I just need to talk about the things my ex did to me.

[STANTER]

Because I am going insane. My ex was abusive. It started off slowly and got worse when I became pregnant. He would tell me to go to the gym. Inspected my stretch marks when they appeared and told me about how he hated them. Left me on my own when I was in labour for hours. Threw things at me. Would drive fast (110+mph) and when I asked him to slow down he would smile and get faster. He would open the car window on my side when it was freezing and when I tried to close it he would keep his finger on the button so I couldn't. He would stop me from feeding our tiny baby when he was crying, and shouted and became angry when our son was teething or upset. He would punch and kick things when I did something small wrong, and snapped at me all the time. He pressured me to have sex all the time and made me feel bad when I didn't want to. He raped me but only once. I am a mess, and a shell of a person. And I am going too fast. I tried to date even though it's been a year but in reality I knew I wasn't ready and am just seeking more validation. I feel like I am worthless and the things he said about my body have stuck with me. I feel disgusting and ugly. I don't even know why I am writing this but it's making me feel slightly better. Had anyone else experienced this? Does it sound as bad as it feels?

OP I am so sorry for what you have been through. It sounds horrific. And your ex sounds like he is absolutely evil, and I don't use that word lightly.

I am in awe of you for managing to get you and your baby away from him. That's amazingly hard to do, but you did it!

The fact that you want to recover from what happened and address it also means you are stronger than you think.

Please take the advice from other posters about resources to use whilst you are waiting for NHS input. Do you have a Well.Womens Centre near you, as they often do counselling too.

I some ways, therapy works best when it's a while after the events have happened. It's easier to gain perspective and a different viewpoint when things aren't quite so raw. So, whilst it's shit that you can't access it now, it is likely to work.very well for you when you do start it.

In the meantime, there are the books and audible things recommended by others, and also we are here for you. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that not knowing you doesn't mean that we can't care deeply about you

I would stay away from dating for the foreseeable as you could end up with people exploiting your vulnerability following your recent abuse. Also, this is a time for you to focus on you and your baby, not some energy drain of a bloke - fuck that shit for now!

You will get there OP. I believe and have faith in you

I am so sorry youve been through this hell and i am so proud of you for getting out.

Are you in a safe place with your little one now?

Another one standing by your side. You have been so brave.
What's the situation with him now? Have you left?

I just wanted to add another voice to say I'm so sorry for your awful treatment and you are very brave and I hope you and your son are now safe and that I hope happier times will be in front of you. Xx

I feel like you have done so much to get free of him.
I left my ex about 3 years ago and there was a lot of conflict between us but it's so peaceful now.
I felt that it was like I had had a serious illness and it was a slow recovery but you'll get there.

If, by any small chance, you're based in Birmingham, there is a charity that run a listening service. They are fab and no long waiting list. Message me if you would like details. ❤

What a nasty person. Truly vile. You poor thing

I've been through similar, and I can promise you it gets easier and better. Once you get over the hump, it will get better exponentially every day.

I feel like I am worthless and the things he said about my body have stuck with me. I feel disgusting and ugly.

Nooooo! Those are HIS words, not yours. And he probably never even thought those things, only said them to make you feel bad and control you.

You are DEFINITELY NOT disgusting nor ugly!
You are DEFINITELY NOT worthless!
You are a seriously tough badass motherfucker and nobody should ever be stupid enough to fuck with you!
You lived through some of the worst shit that can ever happen to a person, and you dragged yourself out to the other side.
You got yourself and your son out of hell and into freedom.
You did that, as terrifying as I know taking even that first small step was - as paralysing as I know even coming to the realisation was, as overhelming as even that first tiny idea of escape was - YOU DID THAT.
YOU FUCKING DID THAT!

I'm sure you don't feel like that right now, but it's absolutely true. You should be extremely proud of your bravery, your toughness, your mental and physical fortitude, your abilities, your resourcefulness, your motherhood, your protection of your son.

Someday you will. I hope and pray that it's soon. You deserve to be bloody well proud of yourself for what you've accomplished and the insurmountable odds you've overcome.

I for one admire you tremendously. Sending you hugs and strength and admiration and love. I hope you can feel it.

www.timeout.com/newyork/news/name-a-roach-after-your-ex-at-the-bronx-zoo-for-valentines-day-012220?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1579796059

Here's a present you could send him
He could aspire to be a cockroach

I was in a brief relationship with someone narcissistic and abusive but nowhere to this level. Even so the scars their behaviour leaves do stay with you. I sometimes think back to the way I was treated and feel so worthless and stupid for allowing myself to be treated like that.

All I can say is the best revenge for these dickheads is a life well lived. Don't let him take anymore from you. Get the counselling you need to recover and be kind to yourself. Be happy and forget the vile pathetic loser.

It’s good to talk about it. I think most of my friends have heard enough, but it’s good to know I can come on here and be understood. Take each day at a time, tiny steps and it will get better

You can heal, but do do the freedom programme.
In the meantime, checkout Meredith Miller on youtube. She is very calm and wise on the subject of recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Please don't date. I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years and I would go so far as to say that for the 7 years after I left I either couldn't meet anybody decent who wasn't repelled by my people pleasing, or who didn't have a low self-esteem themself.