NC Mother and disinheritance

[KittyVonCatsworth]

Morning everyone. My mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly 3 months ago. We'd been NC/LC for 6 years due to a couple of factors, mostly centred around her husband (not my father). I saw her before she died, she was kept alive by machines so not responsive but said my goodbyes and went to the funeral.

She had, what I would class as a reasonable estate, approx £100k in money, jewelry, car, house (which her husband and my GM still live in). I don't know the contents of the will but I'm led to believe my brother and his children were left a portion of the house and each received money. My DD got left her jewelry (approx £2k), I believe I was left nothing. Initially I was ok with this as my moral compass thought that we'd been N/LC so ok. I don't actually know if a will was made as the details from her husband are sketchy to say the least.

I'm not sure if it's just a stage of grief or anger directed towards her, her husband and my brother but now I'm thinking "screw you" and contemplating contesting the will. She lived in Scotland and I think the law says you can't disinherit children but I don't know more than that.

My brother has always struggled with money and I've bailed him out so many times. Now he has this money I haven't heard from him despite making contact. Her husband is just a greedy, grabby, self centred man and I just can't stand him. The funeral was as basic and as cheap as it could be and when he spoke at the funeral (the only one to do so) there was no mention of my brother, my DG, her grandkids and it was all about him and he even managed to get his political views in to it.

I think what I'm trying to do is rationalise my thoughts. I'm angry. Towards him, to my mother, to my brother and I'm feeling a bit aggrieved. Most of me is saying if I contest this it's going to be driven by spite. If I do, there's no relationships to be broken as they're already broken. So why shouldn't I? I've been there for my brother, I tried to reconcile the relationship with my mother, never with her husband but I did try and reach out to her on occasions. This isn't about the money really but I do feel pissed off that my brother, who doesn't work, is swanning about, gloating when I saw him at Christmas and just pissing it away. I feel pissed off that her husband gave her car to his daughter (not hers) and bought himself a top of the range car. I'm pissed off that brothers kids get a share in the house and cash and my DD is not treated equally.

I'm angry at so much. I don't know if this is a stage of grief and if I contest I'd regret it and if this anger will ever go if I don't. I'm so confused, which is frustrating because I stupidly thought I'd got over her death unscathed. Maybe it's not guilt, maybe I'm just not the nicest of people.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I suppose, WWYD or similar stories.

I recently found out that my Mum has rewritten her will so that her estate when she dies will go to her friend who will be responsible for caring for her dogs (she has about 12 dogs).

It really doesn't bother me at all, to be fair, your parents don't owe you anything when they die.

I am also very LC with my Mum, we have always been a very distant family, she can do what she wants with her money, it's not mine, it's hers. I do understand the hurt though and it sucks when your parents are not who you hoped them to be.

I’m NC with my mum, I wouldn’t accept a single penny from her ever.

It’s her money not yours, she can do as she pleases with it. Personally I find grabby and greedy when NC family members decide they want their deceased family members money.

I'm also NC with my mother. I want nothing from her.

Yeah, I think my initial sentiment on this was the right one. I didn't want or expect anything from the start so I'll go with my gut on this and let things go. StoppinBy, I think you nailed it really, she just wasn't what I expected or needed her to be. I hope you find your peace with it ❤️

I'm bearing in mind that the laws of Scotland and England are different but hopefully not in this regard, in that you can get a copy of her will without having to go to her husband for the details. A quick google should set you on the right path. It costs a few quid but that's all. You will then see her wishes set out in writing and can take it from there. I do understand how you're feeling about this but I think that's one of the hardest things about going low or no contact with a parent ....it's hard to know how you're going to feel once they're gone. Had she left you anything, you might well have felt overwhelmed with guilt instead.

There was another thread on here by someone who was thinking of contesting the will as her mother had left everything to a sibling and nothing to her .I think it is quite difficult and expensive process with no guarantee of winning .I think what you are feeling is a stage of grief probably over the relationship you "should" have had with your DM.I was under the impression you could see a will ,not sure .As you say if you were NC when she was alive ,then maybe try to let it go if you can .

It was unrealistic of you to expect your mother to respond to your "reaching out" gestures when they didn't include her husband and it was obvious that you hated him. Rightly or wrongly she chose, as an adult, to make him her partner.

I expect she thought you wouldn't want anything from her in the will as you had been almost no contact with for 6 years. She probably thought you wouldn't want to be seen as hypocrotical.

And you're quite right - the way you speak about your brother and his inheritance does just sound like resentment/jealousy and it would be very undignified for you to contest the will motivated by that.

I understand where you're coming from. It's not the money it's the rejection. If you see her will and she left you some money then it will be a fact that at some point she thought and perhaps cared for you.
But if you weren't in the will do you really want to know for a fact that once again you were rejected?
It's a horrible situation.
You went nc for a reason and perhaps you should focus on why and how much better your life is without these people in it.

