How to get better at arguments

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My husband is much better at arguing than I am, which always results in me being the one shouting and him being smug about me "being emotional" or "not well".
I am not stupid, I know that many things he does would qualify as emotional abuse. I just need ways of handling it. I don´t want to leave right now as it is not all the time (it comes in waves) and I´d like to give my kids some more years as a family. Splitting up now is therefore really not an option.
An example. He wants something. He goes on about it day and night. I don´t want it (it concerns buying something expensive). He emails me lists of "options" but I know that if I choose the we-don´t-buy-it-option he behaves like a prick for eternity. He does this mostly when we are with other people: so we see acquaintances and he makes this sad face saying I want this so dearly but my wife is against it. She only wants to buy stuff that she likes. When my family visits I like to keep them out of our ´internal business´ but he enjoys putting me on the spot she doesn´t let me buy this. I asked him to be normal over X-mas when my family came round but instead for four days he badgered them over not closing the right doors/opening doors to often/not doing the dishes correctly/leaving the light on etc. It were all things that indeed, it would be better done differently, but with people being your guests I always feel that there needs to be some tolerance and acceptance. When his family comes over they also do a 100 things that slightly annoy me but I would feel embarrassed to make a point of every little thing. He clearly does not feel embarrassed at all. Then when I was serving X-mas dinner, which took me about 2 hours to prepare, he didn´t come to the table when asked. He was loitering in the kitchen pretending to clean something (unnecessarily). So we had 10 people waiting and he just didn´t come. I then started serving everyone and after asking him again (in vain), I served myself. He then shows us at the table asking me to serve him. I refuse as I am already eating and then he goes into a huge strop about not being served. This he continued for the next days, all the time pretending that it was my fault for causing the argument (by not serving him). He brought it up with every meal, leaving my family uncomfortable (let´s see if I get any food today, as she would serve me yesterday). I tried not to escalate the situation as we had guests, but again it left me feeling so down. If I have friends over, he will always make little comments like "oh, you have such a small car" or "oh you didn´t go to university" etc. With his friends I am always welcoming and interested. I think his comments are insults and I also think my friends perceive them as such. He thinks they are just innocent comments.
Back to the arguments: no matter how hard I try, I never get him to accept my point of view. So he comes up with his proposal again. I say I am not taking any of his options and then he says that I am unwilling to discuss anything. I know that if I do not give him his way, he will be difficult at every future outing with my kids and family. I proposed to separate our finances so he can buy it on his own, but he won´t accept that either. I know he won´t change, so I am desperately looking for some tools to help me cope.

Sorry, but splitting up is always an option.
And living around verbal & emotional abuse is especially bad for children.

He's a mean bully. I don't think learning to argue better will help.

Try shutting him down. He starts on about wanting something, just tell him no. Then completely ignore his badgering. Get a nice pair of noise cancelling headphones and put them on. Leave the room if he starts.

For the comments in front of friends and family, laugh and say don't mind DH his rude switch is stuck on today.

If he badgers about you won't let him but something, just laugh and say DH is quite the toddler today.
Or you can just refuse to go with him to friends and family. Go by yourself.

But really, your DC being around his messed up behaviour will impact them negatively eventually. They may learn to bully people to get their way.

Thanks, I know I deserve such replies. What he will say immediately is that I am the one who does the verbal abusing. Everything he says is with a smile (and usually in company of others), and when I try to discuss it afterwards with him, I am the one getting emotional and verbally abusive. I´m trying to stop myself but haven´t managed very well so far (hence my post here). He usually just stands there and says things like you are not well or I am not arguing with you because I know I am right, which tend to tip me really over the edge.

If he is emotionally abusive, learning to argue better won't help, because your agendas in the argument will always be different.

Yours will be trying to persuade him to see your point of view, whereas his will be to trip you up, make you do something he can call "crazy" or whatever other derogatory label, make you feel you are wrong, to win, to establish and reinforce his position of dominance over you. It is not about rightness or listening to him.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft? Especially his description of "The Water Torturer".

In a healthy relationship the point of an argument is primarily to get the other person to see your point of view, and possibly to find out who is right.

