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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Craving my old life

34 replies

Helenj1977 · 20/01/2020 20:45

I used to be very independent. Had my own home, filled with my furniture, a great job and it was just me and my 2 children.

Now, I live in dps house, my furniture has gone, I decided to give up my job, we have a baby together and I'm miserable.

I want my old life back. I want my little house and my furniture. I want my children to be proud of me not just think I may home don't nothing.

I want to be on my own again.

I'm trapped though. I have nothing. What can I do?

OP posts:
Elieza · 20/01/2020 21:13

How old is your baby? Could you have post natal depression? It can take a while to kick in. And lack of sleep can of course make anyone a bit unlike themselves and unhappy.

I’d feel a bit like a visitor in someone’s house if none of my stuff was there right enough without pnd! Why was it all your stuff that had to go? Would you feel happier if he agreed that you need a new couch or bedroom furniture or whatever? Is it just the lack of stuff that’s making you sad coz it’s not like home?

Do you still want him?

Can you look into childcare with a view to getting a job again? Once you have a job then you can pay bills and get another house of your own if you still want one.

category12 · 20/01/2020 21:17

Go back to work?

category12 · 20/01/2020 21:26

You don't have to be trapped, you can get independent again.

Is your partner controlling, or was all this loss of independence your choice?

VioletVoice · 20/01/2020 21:31

What happened to your furniture?

Original poster
Helenj1977 · 21/01/2020 06:49

It was my choice. My furniture went to the tip and dp bought most new. We moved into this house together, it's brand new. He's got money, a great job, gets to go away and I'm stuck cleaning his house.

The baby is 13mo. Our puppy is 16 weeks old, that's a big tie. And, my idea. I thought it might keep me occupied and give me something to do.

I feel so stupid. I should have stayed as I was. I don't want to live in someone elses house.

I've looked into universal credit etc but that's all different now. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Nicolastuffedone · 21/01/2020 07:26

I would’ve thought housework and a 13 m old baby would’ve been enough to occupy anybody....

Scott72 · 21/01/2020 07:30

It sounds like you're blaming him for your situation. Is he controlling? Abusive at all? Does he help out a reasonable amount around the house and with the baby?

ColaFreezePop · 21/01/2020 07:34

I don't understand why you got a puppy. See if you can re-home the puppy, find yourself some part-time work and put your toddler in childcare.

By the time you actually find work your toddler will be older. It will be good for you to socialise with adults and good for your child to socialise with other toddlers.

If you are not married or in a civil partnership with your partner you need to work, even if working equals the amount you will spend on childcare. That way if your relationship breaks down you have some up to date skills to get a better job.

Oblomov20 · 21/01/2020 07:39

You can work, part time then later full time.
What happened to your money, did you put it into the deposit fir the new house? Is that traceable? It will be if you've only done it recently. Get the paperwork now.

This is all solvable. What is it that you want?

PicsInRed · 21/01/2020 07:43

So you're not married, threw away most of your own possessions, he bought and therefore owns all the contents of the house - which he also owns in his sole name?

Are you sure this was your choice or were discussion had where he was very keen on the idea?

If he's a good man, he'll be willing at least to pay into a savings and/or pension account for you. He'll want to ensure that you wouldnt ever be walking away with literally then clothes on your back.

Does he have life insurance? You should own (therefore control) the policy and be the recipient.

Do your have survivorship rights to his house or are you named in his will?

I say this with love and concern - you need to go back to work as soon as practical and save money into your own bank account. If he's decent, he'll pay at least half the childcare bill.

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2020 07:48

It sounds like a new baby and puppy is overwhelming you

Does he help out

FlowerArranger · 21/01/2020 07:50

I used to be very independent. Had my own home, filled with my furniture, a great job and it was just me and my 2 children.

Presumably you were at one point living with the father of your older children. How did you get from that to your independent life? Can you retrace your steps? You did it once - can you do it again? Perhaps not right now, but can you start planning? For one thing it'll give you something positive to focus on.

NB: how do your older children feel about the change in their life? How is their relationship with your partner?

Sorry, so many questions...

RantyAnty · 21/01/2020 07:52

What happened to your house?

