How do I get over him

[veryverycold]

I've been single for a few years now, and recently had a brief 'thing' with a guy who was totally gorgeous, said all the right things, amazing kisser, made me feel really special, fancy him like mad etc
It's very recently dawned on me that I've been played by a player who is not interested in me really, just basically wanted to get me in to bed. Everything that came out of his mouth was actually complete bullshit. No doubt I'm not the only one on his list of conquests either.

I know what I need to do - move on, forget about him, delete his number. get some self respect etc etc.
But I really am struggling with my feelings forgetting about him. How do I do this?
I am not in direct contact but will still bump into him in the future so the reminder is there. I'm feeling quite miserable and heartbroken and stupidly I cannot stop thinking about him.

Do all the things you said. Your feelings follow your actions, it's hard to get over someone when you keep pouring over SM/old texts. Going 'pain shopping' is a sure fire way for your feelings to linger. Once they're gone. Once his number is gone. It starts to happen. Your brain cant keep raking over it. So it just let's go.

@veryverycold I'm in a similar position to you. Have been single for about six months following a bad break up, had a recent thing with someone I've fancied for a while but he basically told me straight off that he's not looking for a relationship and while I thought initially I'd be ok with casual, it's become clear to me that I like him more than that so need to cut it off before I get more hurt. It's someone I'm going to have to see periodically also so I know what you mean about the reminders being there.

I don't have a lot of advice sadly - @supercali77's suggestions are all good ones (I'd never heard of 'pain shopping' but that's a perfect description of what I've been doing as well). I think trying to fill your time with things that make you happy will help - I've been going to the gym, going to exhibitions/events, seeing my friends, spending time with my family etc. I've also invested in a few new bits of clothing so that the times I'm going to see him I'll feel confident and good about myself (I guess this only works if you know when you're likely to see him, but spending a bit of time on pampering yourself anyway could help your self esteem levels).

Annoyingly, the old cliché about time being a healer is true here. As time goes on it will hurt less and we're both likely to meet other people who won't see us as disposable. Keep posting in here if you like, I'm happy to try and be a support as we're both dealing with similar things. It's shit and it hurts, I know

Thanks for your replies @supercali77 and @Tafelberg. Sorry you are going through the same thing @Tafelberg, you are so right to keep your distance and protect yourself if he can't commit.
The thing is at the moment I feel quite angry because he really strongly chased me to start with. I was just minding my own business and only mildly fancied him in passing. Didn't give him much thought really.
Now I feel left high and dry like he has emotionally manipulated me.
While he just goes back to normal no doubt not giving me a second thought.
I really hate him for that.

Time and getting under someone else 😂

@Sparkle567 yeah maybe that's the answer

You're doing all the right things. It will get easier with time, I promise.

It’s a good distraction. Keeps your mind busy and gives you something to focus on.

Thank you @TooManyPlatesInMotion

Feeling so unhappy at the moment i really hope it improves

Maybe I need to get on OLD then @Sparkle567

And I need to stop eating biscuits as way of coping!

Block him on all social media and your phone. Date others. Get on old, set up at least two dates a week, get a rotation of men going until one becomes a front runner. Keep very very busy. Hobbies, social events, singles nights, speed dating. I was heartbroken over a guy, did all the things I mention. Met my husband in 6 months.

@veryverycold yes I totally get that. It seems calculated, almost like it's been a game to him. Unfortunately it sounds like he was just interested in the thrill of the chase and people like that don't tend to think much about the fact they're messing about with another human being's feelings and emotions. If he's that kind of person, then you've dodged a bullet by finding it out early on - but I know how difficult it is to think that way when you really like someone and had hopes things with them would turn into something more long-lasting.

Hold your head up high. As you said, you're very unlikely to be the first or last person he's done/will do this to - it's his issue, not you. Do you think he knows how you felt about him? How were things left the last time you saw him?

@Tafelberg I'm not sure he knows how I feel about him no, I haven't told him. But my instinct tells me he's not bothered so I'm not going there only to be disappointed. If he liked me he would message me. No way am I going to chase someone who is not that into me. Besides I think he's got someone else he's interested in.

