DH recently getting sarcastic with me over nothing.

[yellowallpaper]

History. Previously married to a very abusive man, lots of gaslighting and coercion and massive verbal outburst with major personal attacks on me. Messed with my head and left me unsure of what's normal and what's not.

Now with lovely man for 8 years (married), settled great marriage, shared childcare and work etc, no issues.

For the past few months DH has suddenly started being very sarcastic over nothing. Eg. Started This conversation, 'you know Mick has a sister, well apparently she worked..... '. I say 'which Mick is this', as he used to have another friend called Mick. Then starts a long speech, 'you know Mick, the one I meet up with every weekend, the one with the long hair, the one you've met several times', and several more comments along the lines, said very sarcastically, and making me look like the stupidest person on the planet for know knowing which person he is talking about. Like I can mind read.

He makes me feel like I'm being incredibly thick and stupid, and like exH used to make me feel. Unsure of myself and humiliated.

So, I am not going to put up with this. I don't know why he's doing it, maybe it's something in me that brings out this in men. I'm not going to allow an escalation like I did before. I'm not tolerating this.

I don't want to end what has been a great supportive marriage, but I need advice on how to nip this in the bud. What can I say next time he does this?

I will at some point sit down and see what's going on in his life, but if my exH is anything to go on, no amount of 'talk' will sink in. I need an instant way of stopping this. Maybe it will be enough.

That's horrible, I'm sorry your previously lovely DH seems to be changing into an unpleasant sarcastic version of the man he used to be :-( . I think sitting him down and asking him what the hell is going on is step 1 - point out that he seems to have under gone a personality change in recent months, that you haven't changed, he has, and if he has a problem with you all of sudden you deserve to know why. Also make damn sure you tell him he is starting to remind you of your ex and he ought to be ashamed. You don't deserve to be belittled by the person who is supposed to love you the most.

Also - and I do genuinely hate to ask - but is that any chance there might be an OW lurking in the background that you don't know about? It's just this behaviour sounds horribly familiar and some men do behave like this when they've had their head turned. I really truly hope it's not that.

How old is your DH?

@RantyAnty He's 45

@Magicpaintbrush I don't think there is an OW although it has crossed my mind. He talks openly about his ex fiancée and they keep in touch, but I don't think there's anything behind it. He hasn't changed his habits, late home, gone to the gym more than usual or bought new clothes, so I just do t know what it's all about.

When he started this morning, I got up and walked away after telling him I'm not putting up with sarcastic nonsense. Maybe he just isn't aware of it?

He is very busy at work and is hands on with the kids etc, so maybe he's overworked. Finances are ok but everything seems to by needing replacement, washing machine, car etc.

Next time it happens, head right upstairs and start packing your shit up. Don't talk, don't explain. He knows exactly what he's doing, he knew the first time.
Unfortunately, forgiving it the first time gave him 'permission' to do it the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time and so on.
You deserve so so much better. It is not you that brings this out in men. It's their nature, nurture, the society we live in constantly reassuring them that they are better than us. They are not. Men like this are insecure little bullies who need to belittle women who love them in order to feel better about their pathetic lives.

I'm glad for you that you recognised it OP. But please remember, abusive men don't need your help or anger management therapy. They need anti-abuse therapy. This isn't something that you are responsible to provide or put up with.

Please don't give him excuses or being overworked etc either. Do you abuse your children and him when you're tired? How about your neighbours or your colleagues?
Do you belittle your kids because you haven't had enough vitamins that week? Do you call him names because of traffic?
Really mull this over please.

The only way to fight is is by being equally juvenile and sarcastic, so he can see how it feels

Eg the next question he asks about anything give a sarcastic reply back no matter how silly it sounds eg are you making dinner? U reply 'no I thought we could wait for Queen Elizabeth to do it' or something just as silly

Repeat this a few times then when he complains, u say 'welcome to my world' and flounce off lol

I would combine to packing and sarcasm

What are you doing?
The fucking cancan! What does it look like!

Maybe midlife crisis bs?
I like the idea of being sarcastic back.

Have you pointed out to him that he's being sarcastic? Have you told him how it makes you feel?

There could just be some extra pressure on him at the moment, giving him a shorter fuse. I know when I'm stressed I get snappy and sarcastic.

This negative characteristic does not make him abusive. Now if you talk to him about it and request that he does something about it and then he continues, maybe that's something to worry about.

COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER.

If this has come on recently and quickly, I'd definitely be looking for an OW somewhere.