I understand this. I've always been much happier on my own. I've always had to give up too much to be with someone.

How old are your other DC?

Don't know what type of work you do but you could get a part time job and try to save. Or you could do some training for a higher paying job then go back to work.

Keepmewarm · 21/01/2020 07:58

I understand but you also say that you quit your job, you got rid of your furniture, you sold your house.

Do you love him?

You can still be independent and have a relationship. Get a job, get a hobby.

HandsOffMyRights · 21/01/2020 08:04

Why can't you go back to work? Is he not supportive of that?

I went back to work when my twins were 10 months old and it was a good choice (for me). Sure we needed the money, but it was for other reasons too.

Re-home the puppy.

QuentinWinters · 21/01/2020 08:09

Right. Get a job. Use the money to psy a dog walker/childcare etc
Do you love your partner?

xsamix86 · 21/01/2020 08:54

It sounds like you are maybe feeling a bit unfulfilled with your life, and that you are a lodger in your own home. You have given up so much, your independence, your home, your furniture etc and am I right in saying you feel like a lodger in your home rather than jointly owning anything? Have you talked to DP about how you feel? He may think he is doing great providing a nice home etc for his family without realising you feel down about it. Yes you made the choice to move, got rid of your furniture etc but maybe you could look at replacing something of his and make it more 'ours'. Look at the possibility of a part time job so you are getting out of the house and taking some ownership of your independence. Its hard to go from being fully self reliant to relying on someone else. We love our babies with all our hearts but sometimes it's easy to lose yourself when everyone else becomes a priority, and every hour of our day is taken up with someone else's needs.

Shookethtothecore · 21/01/2020 09:02

Your life sounds like my life. When I’m upset I close my eyes and my happy place is sat on my old sofa with the candles I liked burning, I can even smell it and remember the way the sun shone in. I don’t have much advice but your post resonated with me. I have a lot of “your lucky” as it was a council house and I now live in a nice area with a nice car and a high earner dh but the truth is, I was happier back there and I realise that’s my marriage that is the issue. I’m trying to fix my marriage as I have no way of leaving.

Original poster
Helenj1977 · 21/01/2020 09:49

@Shookethtothecore You are the same as me!! My happy is my old house and my sofa. My things, my job, just me and my older two.

My dp is lovely, too lovely. Not controlling, he'd do anything to make me happy which makes me feel worse.

I do need a job. I'll do googling.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2020 09:59

Have you talked about marriage?

What sort of work did you do before?

How is he too lovely?

FlowerArranger · 21/01/2020 11:21

I think you need more than a job. Though working would no doubt be beneficial for you, both practically and emotionally.

But reread what you wrote:-
I used to be very independent.
I'm miserable.
I want my old life back.
I want to be on my own again.
I'm trapped though
My DP is too lovely...

What's really going on?

And how has your new life affected your older children?
How is their relationship with your partner?
How do they feel about all this?

emsyj37 · 21/01/2020 11:27

I hated being at home with babies. Surely you could just go back to work? As a starting point anyway, and see if you are any happier? If not, you will at least have started down the road to independence.

Shookethtothecore · 21/01/2020 11:40

I am a stay at home mother now to 3 small children. I think that impacts my happiness. I love them with all my heart like we all do but it is relentless and my old life didn’t have this level of every day stuff, I look back with rose tinted glasses. I focus on the positive side of staying home with my children and repeat the phrase “this won’t be forever” on the hard days. It can be really Mobley and you deffo loose yourself a bit.

PicsInRed · 21/01/2020 11:45

He's "too lovely"?

What does that mean? Would he still be lovely if you were more independent, more outspoken?

Do you own any assets? Hold any life insurance on this man - what if he died suddenly? Have you any financial resources whatsoever?

Do you even have a joint bank account?

I think you're unhappy because you sense how truly vulnerable you are here.

billy1966 · 21/01/2020 11:58

It sounds like you have up your life completely.
Did you want another baby or did you do it for him.
You sound very caught and as if you just didn't want to do the baby thing again. Nothing wrong with that.

It really sounds as if you have lost all your choices.

Sit down and make a plan.
Childcare/ job.