I just need to talk about the things my ex did to me.

[STANTER]

Because I am going insane. My ex was abusive. It started off slowly and got worse when I became pregnant. He would tell me to go to the gym. Inspected my stretch marks when they appeared and told me about how he hated them. Left me on my own when I was in labour for hours. Threw things at me. Would drive fast (110+mph) and when I asked him to slow down he would smile and get faster. He would open the car window on my side when it was freezing and when I tried to close it he would keep his finger on the button so I couldn't. He would stop me from feeding our tiny baby when he was crying, and shouted and became angry when our son was teething or upset. He would punch and kick things when I did something small wrong, and snapped at me all the time. He pressured me to have sex all the time and made me feel bad when I didn't want to. He raped me but only once. I am a mess, and a shell of a person. And I am going too fast. I tried to date even though it's been a year but in reality I knew I wasn't ready and am just seeking more validation. I feel like I am worthless and the things he said about my body have stuck with me. I feel disgusting and ugly. I don't even know why I am writing this but it's making me feel slightly better. Had anyone else experienced this? Does it sound as bad as it feels?

The sad thing is that I have 16 more pages of things he's done to me and my son. I am completely broken.

Brokenness is never complete. There is hope.

You really need to book some sessions with a counsellor
Face to face counsellor willreally help you
Please book someone today

He sounds evil but you are free.
But you are suffering OatSD and need professional help...it willreally help

PtSD

It's not as easy as just booking a counsellor. There are really long waiting lists and the ones you get on the NHS are really not very good. I've tried.

You're traumatised. You can heal from that in time.

Have you had a chance to do the Freedom Programme? It might help you see it's not about you or your fault and you're not alone.

I'm on a waiting list for the freedom programme and start in April. I really hope it helps.

Women's Aid?

Rape Crisis?

Oh great. I hope it does too.

I know waiting lists and trying to find a good trauma therapist can be tough. They do exist, though.

Learning about trauma can help a little too.

I've had help from women's aid but they just refer me on and the place they referred me to has an 18 month waiting list. I tried rape crisis for 4 days on the trot but they're sadly so busy I can never get through and end up feeling rejected (I know, ridiculous but I can't even explain how sensitive I am).

In case it's useful: www.selfhelpguides.ntw.nhs.uk/merseycare/leaflets/selfhelp/Post%20traumatic%20Stress.pdf

Even if there's only a tiny part of it that's useful in some way at least it's something.

I've been through the referral mill. It's excruciatingly painful so I feel for you. I don't think it's ridiculous to feel rejected in the circumstances. It's horrible being bounced from person to person and having to try and explain painful things for strangers only to get bounced along or put on an epic waiting list.

There's a book called Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman I found helpful. It's on Audible if you don't feel up to reading but listening does feel manageable. It made me feel understood and hopeful again.

Please keep plodding away and take comfort from the things that do help as they will add up.

Does it sound as bad as it feels?

It sounds absolutely horrendous and I am so sorry these horrors happened to you.

How awful that you had to endure that. It sounds so deliberately cruel and twisted

Are you safe from him now?

Write all the stuff down here if it would help you to tell us.

OP I have nothing to say that will help you, but I just want you to know that none of this is your fault, and you are NOT disgusting. His words and actions reflect only on him and not on you. You can get through this. I can tell from how you write that you are a kind soul and I really wish you all the best in the future.

OP, Women's Aid are not the only domestic abuse service in the UK. There are others who may have resources that could help. If you try the search facility, you may be able to find more support: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

There are also centres and services specifically for trauma that you may be able to access for free or low cost. Do a search and see what you can find in your area. Some therapists offer a sliding scale of costs though you'd be hard bent to find anything under £30 an hour. Take a look at BACP for therapists who specialise in trauma. Other places to look are training schools who have low cost clinics, you may be able to get therapy for about £5 an hour in some places.

@STANTER
Your ex was a nasty abusive arsehole and you should be proud of yourself for getting yourself and baby away.

You are going through PTSD and you may also have Complex Ptsd if you had a traumatic childhood too.

Did he remind you of someone abusive from your childhood? A parent or sibling?

Buy the book by Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?
It tells you all about abusers and their behaviour.

Research about cluster b personality disorders, Narcissists/psychopaths/sociopaths
You will see how they fit into a pattern of abusive behaviour.

You will be able to spot the red flags in future so you don’t go back into another abusive relationship.

That abusive prick you were with was a hard lesson to learn, but you are stronger and wiser. You will get through this.

You will be trauma bonded to him and it will be difficult to let go of this relationship, be prepared for him to try and hoover you back in.

Look at these channels on YouTube:
Surviving narcissism
Narc survivor
Susan Winter
Derrick Jaxn
Sarah Speaks
Matthew Hussey

Stay strong!

Are you working at the moment OP? The only reason I ask is that some workplaces have an employee assistance line or something similar. If you are working, it might be worth asking if this is available.

You should be very proud of what you have achieved so far.

NHS therapy varies, but did anyone acknowledge you have ptsd? There is treatment that helps with this but it's not just CBT which is what you are usually offered as the first treatment. I think you normally have to see a psychiatrist rather than psychologist for it( but I'm not sure).
If you feel really low do phone the Samaritans. Also does your area have any "safe havens", these are places you can go rather than A and E if you are having a mental health crisis.

First of all well done for getting out of the relationship! It takes strength. It would have taken you strength to be in the relationship and being a mum at the same time and enormous strength to leave. I left an abusive relationship 3 1/2 years ago. I’m in a really good place now but it has been a process and taken a long time to love and value myself. I did go to counselling through women’s aid and it was very good. I also read books and articles that helped me realise it wasn’t my fault. It is a process to heal from am abusive relationship but it gets better day by day although some days are better than others when you are in the process of healing and that’s ok. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, happy and you will soon get to a much better place. If someone told me 4 years ago I would feel the way I do today I would not have believed them . My self confidence was so low. I didn’t even realise it was sometimes cause I was so used to living like that . If you want to message me privately you are very welcome to do so . 🙏🏻

Buy the book by Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Sorry forgot to bold to show I was quoting another poster.

The above is an online version.

I hear you, I believe you. 💐

You are amazingly strong to leave him. It will take time but you will get there. It sounds silly but say outloud that you are amazing.