Ex introducing kids to ow.

[thecoalbucket]

Do I have any say in this?
He was having an affair with her now he is gone and he has practically moved in with her.
He has met her child but I feel very strongly about them not knowing about the affair or other woman , at least until they have accepted and got used to their new normal. Needless to say they are heartbroken .
I have been advised that a new partner should be introduced after approx two years after separation but from reading on mn, I know many people move their new boyfriends/ girlfriends in almost straight away and introduce them to their kids very quickly.
I am Absolutely against that for my own children but do it meet a day i this? Thanks

Two years after separation sounds a bit extreme to be honest. I understand why you would be upset but the reality is you can't stop him if he is determined. Can you try and reason with him?

I feel for you op

But absolutely no rights whatsoever in who he introduces. If he wanted to, he could introduce a new woman one day after meeting her.

It isn’t in the best interest of the child, but I’m afraid you have to accept it

I'm not sure.
Two years is what was recommended by family therapist although one of my children has asd and another child has anxiety so maybe that's why they recommended that .
I do not want them to know that their father is a cheat. I can categorically say that the eldest girl will cut him out , she's doing her best to avoid spending any time with him such is the lack of interest she has for him
And the younger too adore him but are black and white when it comes to sense of justice etc.
I know that someday they will find out but I hope that they will have the maturity to deal with it. Currently they believe that he left because he preferred work to spending time with them 😢

How old are your dc ? Does your ex communicate with you ? Is he likely to take notice of your concerns ?

From my experience I would advise against lying to the kids about the reason for your break-up. My husband's eldest blamed him for the split for years as his ex hid the fact that she had an affair, and he met me around 6 months later so they thought I was the OW.

What if you meet someone else and they end up blaming you? I'm all for being honest with the kids as long as they are old enough to understand.

Ouch, I think it usually six months before basic introductions and staying overnight at around a year

Is he open to discussion? If you explain to him what has been said will he do what's in the children's interest?

I was introduced to my now husbands children a year into our relationship. I think a year minimum is a good idea. Your children need time to come to terms with what's happened at the moment and then in time they can be introduced to OW. I think it's too soon. Is your ex reasonable? Might be worth explaining to him how you feel?

The best you can do is speak to him and calmly explain your concerns, and why you believe that waiting would be in the best interests of your children.

It is then up to him what he chooses to do, unfortunately.

Kids are 16/12/10.
We are amicable in front of kids . Privately I want to cut his head off.
He will listen but his children do not come first as a rule. He is flexible to a point . Our youngest developed quite an acutevepidode of anxiety when my ex began to detach and stay away for days in end. He knew this and did not change any behaviours . My middle child has asd and also reActed terribly to his rejection as she saw it . They were very close . Again he continued to stay at work and his girlfriends. I hold him absolutely responsible for both of these traumatic responses and have told him this in no uncertain terms. I hope it will infirm his decision to involve them in a newly formed family .
It's him/ work/gf /kids in that order.

He sounds like an arse. I don't know why you're defending him to the kids.

I'm not defending him. I am following professional advice from their psychology teams . Believe me , every fibre of my being wants to tell them what an absolute scumbag he is but their mental
Health is so precarious and delicate it may harm them further. I have no doubt that he will reap what he has sown

Can you explain to him how damaging it will be for them. Or has he just shut down from all of that

OK I can understand that @thecoalbucket. It must be difficult.

He had this incredible ability to switch off when the kids would be crying . He could could actually tune out and go on his phone. I don't think it was deliberately not cringe. I think he couldn't cope with the damage he caused. The younger kids blamed me and were angry with me until one of their psychologists told me
To stop answering their questions that he should be answering and so I had to give them
My phone to ring and ask him those questions. They wouldnt as I believe they thought they would upset him and upset the little precious time they had with them... but it worked!
My eldest knows the truth, I'm almost sure of it .

I feel for you OP but you cant control if and when your Ex introduces the DC to his partner.
You can offer your opinion to him on how he should consider the DC feelings and to think how best to manage his new life around what's best for them. Hopefully he will listen to your advice and put the DC first.