If you want to be better at arguing in an emotionally healthy way, then a more productive way is to argue/discuss with the intention to better understand the other person's point of view, rather than starting from the position that your own is right. Your partner believes they are right too and you respect each other, so start from a position of curiosity and you will more readily find the space of your common ground, from where you can start really negotiating. It's also nicer and you feel less attacked, but ultimately the outcome is the same (you each hear/understand the other's point of view).

But you can't do the above with a man like your husband. Because he's not interested in getting his point of view across, or in understanding/listening to yours. That is not why he is arguing and if you believe that it is, you will lose (and get extremely frustrated), because he is playing by different rules.

What are your children getting out of being stuck watching this go on for another couple of years? Genuinely.

Sorry but you have to leave.

I know you are not ready but start preparing yourself to be ready. He does not want to be a better partner.

From experience - dc do not thrive with this around them.

I´d like to give my kids some more years as a family.

You aren't giving them anything like that though.
You are showing them that a woman exists to be abused, belittled and bullied by a man and live like that.

As a child who had warring parents, I can tell you for 100% sure they know something is up. How much detail they know depends on their age, but they know. And if you are staying together for their sake, that will very, very easily translate into them feeling like it is their fault.

Stop kidding yourself and get out.

("Thanks, I know I deserve such replies." - Case in point to my first comment. You're so downtrodden you are even apologising to people who want to help you)

Oh, one of my sentences reads oddly and the meaning is ambiguous.

When I said "It is not about rightness or listening to him"

I meant that for him, arguing isn't about finding out who is objectively right, because his belief is so strong that his own POV is the only valid and correct one. He does not consider that your POV may be valid or right, because he does not respect you or see you as an equal. This is the crux of emotional abuse, which is the root of all abuse.

Arguing for him is not about him listening to you, because on a fundamental level he does not believe that your views are worth listening to. Instead, he believes that you must listen to him, which means unquestioningly accept his views and obey him. When you do not do this, because you mistakenly believe that this is an equal relationship in which you are both equally valid, he simply escalates his measures of control, which in his case sounds like goading you until he can claim you are "crazy". Some abusers might become aggressive or intimidating, or simply refuse to continue the conversation as you are not "co-operating" (not submitting).

Try your best to ignore him when he says things. I know it's very hard.

Explaining how you feel won't matter because he's not looking to be agreeable or solve anything. He just wants to poke you with a stick until you react. Count to 100 if you have to.

Ignore the things he says in front of others. He says blah blah snarky thing. Ignore. If you're with someone else, engage with them. Like have you tried X at the supermarket or something like that.
Afterwards, don't bother to bring it up with him. He can't be reasoned within
It'll take a lot of practice but he won't be able to argue if you refuse to.

Do you want your DC growing up like this, with him as a role model? Acting like he does, treating their partners as he treats you, or treating their own partners like that?

If you don't, you have to leave, not "get better at arguing".

If you don't do it for yourself, do it for them.

I meant to say, do you want your DC to grow up allowing themselves to be treated like this? My first bit didn't make much sense, sorry.

I think any advice other than leave, is irresponsible given the damage he is inflicting on your DC, as well as you.

BTW, WRT "waves". It is generally better and safer to leave when the level of abuse is lower and the relationship is mundane than it is to leave in response to an incident. You tend to be more stable in your conviction and therefore more likely to stick to it, which is the least risky course of action.

It is extremely common when in an abusive relationship to think "I will leave if he ever hits me" for example, or change that for whatever gruesome milestone you have in mind. In reality it is extremely hard to leave in response to such a thing. You would think that it would be easier, but somehow it is the opposite! I think this is because you are reliant on the adrenaline and the fear to enact that frightening step - the problem is, as soon as you are away from the imminent danger, the adrenaline and fear goes away and so does your resolve and your brain starts to play tricks on you and tell you it wasn't that bad, there are nice parts too, or even sometimes that didn't really happen the way you remember, or at all. So plenty of women at this point go back and after this every subsequent leave attempt becomes more dangerous as the abuser becomes more and more desperate to regain control.

