I need a good talking to

[WinterSunshine101]

Hi all,

I've posted about this before on different user names. But I seem unable to actually take any advice and do anything. I'm so cross at myself but terrified of doing anything about it.

My partner is abusive and controlling. We have 3 children (between 1 & 5) and I'm desperate to get away from him. There are moments when things feel OK, but then the same old stuff happens. He also has severe OCD (re 'dirt') which is now starting to really affect how we can operate as a family, and what the children do.

I'm aware that my resentment of him and the whole situation is now so great, that I feel angry all the time. I'm naturally a very calm, happy person, but I can feel myself becoming someone I dislike, and I'm behaving in ways I don't like around the children (getting cross, rushing them etc).

There is no way my partner would have a reasonable conversation with me about this, and no way he would leave of his own free will. I honestly feel like my only option is to leave, with the children. I have found a small rental house for a short term, in the hope that we can work out a decent future.
There are so many reasons though that I just can't bring myself to actually do it.

I feel terrible that I'd be breaking up our family. I'd be taking my children away from a truly amazing house and all they know. I don't really want to be on my own, and I know it will be bloody hard. And I'm scared about how things will eventually work out. Or not.

Also my partner tells me that it's my fault the bad things happen, so I'm scared that it really is me and my children will be better off with him. I also contacted womens aid who advised me that technically he could notify the police that I abducted the children, which is absolutely not a good thing.

My best friend is aware of the situation and obviously has told me that I need to leave, and when we talk about it it feels so clear cut. But then I don't do anything, and it's all back to square one.

Please someone talk some sense into me.

OP, there’s an old saying “Nothing succeeds like success”. Every little thing you achieve, every small step you manage on your route to a new happy home, will build your confidence in yourself.
I suspect he has undermined you for years, making you doubt your ability to cope with even simple tasks alone. But look at how your positivity and mood are improving, even at this early stage, just from viewing properties, posting on here, getting advice from Women’s Aid etc. Your self belief is starting to come back, you are not the downtrodden victim you used to be. Even your abusive shit of a partner is noticing the difference, and starting to panic that he’s losing control of you.
Keep up the momentum, OP! Visualise your lovely new life away from him, in a loving home with your kids. Sending you a hug and my prayers that your new life starts very soon. God bless.

Op, I've been there. I stayed for 9 years after the first signs of emotional and verbal abuse. It got physical 5 years in. The only time he would back off was when I was pregnant so I had 4 children with him. Please dont anyone think I'm wrong for saying cos I absolutely love my children but I regret bringing them into that whole crap. I punish myself every day.
It started to move from me to the children so I knew I had to get out, I would take it to protect them but in the end it was changing.
I told him it was over and he started taking tablets saying he was going to kill himself and it's all my fault cos I broke the family. He got in my car and said he was going to die and doesnt care if he crashed and killed others. I called the police and they found him and took him to his parents who then took him to the hospital. While at the hospital himself and his spiteful sisters (they never liked me cos I stood up for myself whenever they spoke to me or my kids like crap) they reported me for neglect of my children!! One of my had a sickness bug and was extremely ill in the night a week before all this happened. She was sick all through the night and she got a little bit of sick in her hair during the night, he said I neglected her cos I didnt put her in a full bath at 2am in the morning and wash her hair. I soaked that part of her hair with warm water and shampoo mixed in a plastic mixing bowl while she slept and was motionless in my bed and I then slept on the wet side of the bed after some water spilled and I moved her to the dry side. He was trying to punish me and hurt me.
I felt guilt and I thought I still loved him and my kids missed their dad, but I know full well that I did the right thing as one day someone would of got seriously hurt and they wouldn't have a mum or I would of lost my children if I stayed with him.
You are doing absolutely fantastic already by acknowledging what is happening and knowing it isnt right.
You can do this, I never thought I could ever leave him or survive on my own. I wish I did it sooner x x x

He will beg and plead and cry, he will give all the sob stories because in his head he believes that he owns you and you would never leave. Dont fall for any of it cos it wont change. It will be 'good' for a week or two, then it will gradually go back. Be strong and you are doing amazingly xx

Every time I see one of these threads I feel sick to my stomach. A close relative lost her life at the hands of her partner. She would leave and find reasons to go back (rationalising like you about chores and tasks that were easier for him to do, remembering the pleasant times, etc), then go back to him until she ended up dead, leaving her kids parentless.

My family has never recovered from the fallout. The thing that abused women do not seem to understand is that this affects everyone around them, not just them. Other relatives went to their graves early because of their own grief.

Every time I see a woman hesitating to leave or blaming herself or allowing her children to grow up in an abusive home, I just want to scream.

OP, please, please, follow through.

Hello. Thought I would check in. I saw two houses today. The first was perfect and I surprised myself by filling in the application form on the spot. It felt amazing to visualise us all together, doing everything exactly the way we want, without someone else's rules. Sadly the landlord later contacted the estate agent to say he didn't want children in the property. I got the call in tesco and felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. The second house was dire, which made me feel worse. Coming back to my beautiful home, that I've worked so hard on, and am going to leave behind was pretty difficult too, but I keep telling myself I did this under pretty testing circumstances, so I can do it again.

So for now I'm back to searching, but my resolve is still strong.

