My life is messed up

[Messedup9]

I was married to the man of my dreams, I adored him, then 3 years ago I started a new job. My husband started to be distant, avoiding coming to bed with me & never wanting to have sex, he was working away from home a lot & was having nights out in London. He is 18 years older than me. It took 5 yrs for him to agree that we could have a baby.

2 months after I started my job, there was a night out in I met someone at work that I hadn’t spent any time with before, he had been with his partner for 14 yrs. we got on great, then we had a work outting & I spent all day with him & that was it.... I couldn’t think about anyone else, I’d go to sleep thinking about him & wake up thinking of him. Then the Christmas party I told him how I felt, I didn’t say this but I knew I loved him, & he tried kissing me several times, I couldnt do it to my husband, so I ended it with my husband 4 weeks later, might seem like I made the decision too quickly, but I knew I couldnt be with my husband anymore, the last time we had sex, I cried after. My head was messed up & I didn’t love him anymore. I have a 4 yr old with my husband.

So I told my husband I wasn’t happy, he said that I had changed since I’d had the baby & loved the baby too much, he wouldnt try counselling, so I told him I would leave & I took a bag of clothes & my baby & left. I moved in with family till I got my own place.

I was seeing the new man & I loved him, 2 years later... I’m at work writing this. My heads messed up, I left my husband which I don’t regret but I left for someone who has totally messed me around. He left his partner 3 months after I left, he kept sleeping back at her house though, (they have a 12 yr old) he lied to me a lot, Christmas 2018 was the worst ever. He dumped me at the begging of December & slept at ‘their house’ all of December & then text me in January & wrote me a letter saying he’d messed up & he promised not to do it again, I went back because I loved him. Then he kept sleeping at the house again & lying about where he was & I found out. I kept finishing it & he’d beg me to take him back & I would, it was a vicious circle. I went away for a month with my son to clear my head came back & he was waiting for me, I finished it 2 days later because I can’t trust him... This has been goi on for 2 years. I’ve never met his son. I didn’t want to finish it, I wanted it to work. Now 1 week later I’m messed up.

What do I do? It’s early days but I can’t stop thinking about him. I miss him, he isn’t why I thought. Karma is a bitch, as I said I don’t regret leaving my husband because we had moved so far apart. But my life is non existent, I have my son which is amazing, but I want to be in a relationship & I want to have more children.

Leave this douche and find a decent man to be with and hopefully have children with. Also, your child needs stability and this man doesn't provide that.

Your major problem is that you want to be in a relationship. A relationship is worth nothing if it's with the wrong person and this man is clearly the wrong person. You have to do whatever you can to get him out of your system and focus on yourself, putting your own life back together. Then maybe down the road you'll find someone right for you.

but I want to be in a relationship
Why?
It's not worked out so well for you so far has it?
You keep making the wrong choices.
You need to do some work on yourself before you embark on any more relationships.
You are not putting yourself or your DC first.
Until you are prepared to do that, do NOT have any more children.
You are putting way too much emphasis on MEN!
WHY? You don't need one to make you complete and until you can see that you won't ever be happy!

I put my child first all the time. I work full time with very little help from my child’s dad & also i don’t get any money from my him either. I 100% support my child & always will, my child will come above everything.

Yes I do want a relationship, as much as I am mum, I want a relationship & I very much want more children in the future. I’m not In a rush. There are absolutely no regrets with my ex we were together for 10 yrs & I have a beautiful child from that relationship so would have to disagree that, that relationship didn't work out so well & that fact that me & my ex aren’t together but get on brilliantly is amazing & i’m very pleased with how that has turned out, it’s not ideal but it’s friendly & amicable.

I agree I do need to work on myself first, I made the wrong decision going with the other person, I just wish that I could get that person out of my head now, as I said I finished it when I came back from being away for a month as I knew it wasn’t going anywhere.

You don't need either of them. Take some time out from relationships and enjoy your child. They are only young once.
Don't be one of those mums who has a different "dad" for your child every five minutes.

And why is he not paying for his child, you need to pursue that, he can't just have kids everywhere and not pay for them.

He doesn’t pay & I don’t ask... which isn’t right I know, I have a good job & am Comfortable with being able to pay for my child myself.

Me & my child have recently been granted a year visa for Australia, so I am considering leaving for a year, I have all the paperwork in place & also the Heath care insurance. I’ve worked full time for the last 3 years & think it would be a good experience for both of us

OP, you say that your "life is non existent" but you work full time and have sole care of your son, so you are doing a lot. Do you mean that you have no time to yourself? I completely relate as I too was a sole parent from DD's birth and worked full time after two months. It really does get better. I waited until DD was at secondary school before dating as I seriously wouldn't have had the time or energy (obviously everyone is different and frankly I'm in awe of people who can fit that in too).

Concentrate on yourself and your son, as I'm sure you are already doing. Don't think too far ahead. You were in one relationship for 10 years and another for two, so think about what you really want for yourself, without trying to please anyone else.

How can you have a great relationship with a man who does nothing for his child?

Go to Australia if the LO's dad won't try and stop it. Do something for the two of you. Take some time to enjoy life a little.

Bin this douchebag off too. He'll always play these games.

Thank you.

I meant my social life is non existent, I don’t have many friends & the ones I do are in happy relationships. I love my child more than anything & wouldn’t change that I have & support him but I would like to have a life outside of just work & being a mum. I think going to Australia for a yr would be great for both of us. & maybe you are right with putting relationships on hold until he is at school.

