NC Mother and disinheritance

[KittyVonCatsworth]

Morning everyone. My mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly 3 months ago. We'd been NC/LC for 6 years due to a couple of factors, mostly centred around her husband (not my father). I saw her before she died, she was kept alive by machines so not responsive but said my goodbyes and went to the funeral.

She had, what I would class as a reasonable estate, approx £100k in money, jewelry, car, house (which her husband and my GM still live in). I don't know the contents of the will but I'm led to believe my brother and his children were left a portion of the house and each received money. My DD got left her jewelry (approx £2k), I believe I was left nothing. Initially I was ok with this as my moral compass thought that we'd been N/LC so ok. I don't actually know if a will was made as the details from her husband are sketchy to say the least.

I'm not sure if it's just a stage of grief or anger directed towards her, her husband and my brother but now I'm thinking "screw you" and contemplating contesting the will. She lived in Scotland and I think the law says you can't disinherit children but I don't know more than that.

My brother has always struggled with money and I've bailed him out so many times. Now he has this money I haven't heard from him despite making contact. Her husband is just a greedy, grabby, self centred man and I just can't stand him. The funeral was as basic and as cheap as it could be and when he spoke at the funeral (the only one to do so) there was no mention of my brother, my DG, her grandkids and it was all about him and he even managed to get his political views in to it.

I think what I'm trying to do is rationalise my thoughts. I'm angry. Towards him, to my mother, to my brother and I'm feeling a bit aggrieved. Most of me is saying if I contest this it's going to be driven by spite. If I do, there's no relationships to be broken as they're already broken. So why shouldn't I? I've been there for my brother, I tried to reconcile the relationship with my mother, never with her husband but I did try and reach out to her on occasions. This isn't about the money really but I do feel pissed off that my brother, who doesn't work, is swanning about, gloating when I saw him at Christmas and just pissing it away. I feel pissed off that her husband gave her car to his daughter (not hers) and bought himself a top of the range car. I'm pissed off that brothers kids get a share in the house and cash and my DD is not treated equally.

I'm angry at so much. I don't know if this is a stage of grief and if I contest I'd regret it and if this anger will ever go if I don't. I'm so confused, which is frustrating because I stupidly thought I'd got over her death unscathed. Maybe it's not guilt, maybe I'm just not the nicest of people.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I suppose, WWYD or similar stories.

would you say the same if she left OP £10,000 and the brother £150,000

Yes I would in both cases advise her to take legal advice. I'm not a lawyer so don't know about the nuances of inheritance law but my point is to act from a legal perspective rather than an emotional one.

www.turcanconnell.com/legal/wills-estate-planning-and-succession/legal-rights-in-scotland/

OP, I would be speaking to a solicitor about obtaining a copy of the will. You and your siblings are entitled to 1/3 of her moveable estate between you, shared equally. Your step father is entitled to 1/3. The rest can be shared according to her will.

I don't think this is about money, it's about adjusting to the view of you that your mother held as not being worth as much as your sibling.

Don't contest, OP. It would be lengthy and expensive and cause you more stress. Your DB will piss the money away and then you can take great pleasure when he comes back to you for more, in saying 'well, you had all that money from DM, so I don't have to give you a penny more'.

Be dignified, be silent on the matter.

First of all I’m sorry for your loss, it’s often a complicated grief when your relationship is as yours was.
Going NC is usually to protect yourself against someone’s poor behaviour towards you, and the advice is never to do it as an act of revenge. Your DM has punished you as her parting act, which must make it very painful. Although if she’d treated you fairly would you be struggling with guilt now, wondering if you’d got it all wrong?

She’s confirmed to you that she was vindictive, and that’s painful. We all want to be loved.

I’d see if you can work through some of the feelings you’re having, maybe with a grief councillor, maybe CRUSE can help you.

Be logical.
Get a copy of the will. Decide what to do next. You need for your own peace of mind to make sure it was done correctly.

It wouldn't hurt to see the will and you can get a copy. Assuming the will doesn't include you then you need to drop it. Why on earth should she leave anything to a child who has gone NC with her for years?

It's like a final kick in the teeth really. On top of all the favoritism and bullshit you had to put up with, your brother is now merrily spanking away what was presumably some very hard earned money that he did not lift a finger for. That is really hard. Much harder than someone just being an arsehole over everyday things.

Wise words from PPs about this keeping the grief and rage alive, and prolonging contact and headspace with the toxic people and memories.

It is a bitter pill for sure and I think the most important thing is to focus on yourself. What you probably really want and never got from your family is to be seen, heard, respected. They are never going to do that. You have to get those needs met elsewhere.

Counselling has never worked for me but becoming a Christian and actively praying has.

If you did contest the will it would not be wrong OP, there is no shame in it either way. Just think what would be best for you in the short and long term. None of us know the future but we make the best decisions we can at the time.

My Godparents spent all their savings and mortgaged their house to contest her mother's will. My Godmother is now in a rented flat, living on a basic pension, because they lost the case. The stress she suffered was horrendous. It wasn't worth it.

I don’t agree with people contesting wills.

It was never your money. It was your mums and your mum wished to leave you nothing, not surprising as you had NC for 6 years before she died so I don’t understand why now you feel like you deserve some of her cash.

