Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I sense check?

38 replies

Shinylamp · 21/01/2020 09:53

My ex is going to have our daughter 5 days out of 14 and he’s going to pay the recommended child maintenance so all good.

However, he’s expecting me to pay for all her clothes and some toys and books for his house as he’s paying me the maintenance.

Is this the normal way of doing things?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/01/2020 09:55

There is no normal. Everyone is different.

Is he paying maintenance like you have them full time?

yellowallpaper · 21/01/2020 10:02

Surely she can take clothes with her when she goes to his and keep a few toys and books at his house? Is he asking you to send bed linen too? He seems a bit unreasonable.

StLucia4 · 21/01/2020 10:06

It’s the norm for some. Mine rarely bought the kids anything other than Birthdays/Xmas but he was good at taking them out.
If he’s paying full child maintenance I see no reason why you’d expect him to buy her anything other than a treat and presents at appropriate time.

Original poster
Shinylamp · 21/01/2020 10:11

He’s paying the recommended child maintenance for having her 2-3 days a week. So less than if he never had her obviously.

@yellowwallpaper We don’t want her to have to pack every bag every time she goes we want it to be a second home for her

OP posts:
RLEOM · 21/01/2020 10:27

No, my daughter's dad buys all his own toys and clothes. However, my friend always packs clothes for her son and the dad buys his own toys.

LemonTT · 21/01/2020 10:29

I assume she currently has all of this stuff. And if she is like most (not all) people living in the west she has it in excess. Split it out and then build from there. It is a bit petty on his part but hopefully he is just making a point and is maybe concerned about the initial up front costs.

Technically he doesn’t need to contribute. You can only be the type of parent you want to be and try to influence how he is.

Original poster
Shinylamp · 21/01/2020 10:37

Yes, she has more than enough to split now and that’s not a problem, but we’re trying to work out who buys the clothes going forward. He’s not trying to avoid paying but neither of understand what’s meant to happen

OP posts:
StVincent · 21/01/2020 10:41

Disclaimer: I know nothing about these arrangements. But from a fairness point of view he pays less because you’re splitting where she lives between you. Having a child living with you means paying for that child IMO so he ought to pay not just for 2/3 of out 7 worth of meals (while she’s at his) but 2 or 3 out of 7 worth of everything kids need including clothes and books etc. She’s living with you both not living with you but “staying” with him.

OhLook · 21/01/2020 10:45

The thing with toys is that they generally have their favourites of the moment and don't want to leave them somewhere when they are.

I dont get the separate clothes at separate houses. Would you make her take them off before she leaves? I don't see how it would work.

Notthebloodygym · 21/01/2020 10:48

Keep a set or two of spares at her house for emergencies and get her to transport the rest between you. I agree that they have toys they like now, but it wouldn't harm to keep a few things there which are her daily favourites. It saves bad feeling.

He is being petty though.

Sparkle567 · 21/01/2020 10:48

He pays for clothes and toys at his and you pay for it at yours ... buy a few cheaper items that go between the houses

yellowallpaper · 21/01/2020 10:51

Also don't see the how having other clothes at the exH house would work? Would she have a wide variety to choose from or just a small number so would be limited to what she could wear? Take the, off as she leaves so he can wash them? If she packs a small bag then she can choose what she wants to wear rather than be limited by what's at dads house. Certainly have a set of toys she can play with there. Hopefully he would be taking her our and abut and doing more fun things when she lives with him.

TheReef · 21/01/2020 10:51

No. When I split with my ex he took a few toys to his house, to start off with but I kept the lions share as they are with me most of the time, but the over time they accumulated their own toys from Xmas and birthdays that stay at his house. As for clothes, I gave him a few odds and sods to start with but after that he bought them clothes to wear at his. They do get mixed up as I refuse to have them have to get undressed when they get home from his.

Cm is to ensure you can keep a roof over their heads, electricity, food etc and clothes. But by clothes it means they are warm, not amounts for both houses

mindutopia · 21/01/2020 11:01

Surely the best thing is for him to build up his own supply of these things paid for himself, and when she wants she can bring things between houses as needed (a favourite toy, coat, etc).

Otherwise she is treated like a house guest always packing a bag and not a child who lives with her parent. Also means the work of buying, repairing, washing and re-packing always falls on you, which isn’t fair:

OhLook · 21/01/2020 11:01

School uniform would be a massive faff also.

OhLook · 21/01/2020 11:03

But it would be very disruptive and probably upsetting for a child to ask them to change clothes when they got in or were leaving.

3rdchristmaslucky · 21/01/2020 11:07

He should buy the items that will be exclusively for his home.
You buy the ones for yours.

The maintenance he pays help with uniform, haircuts, trips etc.

Sunflowersok · 21/01/2020 11:35

Will you pay for his shopping for Dd at his too Op? Is he expecting that? He should be providing for her at his home, that’s his responsibility

Original poster
Shinylamp · 21/01/2020 11:59

Of course we won’t ask her to take her clothes off! Neither of us are going to be militant and clothes will float in between. We’re just working out the best way of doing things which I don’t think that involves a four year old packing a bag twice a week when she goes to her Dads. I work too and wouldn’t have the time for that either!

Perhaps as she’s with me 2/3 of the time I should pay for 2/3 of her clothes

OP posts:
GeraldineFangedVagine · 21/01/2020 12:03

My ex pays me less than the recommended amount and has them a few weekends and some afternoons/evenings when I’m in a bind. He did move quite a way to be near them though when I moved and tries really hard to help me when I’m stuck. He gets them nice things and would help me if I needed it, so I think it’s ok. I’d rather have a good relationship with him and the kids have a good time with their dad and grow up seeing a positive adult relationship between us than the full amount of money but none of those other things. It’s compromise I suppose.

GeraldineFangedVagine · 21/01/2020 12:04

I meant to say I send them with all their clothes and he sends the clothes back to be washed. Irritating but he was the same when we lived together.

crustycrab · 21/01/2020 12:28

You don't have time to pack an overnight bag? It's the easiest way and doesn't take any time at all.

Her clothes shouldn't be costing you much. School uniform, shoes and coat split the cost and everything else just buy as an when she needs it

FetchezLaVache · 21/01/2020 12:38

Surely it depends on how much money he pays you? I don't know about these things myself as my ex and I just play it by ear, but my understanding is that maintenance is just a proportion of the NRP's income and not actually the sum of money the child(ren) need(s) to live. So you can't assume that you can actually afford to be paying for stuff for his house out of your maintenance.

My arsehole brother, for instance, pays my lovely ex DSIL the princely sum of £200 per month for the care of their two teenage boys, which obviously doesn't even cover what they eat let alone anything else! But then my brother is a complete arsehole.

category12 · 21/01/2020 12:40

When she's with him, he pays for what she needs. He pays you some child support for the extra time she's with you. You pay for her needs while she's with you. That's why of residency was 50/50 neither of you would pay anything to the other. (So of 14 days, you both have 5 and he's effectively paying child support for the 4 extra.)

I'd split things between homes to a certain extent, but he needs to cover what she needs at his place ongoing.

TippledPink · 21/01/2020 12:46

He pays a reduced amount compared to full maintenance to account for the days she is with him, with the understanding he is paying for those things whilst she is there. That's how maintenance works.
My youngest goes to her dad's Sundays and Thursday evenings. She packs her school uniform to take on Sundays and he returns her clothes on Monday morning. I think she has a few bits there but not lots.

My oldest two would always end up with loads of their clothes from my house at their dads where he wouldn't return them, I would think they needed more clothes, buy them then get a massive pile back in one go! So annoying.