fact that he said 'yeah I have a gf' it's the fact that he told her about me and my son etc. I just think that private.

I get that about the breaks but if I give him the freedom and space to sort himself out then he won't feel obligated like he still has to be there for us and gives him all the opportunities to do what he wants to.

I completely understand that. When I spoke to him on the phone ( sorry keep mentioning it) he asked if I want to see him tonight but I'm way too upset to do that so I just said no cuz my son I unwell and probably be up all night, which is true as well. I don't want to make it about me to him that's why I come on here to talk to people and get it out of me and it just helps my head clear and makes me understand why I feel like that and why it's actually wrong to feel like that over the situation.

I think it's ok to feel upset.
Is it in "best interest of the child" as they say in the legal world that they are communicating together
Every child's going to need both parents help out at some stage of the childhood.
You got involved but no one knows what will eventuate in any relationship.
Don't deny him the right to be a part of his child's life or lay emotional stuff on him.
Support and have boundaries. Unless he was injuried a 1am text or calls abit dramatic.
Im sure he will have to put her demands first to please his contact with his child, talk and let it out,, sometimes we do stuff and don't think, he was trying to make it easy to see his child.. just imagine what's going on with his emotions too.
As long as she's not tying to win him back or cause problems, support this by being open and honest with each other.
Of course it's difficult, find your way to cope and make sure it doesn't upset what you have.

This all seems unnecessarily dramatic. Involving him with your child after a few months, and now wanting to suggest a ‘break’ just because he’s met his child

Just take a step back and breathe, it’s all so hectic and dramatic, calm down before you make any more mistakes

@ASadMommy Why don’t you want the ex to know about you? I’m not talking intimate details.

It sounds like you are overreacting and shutting him out, when he hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s making time for you too.

Gather yourself and see him, talk to him.

I agree with the above it's all very dramatic. I would bet that if he hadn't told her about you youd still be annoyed "he didn't even mention he had a girlfriend"

Yes agree that he needed to say he had a girlfriend with a child. Not necessarily the details of course but the ex should know he’s attached.

Are you worried that he is going to get back with this woman? Is that the issue?