Children shouldn't be forced to live in an abusive environment. It is deeply damaging.

Look up the Freedom Programme.

If you are insisting on staying with him as the only option, then just tell him '' I have read your options and they are duly noted. Now here are a list of MY options, which we can discuss after the kids are in bed''

Constantly tell him all his opinions and suggestions are ''duly noted'', then write down your own, which you can either give him, or not.

Keep stock phrases like ''well, there we are then....'' , ''that's duly noted'' and ''I understand '' and '' I hear what you're saying'' but never raise your voice or actively argue or try to defend your own point of view, because he's never going to want to understand it. If you do as he does, and simply keep giving him your ideas over, and over, and over again, at some point HE will ''lose it'' and you can say to him '' you're not well mentally are you ? or ''you're SO emotional !''

You can also make a list of exactly what you think a few extra years together will achieve for your DC and what it will likely cost them in terms of the type of relationships they will be able to form with their partners and in their mental health too ( and yours). :(

I think you will find a lot that resonates in Lundy Bancroft’s book. It’s not beneficial for the children to stay, start making plans, this won’t improve

I so get you OP.

You do it by holding on to your sense of self, and by saying to him "I hear that is what you think/feel, but I am standing by my decision/choice"

DO NOT try and get him to see your point of view/change his mind. That puts you into his territory My husband is much better at arguing than I am, which always results in me being the one shouting and him being smug about me "being emotional" or "not well"." -

which he is 100% GUARANTEED to win.

Do not go there, ever. NEVER get into a power struggle because he wins and it is what he wants. He WANTS you to argue and get emotional. Stay detached.

This therapist gets it:

Leaving the room works very well!

You don't stomp out, you NEVER 'show him'. You very calmly go to change a loo roll in the bathroom/get a glass of water/put some stuff away in the bedroom.

But removing yourself is detachment.

The problem is that trying to outwit him, use logic to invalidate his options, not provide him with a reaction etc is simply going to prompt him to ramp things up in order to provoke a reaction from you anyway. And ramping things up is definitely not what you want to achieve.

You are NOT the abusive one in this relationship, he is leading you to believe that you are.

Look up DARVO.

Nasty piece of shit. Unfortunately your children are learning from him that this is how a father treats the mother of his children.
They will end up with no respect for you.
The sooner you get them out of this highly toxic environment, the better.

Have a read up about passive aggressive behaviour. Feeling permanently angry and irritated is a very good indication that he's doing a number on you although he doesn't seem to mind openly recruiting others against. I believe there are techniques to deal with this but to be honest if he won't change this behaviour he will eventually wear you down and you really don't deserve this. Also as other pp have said do you really want your children learning this behaviour. He sounds obnoxious. I feel for you.

Many thanks, it really means a lot to me that I am not just imagining things. I am taking steps and trying to get some outside help as well in this. The comment he believes that you must listen to him, which means unquestioningly accept his views and obey him. really hits home as indeed sometimes, at the end of an argument, he says things like I bring in most money so I deserve this.
What is confusing to me is that on almost all other decisions, I am the one doing the deciding. He has many topics that he doesn´t even want to discuss because he doesn´t know (decisions for the kids, household, even on his own clothes).
The argument we have (which is already lasting for years but has now come to a head) is one in a line of similar arguments. First he wanted a specific type of car that I didn´t agree with (we got it in the end), then he wanted to do a specific expensive hobby (same outcome), a specific investment in the house (same). So I know he has every reason to believe that if he continues the debate he will eventually win again. However, the amount of money involved has gone up every time and I am obviously also understanding better how this dynamic works, so I´m really fighting/hoping to at some point get my choice. Thanks again. I just don´t understand why we always end up here as we could have such a nice life without these arguments.

So you get to decide the boring, wife work decisions but the big stuff like cars, his hobbies and house belongs to him? Him Alpha, you Beta and he uses the grind you down method to get his way like a child when they see the sweetie stand in the supermarket? Not sure how you can get him to see you as his equal partner to be honest.

Do none of your family say anything to him about his behaviour, or is everyone afraid of him?