I'm being selfish and I need to stop

[ElizabethinherGermanGarden]

My BF deals with difficult feelings really quite badly - he withdraws and goes very quiet when he's upset, to the point where he will 'freeze': he folds his arms in tight and closes his eyes to shut out the world.

It feels like being given the silent treatment by someone in a huff, but it isn't that; he genuinely doesn't seem to be able to help it and he only does it when he's really upset.

I find it really hard to deal with when he's like this (it doesn't happen often) and I can get very upset about being shut out - it really feels like rejection to me.

However, I've had a good think and realised that although I don't like his way of dealing with emotions, I can't go on making it all about me and getting upset - it means that I'm not being supportive when there are real things that he's upset about and that he gets completely overloaded by the double whammy of the thing he was upset about in the first place and my being upset about the way he deals with it. It makes him feel as if he can't do anything right and is useless.

I meant to ask: can anyone give any advice or practical strategies for getting past my own emotional response to the behaviour so I can help with the actual issue in hand? When I feel it starting to build up, what can I do?

His daughter is not well and he needs all of his available emotional reserves to look after her and I need to support him and stop being a dick. We'll have to deal with his stuff later.

What does he say about it in normal times? Does he recognise it's a problematic behaviour in a relationship?

Why do you think it's about you learning to handle his behaviour? What about him seeking therapy to address it?

In the short term, it is about me learning to deal - there's too much else going on to try to address his behaviour at the moment. I can wait for that.

In an ideal world, I'd love him to have therapy to learn to deal with emotion more healthily - not sure he ever will though.

Does he recognise what he's doing is unhealthy, tho? Does he apologise and try to do better?

Whatever he may be going through, it's not OK to treat you poorly. The silent treatment is an emotionally abusive behaviour, and the intention is irrelevant, it's still harmful to you.

And you learning to disengage emotionally isn't going to be good for the relationship.

I agree with that - I don't want to disengage emotionally. Is there a way to bump up the empathy and squish the insecurity? I'm wondering whether some CBT type techniques might be useful.

One of the most important things you can learn about somebody you’re choosing to spend significant amounts of time with is when they need time alone and how to let them have it without thinking it’s a rejection of you or that they need to change the way they deal with things.

Not everyone wants to talk or share their feelings when they’re upset or stressed. It’s like trying to convince somebody who is naturally introverted that they’d feel much better if they just went out and had fun more often. It isn’t unhealthy to want some time alone with your thoughts when something upsetting has happened. If he’s already reassured you that he isn’t trying to shut you out, believe him. When he needs quiet and space, go and get on with something else and stop making him the centre of your thoughts.

Silent treatment is not the same as somebody needing space. Silent treatment is when somebody uses the silence as a weapon following an argument to deliberately make another person upset and ensure they don’t disagree in future. Simply not wanting to talk about something which has happened in their life unrelated to the relationship and preferring to be left alone to process it is just a different way of handling emotion.

Op- I'm not sure I've got any advice other than asking how long you'd be prepared to let this continue? It is a massively unhealthy way of shutting you down when you're arguing. If the shoe was on the other foot, how would he react if you crossed your arms and shut your eyes in an argument?

I'm not saying he can help it- I'm just wondering how you can tolerate it. As it would push me over for sure. What do you do when he does it currently?

I don't disagree with that - fully on board with reasonable demands for a bit of space - my worry is that if I back off every time he begins to shut down, it might seem as if I don't care. In the long run, I want more intimacy and partnership and for him not to feel as if he has to deal with everything alone.

It's how I manage my own emotional response that I want to figure out.

Re silent treatment - this isn't how he behaves if we have an argument, only when he's upset by something major. If it was a punishment when he was angry, we'd split up. I can see the difference and that's why I'm prepared to have a bit of a go at being patient/supportive.

Mildlymiffed - I don't know if I can tolerate it. He's a really good, kind (absolutely not abusive in the slightest) man and I'm not ready to give up. It is hard, though. I want to try and see whether I can change my reactions rather than run for the hills.

Does he behave like this when in difficult or uncomfortable situations/ conversations with other people and or just you?

With others as well. His mum says it is his response to strong upset and has always been this way but worse since his wife died.

Have you tried asking him? He clearly knows he behaves like this, and that he has a need to do so. How does he want you to respond - by being supportive, or backing off and leaving him to it? Once you know that, you can work on your own feelings.

If I've understood you op, you'd like him to open up and share his feelings when he's overwhelmed but his way of dealing is to close himself off and go into himself? Do you think he doesn't love you enough to share his feelings? Does he talk about them when he's not so stressed? If he does open to to you when he's had time to process his feelings then it seems to me that you just have to respect that's how he deals with things. Ok, it's not how you would, but it's ok to be different.
And you thinking, by not showing you care, in the way you like to be shown, might seem uncaring ? Why don't you talk to him and ask what he'd like you to do when he's stressed and overwhelmed? If he needs you to give him space, then tell him you love him and that you'll be available when he's ready to talk, then go about your day in the usual way. As you say, you are adding to his stress by keep offering him support when he's not able to take it.

Yes, that's what I'm doing currently. We have talked about it and I've had a really good think, which is why I'm going for advice on how to cope differently - I've noticed my own pattern rather than just focusing on the way he behaves.

I'm okay at the moment because I've had the weep and we talked so I'm feeling relieved and the tension has drained away.

But how can I train myself to avoid feeling so awful when it happens next time? I don't want to spend my life feeling desolate and I don't want to make things worse for him by piling on emotional pressure at bad times. But it is so hard☹️

Has anyone managed to train themselves to behave differently in order to feel differently?