Because regardless of him not paying & signing the form for our child to leave for a yr, he is my child’s dad & I want my child to grow up with parents who can be in the same room as each other - I understand what you are saying though.

Thanks

It's a natural sentiment - to want the best for your child, including for him to have a relationship with his father. If you can make that work, brilliant. But don't put your life on hold if it isn't forthcoming. I speak from experience .... I hung around for six years, hoping that my ex would step up and be a father, but he didn't and never has. Australia sounds a fantastic opportunity and worth serious consideration. All the very best of luck to you.

Your current relationship is absolutely awful. Stay away. Go to Oz and sort yourself out. Do not return to your current boyfriend. Go through the withdrawal symptoms of leaving a crazy relationship and be the person your child will look up to.

I know what you are saying is right. I was with him (if i can even say that!) for 2 years, he slept at his exes house on & off for 18 months, made promises & broke them all. Told me he wanted to marry me & have a baby in time, I believed him, I think that’s why I forgave him so often, but every time he’d let me down. He’d lie & id find out.

No one in his family knew about me. When we’d row because I didn’t trust something he said I had to let go of all of the things he had done for us to be able to move on. I’m not desperate for a relationship & More children, 100% I want those things ultimately but for a longtime I thought I’d have that with him.

I just wish I could understand why now I’m feeling upset over someone who isn’t worth it & 100% isn’t good enough to be apart of my family, it drives me insane!!

I know you said your LO's dad doesn't help with anything but do you get any help with your kid from family here?

I get wanting to be in a relationship and wanting a fresh start but I'm worried about what support if any you'll have in Australia, because it seems like that's what you need to be able to let you have time to rebuild that social life to eventually find the right person

Please, please take a break from men and focus on your self-esteem and your child. You are tolerating some awful behavior from men. I know it's hard, but use this year in Australia and maybe get some counseling. And please make your ex pay for his kid. There's no excuse for him not paying.

Hi @Messedup9,

I have been where you are in terms of having deep feelings for someone who was not worth it. I did a lot of reading, on here and the internet about attachment styles etc.

I realised that It was nothing to do with the man in question, it was more what he represented. I now judge someone by their actions and not words. Also, a user on here gave someone on a thread great advice about leaving when you see early red flags.

You need time as I did for my heart and head to catch-up with each other. I look at that guy and wonder what the hell was I thinking! I needed space and time to process. So no relationship or dating.

I now feel ready.

Good luck.

It drives me crazy, these "good fathers" who pay nothing for their upbringing. How can he look you in the eye!? You need to sort this out. If he paid what he should, you could perhaps work less as be able to have more of a life for yourself. Your son is not just your responsibility.

Sorry I know it's not the main problem but you need to put yourself and your son first x

That is true. My family/friends have the same opinion on the dad situation. However, I’m ok with it, I pay for my child & me I don’t rely on anyone & when we go to Australia, I will be going over there for a year, not working & my child will be having some tutoring, I want to make up for the time that I’ve missed, it will just be us together.

It isn’t my main problem but I do accept that you made a very good point about not working so many hours.... I’m not a career minded mother, I had a good job before I got pregnant & it’s all I’ve known, I’ve done it since I was 18. If there are appointments for my child, I take the time off of work to attend, if my child is sick it’s me that has time off for that too. I do everything for my child. My life feels sometimes like I am running around dropping my child to the different settings each day, going to work, finish work, picking my child up, doing tea & bath & then bed. I’m ok with my life being like that, that’s what happens when you split up, but the person that I let into my life has made my life harder by acting how he did & the damage he has caused. I wasn’t perfect, I’ve been outright horrible & disgusting to him at times, but he hurt me a lot, I’ve not contacted that person since I said it was over, now I just want to get him out of my head. I dreamt about him last night, I wake up all hours constantly, I don’t know if I’m just being a drip or if there is something I can do to get him out of my mind.

I'm not doubting you as a mother. You sound like you are doing an amazing job.

But this is NOT what happens when you split up. At least not if the dad is a decent man. I'm split up, my ex looks after OUR daughter and pays for OUR daughter. Between us we manage the childcare. Just because we are split up, doesn't mean or 8 child becomes just my child.

You are not relying on him by asking for payments. It is not about you, it is about your child. It is your child's money. You are denying your child that extra income by letting him get away with this.

I can't understand a man's mentality in having a child and by not contributing at all to that child's upbringing.

As for the other loser you let into your life, just cut all contact and move on. Try to enjoy your life without a man. Take up a new hobby or just anything to take your mind off him. Also just give yourself time. You'll forget him.

You don't know what's around the corner.

Good advice - thank you

I'd sort out some counselling OP because you sound almost brainwashed into believing that a 'relationship', is the golden ticket to happiness and fulfilment.
It isn't! You know this!
Somewhere along the line you've convinced yourself that you are only worthy, significant, matter even...if you're in a relationship.
You are worth so much more than you think of yourself.

That’s really not the case & obviously a few people are getting that impression. My post isn’t about being in just any relationship. If it was just about being with someone I wouldn’t have left my last 2 relationships.

I put a lot into a relationship I saw potential in, it’s gone horribly wrong & I've been hurt & I’ve left him for his actions, but now I want to get him out of my head. When I said previously I want a relationship I meant I wanted a relationship with the person I saw potential in. I have no intention of trying to be in another relationship with anyone else, that’s the last thing on my mind.

I came on here to get advice for moving on, I’ve never been like this before or felt how I feel, I’m alone but I’m not lonely. My expectations were broken because I clearly thought the person I was with would work & it hasn’t & I wanted to know if there was a quick fix for getting him out of my head.