The last meeting was left with a casual bye and no discussion about meeting up so that was it for me game over. Need to draw a line under it and move on.

No I didn’t mean you should tell him - I mean if he doesn’t know that you feel as you do, that’s a good thing as at least he’s not treating you like this smug in the knowledge you want more. You can walk away from this with your pride intact. It will take some time for the sting to fade but you’re on the right path already.

You have to let yourself be upset, have a good cry and then get him blocked. I’ve been in exactly your situation, I was promised the earth and was used and tossed aside. I never let him know he’d hurt me though. I cried (a lot) sat staring at my phone for days, and then just got angry and blocked on him. A few days later I was strong enough to delete his number, still hoping he would get in touch. He never did. Gradually it starts to hurt less until you realise you don’t care. I’ve seen him in passing a few times, never spoken to him, and while I’m still angry and hurt I don’t have feelings for him.

Thank you @Tafelberg and @Chinks123
Yes I guess it's time that will help so will have to be patient!
The only thing I worry about is when I see him at certain occasions which can't be avoided in any way.
I'm going to have to interact normally with him while still trying to get over him and stop getting back the old feelings.

And yes @Tafelberg at least I haven't told him how I feel although he has probably picked up on the vibes I give off.

@veryverycold Do you have to interact with him? I won’t lie I would find that difficult in the early days. I saw him walking past (he didn’t spot me) a few weeks after and just that made me do that panicked dizzy bright red in the face thing. I sort of wish I could have seen him face to face though and act aloof and unbothered.
You’ll be fine honestly, I have a new dp and two children, and looking back he really wasn’t all that.

@Chinks123 yes I will have to, due to the nature of the events. I could keep my distance to an extent though. The problem is I am extremely attracted to him still, I really fancy him and it will probably show

Also I really miss him

Sorry you had to go through the same thing too, it's so hard isn't it. I'm at a stage where I cannot imagine this getting any better but you've given me some hope. I'm pleased it worked out for you in the end

I can tell you this , you will get over this. You need time , a new crush and to work on you. You probably won’t even fancy him in a few months. say this as someone who was besotted with a guy who didn't want me after sex, now I’ve mostly moved on but at the time it was agony.

@Chinks123 the same thing happened to me. I have seen the guy in passing but I’m mostly over it now. God I used to really be so attracted to him now .... ewwww.

Thank you @Pretty112 you've also given me hope! I'm definitely in the stage still where it feels like agony but I guess I just need to accept this and live with the feelings until hopefully one day it will fade. Not easy though.
Sorry you had to go through the same thing too, but great you got over him.

Its really made me realise that there are a lot of men out there who really will say anything just to get a woman into bed including lies/bullshit and tugging on heart strings

@Pretty112 I’d say I’m over it too but it really does take a long time to get over being used like that. He was on my mind for a really long time until I realised he probably wasn’t thinking about me. Then I’d spot him in the street and start all over again!

@veryverycold it was a sad lesson to learn that he’d just said what I wanted to hear and I fell for it. I was completely in love with him and felt such an idiot. It will feel like agony and I know what it’s like to really miss them, but he’s not who you thought he was. Honestly I can’t believe I even fancied mine now, saw him in Aldi the other day and he’s going bald now and his dp has binned him. Karma

@Chinks123 that's really good that you can now bump into him now and not feel anything. And yes Karma indeed! Did you find also that it was difficult to focus on everyday stuff sometimes and you were quite absent minded? I'm hoping that doesn't last long even if it takes ages to forget about him.

The problem is I keep reminiscing even though I know it's all lies. Despite everything I've said, if the opportunity arose now to just kiss him or something I would definitely do it. Where is the logic in that.

@veryverycold he’s never spotted me though..well not to my knowledge. I would dread having to actually be in the same room because I haven’t spoken to him since and it’s been years.

I found it really difficult to focus on anything. It sounds so dramatic but I stopped going to uni, I was just moping around hoping he’d call me and going over and over every little thing he’d said and whether he’d been lying the whole time or he’d actually had feelings. I’d convinced myself he must love me, because I’d felt it when he told me. If he’d messaged me even up till a year after I would have run back to him