Do you have other friends that you can chat with when he's cut himself off? I think keeping busy and not depending on him might help. When he's isolated himself, phone in a girlfriend and arrange to go out, or take yourself out for a walk. Fill your time with things that you enjoy so you are not just concentrating on him.

This is how he deals with things - it’s not about you and if you can train yourself to give him space to process it alone and not feel bad about it will benefit you massively- it’s hard when your style is different, but it is just different. Just go about your life and stop focusing on him those times and talk about it when he has processed it. It’s hard not to feel abandoned- but it’s temporary.

How often does this occur? How many times per week or month on average? How long does it last?

Some people cope with stress by withdrawing, others by sharing (men being more inclined to withdraw), and people with differing styles might run into difficulties. His reaction seems extreme and to be honest a bit abnormal. But he's not really hurting anyone. Provided its infrequent and doesn't last too long I think its something you can adapt to. In the long run he should try and seek treatment maybe though.

I meant to ask: can anyone give any advice or practical strategies for getting past my own emotional response to the behaviour so I can help with the actual issue in hand? When I feel it starting to build up, what can I do?

In past relationships I have acted like your boyfriend. It's horrible. It is like a prison you can't snap out of. In my case it was how my upbringing taught me to react. Nothing my partner said or did could ease my internal anguish and torment till I deemed I had suffered enough. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous to someone who doesn't deal with conflict that way, but there it is.

The point of me posting is to say there isn't a lot you can do to make him feel better. He almost certainly feels like absolute dogshit (I did). All you can do is tell him you love him and leave him to it (nicely) - watch TV, read a book, make them tea, hold their hand etc. I would usually end up shuffling over and getting a big hug and then cry a bit and then I'd let myself out of my prison, having served my self-imposed sentence.

I know you said not right now, but counselling is the thing that helped me understand my reactions. Although saying that, writing this made me cry at the memory of it, so maybe I'm not quite fixed yet....

It sounds like you want to make him feel better so that you can feel better. I used to do similar, tie myself in knots, trying to get them back to an even keel. I changed when i really realised that their problems were not mine to fix. The old 'not my circus, not my monkeys' mantra can help. Only they can change how they feel or react to events. You have to look after yourself by not getting sucked into their vortex. Counselling helped me to rediscover my self esteem to realise i wasn't just an adjunct to them, but worthy in my own right to not take on their feelings. I think once i really understood that, it made it easier to go about my day not taking on board their feelings as my own,

Thank you all for the input, especially you, Buzz - I'm touched that you put yourself in a place where you had a cry in order to help me and I appreciate your honesty.

Would you say that it would be better to allow real space (ie go home to my own house) or be around and just separate at his house? I've always got loads to do at home because I'm at his house most of the time, plus I love being in my own space, so would be happy to bugger off - but I don't want to just abandon ship.

Hi OP, I can related to your OH's response, I've had a hefty amount of therapy to help deal with my reactions to things which I will share with you in the hope that you can begin to understand why he reacts the way he does.

When these triggers happen and his body shuts down like that, he has gone into the freeze response. This is because he is so overwhelmed with what is happening, the body feels unsafe so "plays dead" this is something his body is doing to survive. You mention his wife passed away and this has got worse since then? He has clearly been through some serious trauma which has caused this reaction.

In regards to your reaction, I believe knowledge is power, while it can feel like rejection it really isn't, it's his instinctive nature just trying to survive through feeling a great amount of trauma and stress. Trying to empathise with what he is going through and giving him a little space at the time may help (i wouldn't suggest leaving entirely) just keeping it calm, a gentle, reassuring touch to let him know you are still there and he is in a safe environment and wait for him to come to you.

I know it must be painful to see someone you love going through this and of course you are going to react instinctively but focusing on your breathing and reminding yourself of what is actually going on may help.

In regards to his response, I'm not sure if you are able to, but perhaps bring up his shut downs at a neutral time and talk about maybe him getting some trauma therapy.

Hope this has helped somewhat!

Lilac, yes, it is helpful, thank you. You're right about instinctive responses and where they come from, which is worth thinking about, and your comment about the breathing is helpful - of course I know about calming breathing etc but I hadn't even considered it in this context. I'll give it a good go!

I'm touched that you put yourself in a place where you had a cry in order to help me and I appreciate your honesty.

No problem. It's actually nice to be able to do something worthwhile with this spectacularly horrible trait I have.

Would you say that it would be better to allow real space (ie go home to my own house) or be around and just separate at his house? I've always got loads to do at home because I'm at his house most of the time, plus I love being in my own space, so would be happy to bugger off - but I don't want to just abandon ship.

Speaking for me only, I wouldn't want you to leave the house. I'd wind that into the whole thing and turn it into an even bigger "oh I'm such a horrendous person you can't even stand to be here" thing.

I'd like you to be near me, but not going on at me - just doing your own thing. As pathetic as it sounds, nearby enough that I can sidle up to you and get comfort (because denying myself comfort of a loved one is one way I dish out self-punishment). Or if you are passing, just give me a quick kiss or whatever without saying anything. Reassurance is probably what I craved most because one half of me was going to town on the other, telling myself how horrible a person I was.

Wish you luck. I know how horrible it is for you, but as pp says, you also need to make sure you are not taking his burden all on your shoulders, because you absolutely cannot fix it, only he can (and you aren't responsible for it either). My ex used to be completely at a loss as to why I couldn't just "put down" the bad feelings like he could and move on, and I know it severely contributed to our breakup.