Do I have any say in this?

You have absolutely none regardless of what advice you have been given. Just tell the kids an age-appropriate version of the truth.

The oldest 2 are definitely old enough to decide if they want to meet OW. You don't get a say but they do. If after meeting her they are distressed you can support them in their decisions.

Your Ex has a choice, proceed and try to force the children or listen to them.

You can't force him and attempting to do so will just appear controlling, even if your motives are well intentioned.
My DC refuse to have anything to do with Ex's new partner, they just don't want to dilute time with their dad and he has handled it really badly. As they are older I stay out of it and just support what they want, I have been reassuring which is something you could do as you don't want them to be scared of OW when in reality it it will (rationally) fine.

I keep telling my DC I am completely fine if they meet her but my feelings aren't the issue in their reluctance.

I think you need to understand their reluctance, what are their specific fears?

They have no idea that the other woman exists. They believe that he left because he chose to be at work than be at home which is true. He met ow seven months ago , announced that the marriage was over four months ago and despite still living together , I heard it from a friend .
They still hope for a reconciliation which I have flat out been honest about. That it won't happen .
They are quite damaged by it all especially as the time they spend with their father is limited, fun and they seem to eat junk for their stays with him.
I encourage a strong loving
Relationship with thee father and have never spoken badly about him in front of them.
My children and o are very close as I am
Withthem 90% years f the time and have always been. He was a selfish disinterested and absent husband and father for all our time Together so they have an entirely different t relationship with him.
I believe that the introduction of a new woman so soon would damage them and their relationship with himself

Nope, no say whatsoever, sorry.

The thing is op it's not your decision. It's his. They are as much his kids as yours. If he feels the time is right, and no matter who thinks it's a terrible idea he has the right to choose.

I'm really shocked any professional would advise two years. It seems such an arbitrary number and a very long time to be advised to lie to your own children, especially at the ages they are and considering they are hoping for a reconciliation. Once they know he was lying for two years then trying to pretend they just met, and the fact they are basically living together would indicate not waiting is better.

There clearly is other facts not revealed because that seems more for your benefit really.

That’s on him though OP. If he tells them they’re meeting her and they refuse, or if he springs it on them and they don’t want to see her or him again then the oldest is old enough to have a say and you’ll have to play it by ear with the younger two.

I know she’s the other woman which makes things much worse and more complicated but two years is insane and I’ve never heard anyone suggest that long. In a non affair situation, 6 - 12 months would be normal if only so the person dating the parent gets to see how the parent is with their children and what the children are like before getting in too deep.

Hmm. Kids arent stupid and they will know there is someone else he is talking to a lot/messaging etc.
The best thing you can do for your children is be positive about the OW so they dont feel guilty if they like her when they meet her. Easier said than done I know but will really help them.

FWIW exh and me split for reasons I really didnt want to go into with the kids but over the time since we split I have told them more about why and it helped. They couldn't make sense of it before.

I think with the oldest if you suspect she knows, you need to have the open and honest conversation.

The younger two are harder and you are being very strong following the advice of professionals. It’s hard, mine are still far too young to know about ex’s affairs, they blame me for “arguing”. But after 3 years have settled into, as you put it, the new normal.

There are no other facts to be revealed.
I will do anything
To support the best interests of my kids. I was advised, for both parents, that a partners name should be immersed into conversation at around the year mark and introduced after two . This may be due to their additional needs , I'm not sure but itit is what's recommended . It may be to show the kids that or is a serious relationship and that they Can Trust their dad again .
As far as I am concerned , this has nothing to do with my reluctance for them to meet his girlfriend besides the time scale.
I have no respect for him or for her but he is their dad and this is his choice.she is his choice.
His indifference to their reactions and mental health leads me to believe that he will put himself and his needs first, as he has always done.
I will never go back or entertain any talk of it. On a personal level, the very thought of him makes my skin crawl.

It could also be to do with her also being sole custodian of her child and that my ex has met him early days?