The dreaded MIL :-(

[VME15]

Really don’t know know what to do. To cut a long story short, the mother in law is very opinionated and controlling, I won’t give examples because I would be here all year! when I am around her I am always stressed and can’t relax.

Now that I’ve had a baby she’s ten times worse!! She’s texting me almost every day with unsolicited advice on what I should do to help my daughter (recently had colic, bad sleeping, constipation, her 8 week jabs etc etc). I can tell by the way she looks at me with a grimace she wants to tell me what to do and unfortunately for my husband she is very vocal with him. Telling him how he should feed her, hold her, Bath her, she even told him to stop her from crying!!! As if there is some magic way to stop it!

It’s getting too much and my husband hates confrontation, I don’t know what to do to make it stop 🙈 it’s making me resent her So much. Any help would be appreciated!

"I couldn’t block her, I would never stop her from seeing her granddaughter. She can be lovely and thoughtful but then revert back to her “normal” self"

You are really being naïve here. Such people like his mother do not and never will play by the "normal" rules of familial interactions.
When has this lady been truly both lovely and thoughtful to either of you as your DDs parents?.

The "lovely and thoughtful" is an act designed to draw you in; after all many abusers are plausible to those in the outside world.

What you forget here in your first sentence also is that if any relative is too toxic/difficult abusive for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your daughter as well. Such thinking as well simply plays into the abuser's hands. What do you want to teach your DD about relationships?. You're basically telling your MIL in adopting this position she can continue to do as she likes and you're not able or willing to stop her (therefore like your own husband). You're afraid of her too and like him is also not willing to confront her.

You likely came from an emotionally healthy family, your H was clearly not so lucky. His mother has no boundaries and is not at all concerned about the long term well being of your family unit. She has emotionally harmed her son, your now H and now really has free reign to do the same to your own family unit.

Your MILs normal self is controlling and thus abusive. You would not tolerate this behaviour from a friend and his mother is no different. I would urge you to have a rethink.

AttilaTheMerrkat I understand what you’re saying, I am 100% not afraid of her. My H would still like a relationship with his parents (especially his dad who is the most kind, gentle and lovely person I’ve met) and me not saying anything is for my husbands sake.

VME

See what I mean about fear, obligation and guilt?. Your H is mired in this as well as inertia. He is far more afraid of his mother than you here and will do anything, including seeing you as his wife and his child cop her toxic behaviours, not to upset her further.

Not saying anything to her has not worked and this has continued this family's unhealthy dynamic of not saying anything to her. Your H has learnt from his father, a man who has himself has never said anything to his wife about the excesses of her behaviours. He enables her and acts like your H. Both these men act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. They are weak bystanders of men.

Your H probably on some level hopes that his mother will change (she will not and nor will his dad) and he still on some level likely wants her approval too, approval she will never give him. He can only change how he reacts to them.

I am certain on some level your H would like you and his mother to get along so that he does not have to deal with her; he is emotionally incapable of doing so due to his own conditioning. He is really throwing you under the bus now because you're acting as a buffer between she and him. He is really giving you no consideration here whatsoever. She goes after you now and sends you unwarranted and unwanted advice re child rearing because you are also seen by her as the weak link.

Your child needs emotionally healthy role models as grandparents; they are emotionally unhealthy. If your parents are nice then concentrate your efforts on them, encourage your DD to have a relationship with a nicer set of grandparents.

If these weak men will continue not to act then you have to do so. You need firm and importantly consistently applied boundaries; what is and is not acceptable to you here. You as a couple need to apply a united front when it comes to his mother. Unsolicited text messages are unacceptable You would not have tolerated this behaviour from anyone else and his mother is no different.

You keep making excuses though. If you want a different result you actively need to do something about it.

If you don't like something then say it!

'please stop offering unsolicited advice'

Then block her on your phone.

@VME15

please do what you think best for you and your family. Some posters on here evidently know in depth the personalities of your family despite never ever having seen them or heard more about them than a couple of sentences. They would never have to deal with the fallout of the destruction they sometimes advise.

Blocking MIL from sending unwanted and unwarranted text messages would be a good start for the OP. She needs boundaries and they as a couple need to present a united front when it comes to his mother.

OPs H cannot stand up for his own self here and is throwing his wife under the bus as a result. Saying nothing for his sake does not work; this is what his whole family have been doing.

His mother has caused her own family unit to further become damaged by her actions and this in turn further impacts the OPs family unit. All OPs MIL cares about here is her own self; not her husband or now adult son for that matter.

No man or woman should have to merely put up or shut up around controlling and thus abusive people.

pusspuss it's precisely because posters have first hand experience of this situation that they are offering a particular stance. If OP says or does nothing different how does she expect the situation to change? She needs to minimise the opportunities for her MIL to unload her unwanted advice. And a polite 'please stop doing x' is actually better than letting the situation become worse and worse over time that they eventually fall out anyway. Nip these behaviours in the bud.

Stop reading her text messages and stop responding to them. If she then asks why, say "I really don't have time for texting. I'm busy with baby."

Other responses:

"Is that the way you used to do it in the old days? How quaint!"

"Yes, DH remembers the way you used to parent him. Each to their own I suppose!"

"I can see that baby is bringing up all sorts of memories about when you had a baby of your own. It's a special time isn't it?"

"You did things your way. I'm doing things my way."

"Let me guess! You're about to give me another slice of unwanted advice! DH! Your customer!"

My advice would be to meet like with like, rather than challenging her directly ( because she will likely enjoy that more than you will). So, ignore then once a week open the unsolicited advice texts and reply

"sorry I haven't had time to look at all of these. Thanks for thinking of us...there's so much great advice out there, luckily we seem to be managing ok so far.
In the meantime have you seen these..."
and add a few ' how to be a great grandma/mother/ mil' links from the internet.

Face to face you and your dh need to close it down every time without starting the row eg 'ok, but I think we'll carry on like this'; 'that's interesting but i can manage thanks', or ( if you're desperate) if you really want to help right now you could always go to the shop and pick up some ( insert random baby related item here).

@brassbrass
I think you have to balance the situation as is against the possible fallout of blocking contact. The OP has a family to consider, not just herself.

These situations are NEVER black and white as some posters on here seem to think. There are many things to consider when choosing one's path. One person's previous experience and consequent responses are never the same as another's, because of many contributing factors and personalities having to be taken into consideration.

@5leafclover
some good suggestions there.

pusspuss she's not blocking contact with the child just blocking the unwanted texts shoving advice 🙄

@brassbrass
I know but there are less aggressive and more helpful ways of handling this

Only you are interpreting it as aggressive. Plus it's not up to you to tell people what they can and can't advise. Your advice isn't any more perfect. The OP will read a bunch of different views and take what she wants or nothing at all. Who knows.

Are you new to MN?

If you are on Whatsapp you can choose to block people for 8 hours, or for a week, for instance. Then send a single text saying "Food for thought" or something else vague. Nothing aggressive about a new mother setting up her phone so that she is not bothered by messages and can get on with looking after her child.

Just politely say/repeat/get DH to say and repeat:

“We appreciate your input but we are finding our own way of doing things”.

If she persists even after 100 of these I would have to be a bit ruder and say “I’m not doing that because XYZ” and end up huffily saying “you aren’t the bloody oracle”.

But myMIL is a total BITTTCCCHHHHHH so I am very biased....