Thank you all again x

Disappointing about the house, but keep looking. Well done.

So I'm exactly where I knew I would be. I've found somewhere to rent that would work for us. It's not perfect, but I can imagine us all squished in there.
The estate agent has said there's been a lot of interest in it, but they seem to have taken pity on me and want to put me forward as a preferred option if I wanted to apply for it.
Which brings me to actually having to make a decision. I'm terrified. This week has been OK, and there have been many times where I've thought 'I'm glad my partner was here to do that/help with that etc etc'.
I absolutely know violence is a really bad thing and totally unacceptable, so why am I hesitating???
Feeling really lost at the moment.

Cos it is scary, and it is nice to have someone to pick up some of the adulting. Making the leap is hard.

But you're more than capable on your own. And the peace of being able to suit yourself at home and not being at the mercy of his moods - just imagine it.

You can do this.

It is very scary - but think of how much better you will all feel when you are out the other side in the new place :) Not having to worry, or walk on eggshells. Where your kids can just be kids. Where you get to make the decisions.

What would you tell your children in the future if they were where you are now? Make the decision to give them the best future possible. We're all here to hold your hand and lend you strength to do this!

One foot in front of the other. Stay focused on your goal of raising your children in a safe environment where they will never see violence or be the victims of violence at your abusive partner's hands.

You are more than capable of leading a peaceful and autonomous life.

If you have trustworthy friends and family, reach out for their support.

Keep your resolve and get away from that abusive and cruel beast.

Thank you. I will look at the programme.
*
Have you looked at the Freedom Programme as you said you would? It will help you to keep your resolve and to keep your children safe from abuse.

Wow. I came on here just now to maintain a sort of diary to myself, so it's amazing that people have posted. I can't even express how much strength I get from this thread.
So today I actually applied for a rental place. I don't expect to get it because there was a lot of interest (I realise a single parent with 3 small children isn't everyone's idea of brilliant tenants), but after I'd sent the forms in it felt like a weight had been lifted.
It continues to be fairly reasonable at home at the moment, which is making it hard to stay focused, but I looked back on some threads I started (under different names) over two years ago, and that was a big wake up call.
Thank you everyone.

@Wereallsquare - I've got access to the online course now. Finding time to actually look at it properly is difficult, but I will. I've read so much about it on MN, I'm sure it will be helpful.

Yay! So pleased with the progress you are making. Well done on putting in the application. it will get easier and easier.

I think I can speak for the posters here to say that we really want the best for you and your children.

You deserve a wonderful life!

Fingers crossed for the house you've applied for! Think how excited you can be if you are accepted!

Having my thread when I was going through this, to look back on, gave me so much strength and made the spaghetti head and gas lighting harder for my ex to do!

The estate agent just called. The landlord has chosen someone else because he "doesn't think we will have enough space". Clearly he thinks I'm unable to make that judgement for myself. Feel totally gutted, and exhausted. I was trying so hard not to invest too much in it, but I was already mentally planning it all and imagining us there.
Back to square one again. Thanks for keeping me positive and on track. I'll check back soon.

Very sorry about the disappointing news.

I know it may not seem like it now, but this is just a little bump in your road to freedom and peace. You will find a place. Keep at it, applying to as many places as possible.

Are you able to reach out to Women's Aid for any advice?

You really do have it in you to do this.

Keep us updated.

For all the things you feel unable to do, there will always be a video explaining how to do it on YouTube! You can do this :)

Hi everyone,
I have returned in the hope that one of you sees this and gives me a bit of strength.
It's been a difficult few weeks. A few house viewings, lots of knock backs. Some reasonable times with my partner, and some really terrible times. Sometimes I wish that I wrote down exactly what happens, but I feel rather ashamed.

I have another house viewing this afternoon (more money and further afield that I want, but ticks all other boxes and might actually be available for us). I'm terrified. Again.

So far I think I've been almost deliberately targeting places that I know (deep down) we won't be accepted for. This doesn't feel like the case this time. I've already filled out the application form, so am ready to go if I like it in real life.

I just can't shake this sick feeling I get when I think about the future. It feels so unknown and looks rather lonely. Then I catch sight of the horrendous bruise on my arm, or touch my side and wince, and I feel like I have no choice. Then I think maybe it was all my fault, and I waver again.
The Freedom programme is helping me, but it's taking a lot to undo years and years of guilt and being told its my fault.

Hand hold please!

I'm here and I've got a hand for you to hold
Please keep posting .

Thank you GertrudeCB. I've just seen the latest house. It's perfect - just what we need. Just need to hit the 'apply' button with the estate agent. Am shaking like a leaf and want to cry.
Home now to partner and the children and trying to keep a lid of my feelings.

Good luck and stay strong.

That's the thing though... I don't feel strong at all.

Please don't let your children grow up in a house where their mother is hit. I know children aren't "company" as such and there may be boring and lonely times ahead but please get yourselves out. This is appalling to read. Stay safe and good luck xx

@mcmooberry... You just said the one thing I needed to hear. It IS appalling. Shit.

So I've gone for it. I may not get it, but I know this is the closest I've come to moving on.
I've spent so long feeling sorry for myself, but I realise the one thing I really need is a bit of a reality check. Thank you.