Can I sense check?

[Shinylamp]

My ex is going to have our daughter 5 days out of 14 and he’s going to pay the recommended child maintenance so all good.

However, he’s expecting me to pay for all her clothes and some toys and books for his house as he’s paying me the maintenance.

Is this the normal way of doing things?

If she wears the clothes back you will have to pack them up to give them back though so which is surely the same as packing an overnight bag?

My ex has tooth and hair brushes there. I just put clothes in a bag for her. He washes things if he happens to be putting a wash on but not always. I wouldn't expect him to put on a white wash on for just one school shirt if she went on a Friday from school for example.

I am not packing an overnight bag 2-3 times a week for the next 10 years. I don’t want her to feel like she’s living out of a bag there, it’s her home too. All the advice I read was not to do this

Well if you don't pack anything, all the clothes you buy her will end up at his and whatever is at his will end up at yours. As long as you are happy with that then that's fine. Inevitably children do choose to take some stuff to and from their parents homes, but it doesn't have to be everything.

He needs to have a supply of clothes and toys there provided by him but if he is being funny about buying these, I guarantee he will expect you to send back anything she is wearing/any toys that he has bought.

It sounds very complicated what you are proposing. She has to move between houses 3 times per week? That's 2 nights max in the same bed in a row.

You asked what is "normal". Taking a bag with clothes in is "normal".

@shinylamp I agree that his maintenance payment will be reduced accordingly because she is at his overnight for 5 days.

if u would usually buy eg 14 t shirts to do her, why dont u now buy 9 to do her the days shes at urs and he buys 5. then they will naturally move between houses. that just a rough example.

My ex pays maintenance according to the number of days he and I have the kids which is obviously less than if I had the kids full time. We each buy clothes for our own houses and always send back what clothes the kids have come home in to the other one. Seems to work well. Only exception is shoes, coats etc which I always seem to end up buying but as far as I’m concerned belong to the kids so don’t make a fuss about them using them at their dad’s.
They have a favourite bed time toy each which I always pack for them and always comes back again. It all seems to run pretty smoothly.

His maintenance would be more if she was with you full time. I thought maintenance was for the essential costs of raising a child- childcare, food, clothing. He doesnt pay full maintenance because she isn't with you full time, because the expectation is that he spends the money saved on her when she is staying with him. So yes if she is with you 2/3 of the time I'd expect him to pay 1/3 of the clothes, or you could come to an agreement that he doesnt buy day to day stuff but contributes half her uniform or something

Is there a reason why you're switching her back and forth between houses so much in one week? That sounds much more unsettling than putting a couple of outfits in a bag.

Hi OP.

As someone else has said if you don’t want to pack bags regularly your ex will need his own supply of clothing, books and toys. But I do understand what you say about making sure your child feels like they have two homes and are not a “visitor”

My ex has been having my three for over 10 years. However it is set at every other weekend so more manageable. Initially I was responsible for packing a case/bag for all three of them and they came home with a lovely case/bag full of dirty clothes on the Sunday night . He then began to keep a lot of the clothes and send them back in the outfit they went in so it was only me buying stuff for them all the time that’s when I brought it up and he reluctantly agreed to purchase their own stuff for when they were at his house (and if his family/friend bought them stuff he kept them with him). This has worked better as they have got older and some items swap to other houses but it’s not a problem. But usually they travel there in an outfit from home and change into it before they return on the Sunday night (he does at least wash the clothes/underwear now that they come back in)

Hope this helps and good luck

Thanks very much for the real life examples it’s really helpful to see how it works in real life. It’s test and learn I guess!

The reason child support reduces the more time you look after the child is because it is expected that the parent looking after the child will provide for the child's needs during their time inclu toys and clothes. That's the expectation and the right thing to do. Split what she has currently and going forward you each provide what she needs at your own houses. Of course if one parent doesn't provide clothes and toys at their house the more reasonable and responsible parent may find themselves providing for the child's needs at both houses. But this is not what's intended or expected. After initial split of her belongings he should provide what she needs at his house.

My 3yo daughter goes to my ex 4 out of 14 nights and she has her own clothes and toys at her dads. Items do obv find their way into the other house and we just wash and give back to each other every few weeks, clothes and toys get mixed up but we are quite chilled about it. Can't be doing with packing bags every time. I buy most of her shoes though and she has far more clothes at home with me.

She does come home in some questionable outfits though 😂