This has all the potential to be a Jarndyce V Jarndyce, where the lawyers end up blowing the estate on their legal fees.
There are so many beneficiaries. Her spouse, her two children her various grandchildren. Because you were NC for 6 years your case won't be strong.
The only people who would benefit from this fight would be the lawyers.

there are two matters here, legally you may be able to contest the will, but this may cost all parties quite a lot of time and money and in the end you may not get as much as you want. It maybe wise to maybe speak to your SD and DB and advise them and see if you can come to an amicable agreement.
the second matter and assuming you choose one of the routes above, is the fallout. I would take a very dim view, if one of my siblings came along demanding an equal share after being NC/LC for 6 years.
This will not only effect you but your DD too.
You will be viewed as a money grabbing person and to be fair it does sound like that is what you are I mean he has lost his life partner and you are having a go at him for not mentioning you in the church.

It was never your money. It was your mums and your mum wished to leave you nothing, not surprising as you had NC for 6 years before she died so I don’t understand why now you feel like you deserve some of her cash.

^I agree. OP mothers made her decision and that it that.

If the posters are correct about the way Scottish law works. and the estate was only worth £100k including a property, then the amount that you would be entitled too is likely very small (one half of one third of the moveable estate). You say your daughter received jewellery amounting to around £2k. This may well be as much as your entitlement would have been (this would assume she'd left approx £12k worth of cash and assets in addition to the house). Would it help put your mind at ease to think that perhaps your DD received "your" portion, that your Mum still passed it down your family line? She didn't cut your side of the family out completely.

Realistically I would think that the cost, financial and emotional, of contesting the will is going to be far greater than what you could possibly stand to gain. I would see it as the inevitable consequence of your choice to go LC/NC. I'd leave it.

Why do you feel entitled to the money of someone you had nothing to do with while they were alive?

You have a right to know what the Will actually says, so maybe start there?

People saying you should get nothing because of being no contact almost certainly have no idea of the pain that goes with estrangement. Disinheriting someone is a terrible thing to do.

Definitely get a copy of the Will, she may not have disinherited you at all.

Take legal advice. Contest it if you can.
I understand favouritism in families. My mother has recently tried to get my dad to change their will to disclude me and dc under the guise of I'm the wealthy one but I'm very Lc after suffering years of emotional abuse . My dad wouldn't but he is frail and won't outlive her I don't think, so I'm expecting nothing. I don't need the money but it still hurts.

The first thing I would do is get a copy of the will. I was NC with my Grandparents and they put a paragraph in their will stating that under no circumstances was I or any of my descendants to inherit anything from their estate. Maybe your Mother put something about you in her will?

Pursuing this will cause more upset for you. I am LC with my father and my sister is NC. He has remarried. I expect nothing but will be hurt by it. Obvious to say but it's not just the rejection by your mother here is it? Your brother who you've helped out could have said we're in this together and I'll share some of my good fortune with you.

If I were you, I would take things slowly. Get a copy of the will once probate has been settled just to make sure it was applied properly. Perhaps let your step father and brother know that you do potentially have a legal claim just to rattle them and walk away from the mess with your head held high.

I expect to be somewhere similar to you in a fewyears time OP. My heart goes out to you.

I'm lashing out I think. This has nothing to do with the money..I'm comfortable enough, don't earn a fortune but I earn. At least I can happily say that everything I have I've made it on my own.

I accept that I'm being spiteful, and yes, resentful towards it all. I'm just going to be like Elsa on this and find a way of letting that anger go. I feel fucking aggreived though but I get I'm allowed to feel like that; what I do with it is up to me. I'm just leaving it as is.

Thanks to you all for your opinions, it really has clarified in my head especially to the posters that said that if I'd been left something I may have felt even worse. I am being a dick, I never wanted anything and I still don't. What I wanted died 6 years ago with the final "fuck you" 3 months ago.

Thanks again.

In Scotland, you don't have to contest the will. As her child, you are entitled to a share of her moveable estate - no contesting required. The solicitor handling the grant of confirmation (probate in Scotland) should have made contact with you to inform you of this. Find out who the solictor is and let them know you exist and they will inform you of your entitlement, which you can then claim. No 'contesting' required.

How do you know you haven't received anything? Get a copy of the will for clarification...
I was nc with a relative due to her being a self centred bitch. No real falling out as such.
She left me and dc cash.
Despite hearing I was banned from the funeral etc. All hearsay.

My friend's mother tried to 'disinherit' her - after her death the solicitor got in touch to ask if she wished to claim her legal entitlement. Which she did - why shouldn't she?

OP - you are entitled to this and you have a number of years to make the claim - I can't remember how many off the top of my head. But it is your legal entitlement, so why shouldn't you?

First of all find out if she made a will, you can do that online and receive a copy to download which is not expensive.

I know you are in Scotland, but having worked for many years in the Chancery Division of the High Court, I would say do not even consider contesting a will unless you have bottomless pockets. I have witnessed cases where the vast part of estates are eaten up in legal fees (rightfully so their fees are earned)
Even if you were to win the person(s) you are up against might not be able to pay your fees so you might end up never getting them paid, and that would involve further legal action.
My advice, don't even consider it!