The dreaded MIL :-(

[VME15]

Really don’t know know what to do. To cut a long story short, the mother in law is very opinionated and controlling, I won’t give examples because I would be here all year! when I am around her I am always stressed and can’t relax.

Now that I’ve had a baby she’s ten times worse!! She’s texting me almost every day with unsolicited advice on what I should do to help my daughter (recently had colic, bad sleeping, constipation, her 8 week jabs etc etc). I can tell by the way she looks at me with a grimace she wants to tell me what to do and unfortunately for my husband she is very vocal with him. Telling him how he should feed her, hold her, Bath her, she even told him to stop her from crying!!! As if there is some magic way to stop it!

It’s getting too much and my husband hates confrontation, I don’t know what to do to make it stop 🙈 it’s making me resent her So much. Any help would be appreciated!

Tell your husband that you dont care if he hates confrontation and he needs to have a word.

Your phone needs to break op.
Divert her messages to dh.

For this exact reason my mil never had my number.

Next time she says anything to either of you just tell her if you ever need advice from her that you will ask for it. And continue doing things the way that works for you and your baby.

Just smile enigmatically and say "your comments are duly noted".

Doesn't mean you agree or disagree! Use the tips that work for you and ignore those that don't!

Just don't engage in a debate.

Put a bit of distance between you.
Tell her that you're very busy with a new baby and you need her to text less, just outright tell her.
Tell her that you're more comfortable navigating your own way as a new mother and would appreciate her not bombarding you with unsolicited advice. Also inform her that you will ask her for advice when you need it, given her experience.

Be straight to the point, but don't burn any bridges.

If she then takes the hump with it, divert the issue to your husband.

From personal experience - manage it NOW. Because it gets worse. My MIL booked herself on my honeymoon after I told her where we were going, as you would in general conversation.
Lay boundaries ASAP and make it clear. DH needs to support you too.

Thanks guys! I have never said a bad word to her, no matter how nasty she has been. The last time my husband confronted her was when she said some horrible things to me before our wedding (things like she had to accept me now as my husband had chosen to marry me!) and then she cried When he did. After that, she kept telling me she wasn’t commenting she had to shut her mouth now whenever I said anything and made it worse! then she had a go at my husband saying that she thought he didn’t like her 🙈 she is so manipulative. So you can see why he hates confronting her, sometimes it makes it worse

The phrase 'thank you for sharing that ' each and every time she comments. Then you are not being rude, you are acknowledging what she wanted to say

and promising to do SFA about it.

win/win

I think finally here has a great suggestion. Sp long as she is not being rude or offensive stick to generic non comital replies. My MIL loves to give advise and often frames it in a way that makes me feel she thinks she is a better parent than me. She might be but I know I am doing my best and not doing anything to hurt my children so if I want to follow my own path I will.

Keep away from her; put physical as well as mental distance between you. If she cannot and will not behave civilly then she should see none of you. Block her number from your phone, you certainly do not have to read the texts being sent.

Your H grew up within such a dysfunctional family and on some level probably regards her behaviour as normal. BTW where is your FIL in all this, I ask only as he is not mentioned.

Your H has been conditioned not to confront his mother and is also mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re her. Because of his FOG and his inertia re his mother he is unable and perhaps also unwilling to at all confront her. He may still be wanting her approval on some level and could well go onto use you as a buffer between he and she. Do not let this happen either. In any event your H and you need to present a fully united front when it comes to his mother. It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Reinforce your boundaries here and be consistent. Do not adopt the policy of appeasement by not saying anything. You would not tolerate this from a friend, his mother is no different. I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics that are being played out here.

I’d stop replying to any message she sends you that contains unsolicited advice. How often do you see her in person?

Block her number.

Totally disengage.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think you hit the nail on the head about my husband being conditioned not to say anything to her. The whole family just let her say what she wants and rarely comment on it.

It’s true, I wouldn’t usually tolerate this with anyone. anyone who knows me knows I’m quite open and not afraid to call people out but I bite my tongue only for my husbands sake.

Will definitely give that book a read! Thank you!!!

If you block her or behave in other aggressive ways, your child will lose a grandmother and your husband will also be in a difficult situation. The family will be irrepairably split. Is this what you want?

Better to just say 'thank you for your advice' but continue to do things your way.

Assign a ring/message tone to her number of ‘Silent’ then you can look at them when you have time and aren’t constantly disturbed ! Congratulations on becoming a mum to a lovely daughter

I'd block her as well.
If she is too toxic for you and your DH then she is too toxic to inflict on your DC!
Protect yourself and protect your DC.

Ger your DH to google FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt.
He also needs to read THIS BOOK
And you need to read THIS BOOK

Don't reply, or discuss what you do. If you must, then "oh that's interesting mil" or "I will have a look at that" or "thanks mil"
And then just do what you like.
Block her on Facebook and your phone.
Make sure she doesn't have a key to your house....

Do we share the same MIL??

Sounds identical to mine! I got asked on my wedding day ‘how do I feel about becoming part of their family?’ - I’d been with him ten and had two kids...

My first thing was to stop telling her stuff - honestly there was an Information black out.

Then I started ignoring her messages and calls

Then I started sticking up for myself

Then I started avoiding her

Then when One day I got a pissed up horrible message off her I finally had the excuse to go no contact.

This woman is just an ordinary woman. Didn’t matter if she is older. She’d bullying you and you need to stand up to her. Dog your heels in.

Dh is relieved I went NC with her as it means he never has to sort any bullshit out. He was conditioned too - just like the rest of his family.

I couldn’t block her, I would never stop her from seeing her granddaughter. She can be lovely and thoughtful but then revert back to her “normal” self.

totally agree VME

Diverting her texts /calls to dh isn't blocking her. Would you keep a friend who treated you so badly? Think not.
She has spelled out how she feels about you so why allow yourself to be treated like shit?
Hardly a good example to your dc of dealing with a bully.

@Whynosnowyet

but there are other things to take into consideration here besides the MIL's treatment of the OP aren't there?

The OP is wisely thinking long term of the well being of her family, and whether there are wiser ways of handling this.

I couldn’t block her, I would never stop her from seeing her granddaughter. She can be lovely and thoughtful but then revert back to her “normal” self

I’d like an update on this is 12 months time

@PGtipsplease hilarious, my MIL said exactly the same to me! We had been together 8 years and had a child. Weirdos aye!!

WhiskyandIce Cant believe that ! WTAF ? Im surprised you are still married TBH!