I’d think carefully about if this will help you “heal” or if it will just prolong it. It doesn’t sound like it’s actually about the money or that getting the money would make you happy. I think there’s a real risk that pursuing this will make you more unhappy and fuel your anger rather than resolve it.

I’m sorry your mum didn’t give you the love you deserve when she was alive

I think (could be wrong, I’m not aware of Scottish law) that as she was married, everything she owned would automatically go to her husband if your mum hadn’t had a will. So I’m not sure that contesting the will would be a good idea. If your mum wasn’t married and she left everything to your brother then fair enough, you might contest that. But as it stands I’m it sure there’s a case.

I'm a firm believer in "her money, her choice".

More than that though I think you really need to think this through for your own peace of mind. This will drag on and on and cost a lot of money without any guarantee of success for you. Whilst it's ongoing it will take up a lot of brain space and bring up old memories which may be upsetting for you and prolong your anger and upset.

If you are living in relative comfort and can manage day to day then I would really recommend having a long hard think about whether to do this.

Good luck with whatever you decide

I do agree with your initial feeling. I don't think you should be automatically entitled to anything and you were NC with her for a long time.

It's what she chose to do with her money and I think you need to respect that.

I’ve not see my dad in 30 years ,his choice not mine ,he’s never met his 4 adult grandchildren..never occurred to me he would leave me some money .hes got plenty as well...ah op it’s just money ,these loons your mum has left it to will have it spent in no time .

You are entitled to a 1/3 share. ( I think PLEASE don’t take that as the truth though).
Seek legal advice.

As far as I'm aware in Scotland you can't disinherited a child from moveable estate, ie things, and savings. Property is not included in this rule and can be left solely to a particular person, husband.
I have no legal background, but have seen this happen first hand. When someone I knew left less than the legal minimum amount to an estranged child, a heavy drug user.In his defence the deceased knew what a large amount of cash would be used by the recipient therefore wrote the will despite knowing the rule. Eventually it was challenged , by another sibling and had to be adjusted.

You can’t go NC and then contest a will

In Scotland if a will is left all of the children are entitled to one third of the moveables (ie property which is not land and buildings) between them. However if there is no will, a certain amount of the estate will go to the spouse before the children’s rights. In the case of your mothers estate the spouses rights would cover the whole estate.

Therefore you may not be entitled to anything and it won’t be a huge amount in any event. But no harm in getting specific legal advice and asking the family about the details so you can work out if you are entitled to anything.

I am NC with my mum, I know won’t get and wouldn’t accept a penny from her under any circumstances, awful woman that I am pleased is no longer in my life.

I can totally understand the way you feel and it seems reasonable to me. Because this is just the continuation of ill-treatment by other means. You didn't have the family you deserved, they treated you badly enough to make you go NC or LC with them, you made efforts and they didn't.

Now you have been disinherited. On one level this is exactly what you would have expected from them (and it might well have happened even if you hadn't been NC). On another level, it's yet another piece of unfairness and another sign that they didn't/don't value you, and it may be even harder to deal with because it's from "beyond the grave" (as far as your mother is concerned) and so there is no room for any response from you to her, or any better relationship with her in the future.

Your feelings sound very natural, but what you do about them is a different question. You may have some legal right to money of stuff from her estate under Scottish law (I have no idea), but in practical terms it will probably not come to much if you have to pay legal fees to get it. More importantly, it would mean you giving time and headspace to your toxic family when you could be taking this opportunity to cut them out of your life altogether. It sounds like that would be cheap at the price. I would also seek psychotherapy if you still feel you are bothered a lot about all this - it is normal to be bothered about this shit and it may help to talk it out a bit IRL.

As the others said you were NC it wouldn't seem right to suddenly contest the will after so many years of nc.

I can understand why it would hurt in this situation where even though you haven’t expected anything your brother still has inherited and that will bring up feelings

You went NC for a reason and she’s proved you were right in doing so in her last dying wish. Be glad you were NC with her is all I can suggest

I agree with Nemophilist .

It shows what kind of person she was, and it shows what kind of person her husband is (as if you didn't know!) and your brother as well.

I have great sympathy for you OP, nobody goes NC with their mother lightly.
Losing your mum, even if she wasn't a great mother, can be very tough.

Put yourself first and think hard as to which course of action is best for you here. It may help to talk with a grief counsellor.

I disagree with PP saying that as you were NC you should just walk away because "her money her choice" rhetoric.

You were legally her daughter and therefore she should have treated you equally to her other offspring.

I'm not sure about Scotland but my understanding in England is that if you

you are a child of the deceased a claim MUST be brought within 6 months of the Grant of Probate. So if you decide to contest it might be worth taking this into account.

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad would you say the same if she left OP £10,000 and the brother £150,000. I know somebody who did similar because the solicitor told them no judge would aware the contesting child any more money, whereas if they didn't leave that child anything the judge would be much more likely to award an equal split between all siblings.

Why do you think you should automatically be entitled to money from somebody you've chosen to have nothing to do with?

Bear in mind, too, that if OP contests the brother could then contest the jewellery left to DD and could say he wants half of that.