Each and every time he does it, take a tip from MN and ask him "Did you mean to be so rude sarcastic?"

What happens when you call him out on it? In the course of 13 years of marriage, dh and I have both pulled each other up at times. And always, once it’s made clear that something is hurtful or crossing a line, it just stops. I’d never intentionally hurt him, or he me.

New patterns of behaviour can come from new people. I have form for picking up on other people’s humour and speech patterns. Sometimes it even happens from binge watching Netflix.

But a change in attitude towards you, is much more serious. And like others I’d be looking for an ow.

How easy is communication?

Could you pick him up on it EVERY time he does it? Say, let me stop you there, you’re being sarcastic again. Or something along those lines.

Do you think he knows he’s doing it?

Sarcasm is my default sometimes but I try not to use it as I know DH doesn’t like it. I usually use it when I’m pissed off.

Just tell him "sarcasm again ?,what a pity ,you do know its the lowest form of wit of course"!

I'm not going to hypothesise about why he's doing it, only he knows but in terms of a response I would go with a stoney cold 'who the fuck do you think you're talking to?' each and every time he starts with the sarcasm.

If he questions what you mean turn it back on him, ask him to think about what he's just said to you and how he said it and whether he would think it was ok for you to speak to him like that. If he refuses to see your point and tries to gaslight you by denying the sarcasm then you know you have a deeper problem and I would start making plans to leave.

8 years is a long time for him to have kept the mask from slipping if he is abusive but I suppose it's not impossible, you should be proud of yourself for recognising the early signs and being determined not to put up with it. Calling the behaviour out gives him a chance to realise what he's doing and rectify it, if he doesn't take his chance you know you have to leave because he's only going to get worse. I hope it's enough to pull him up short, good luck

Ive absolutely no idea if this is the case but sometimes, when men are attracted to another woman/already involved with OW, they re write their own relationship in their heads to somehow subconsciously justify their behaviour , ie poor him having to live with his stupid wife who doesnt get him whereas this new women understands him better.

Whatever the reason tho, absolutely do not stand for it & go for Hidingtonothing's response,

but in terms of a response I would go with a stoney cold 'who the fuck do you think you're talking to?' each and every time he starts with the sarcasm.

Very rare that DH says anything out of place, but I have used 'Who the fuck do you think your talking to?' very loudly.

He replies, 'Don't swear', I say, 'Well don't make me swear'.

Drama over.

Put a stop to this right now OP, it's not acceptable.

I'm following this thread with interest. I've recently left an abusive relationship and there's 100% no doubt that the way he spoke to me was abusive. But what I still haven't got my head around is how to handle it if it happens in future relationships - if things are going ok and he makes a sarcastic comment you don't like, do you really leave the first time? Because I keep reflecting back on my marriage and thinking I never should have let him get away with it the second/third/infinite time... but walking away after the first comment seems so extreme. How/where does one learn how to do an adult relationship after a shitty abusive marriage?

However OP I completely sympathise with you because I suffered many of those sarcastic comments and it's soul destroying.

Needtogetbackinthesack I think you can have hard lines, boundaries without necessarily having to LTB at the first incident. We're all capable of being unreasonable, awkward or just plain wrong and I don't think it's about leaving at the first sign of behaviour you don't like, it's more about recognising patterns of behaviour and knowing where the line is between acceptable, human flaws and abusive traits. It's almost become a cliche on here but have you done the Freedom Programme? Even the online version is well worth doing, teaches you a lot about how to spot signs and feel more confident in your own instincts.

Have you called him out on it and told him how it makes you feel?

I’d say “Are you trying to make yourself feel big or make me feel small?”

Draw his attention to it each and every time he does it. My preferred line is 'you do know sarcasm is very unattractive '.

And that's the end of that conversation as far as I'm concerned.

Ooh that's a good one MashedSpud, I'm stealing that for the next dickhead who tries to mansplain something to me (I'm looking at you DF)

I've done the Freedom program and have no intention ever if putting up with this type of behaviour. I learned from bitter experience that letting things go is opening the door to more abusive behaviour.

I have let most of it go, but this morning was crossing the line. I have form for just putting up with shit for the quiet life, but I won't this time. DH has always been a good husband and I'm sure he hasn't got an OW,but it's just this talking down to me that's a problem.

Maybe walking out of the room this morning has done the trick and he knows I'm upset with it. If so it's sorted, but I am going to be much more aware of this from now on and pull him up immediately, then have a talk with him and tell him it will be over if he starts this behaviour. I know I will not tolerate this for a minute a second time. He will know I'm not joking.