Ex introducing kids to ow.

[thecoalbucket]

Do I have any say in this?
He was having an affair with her now he is gone and he has practically moved in with her.
He has met her child but I feel very strongly about them not knowing about the affair or other woman , at least until they have accepted and got used to their new normal. Needless to say they are heartbroken .
I have been advised that a new partner should be introduced after approx two years after separation but from reading on mn, I know many people move their new boyfriends/ girlfriends in almost straight away and introduce them to their kids very quickly.
I am Absolutely against that for my own children but do it meet a day i this? Thanks

Do You think it should be him to discuss it with the. Older girl? This is all so new to
Me.

2 years is extreme! Casual relationships should not be introduced but once in a committed relationship a few weeks then it can be slowly introduced. Age of child matters but for primary school age people I know have successfully introduced at around the 3 month mark, older kids (16+) sooner is ok, my dd met dp on our first date, she came home (having said she was at her boyfriends)

I think that they should know about Dad's gf before meeting her. You have no control over when they meet but knowing about her might help put ideas about reconciliation out the window. Daddy loves X not mum may be easier for them to accept than Daddy loves work more than us.

I directed all questions about OW to ex because I thought that was for the best and genuinely didn't know how to answer some questions about her

Unfortunately if your ex won't take any of what you've said into consideration then you can't stop him introducing his new partner whenever he wants to.

Could you get him to speak to their psychiatrists as well, so that he doesn't feel like it's you trying to control what he does on his time with his kids? He may take it better from a neutral party.

Do You think it should be him to discuss it with the. Older girl? I definitely think if he plans to introduce his new partner then he should be the one to brooch the subject with the children first.

Is he at least willing to lay a bit of groundwork before introducing them? For example, talking about her and letting them ask questions?

Ps my kids (adults) won't meet their fathers girlfriend but are fine with my dp as they (rightly) blame their father for the breakup but say I deserve to be happy, the 16 year old can make up their own mind

Yes that's what I intend to do. Pass the questions over .
It is so difficult hiding the real reason for the split. Sometimes i feel that they blame
Me as we have told them
That we are not in love with each other anymore etc etc. I have found that very difficult.
Again I haven't nor will I ever speak badly of him and they're relationship with him extremely important .

My sixteen year old wants to set me up on old !!!! Not a hope, ever... well the way I feel right now anyway!

You have no say I'm afraid.

My ex goes through women like water, he'll introduce them within weeks. I'm sure it's one of the reasons my dd has such a problem with my dh, she just thinks relationships don't last. I've been married and with him for years but due to my ex being such a fuckwhit she still keeps him at arms length

The fact you've a child trying to set you up says they aren't hoping for a reconciliation. They are hoping for you to move on and be happy.

And kids talk. They talk to one another when the adults are not listening.

I’m sorry, but I think you are doing the wrong thing lying to your children. I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist. But I have extensive experience in working with children who have to be told much more difficult and traumatic things than the fact that their dad has a GF.

In my field we always encourage parents to tell the truth in an age appropriate way. This is especially true when it’s the children’s information that they have a right to know. Sometimes it can be hard tO know where that boundary is between their info ( that they have a right to ) and others people’s info ( which they don’t ).

It seems very unkind to let them believe that he left because he preferred work to them. They need to know that its not their fault in any way .

If I were you I would sit them down and explain that you have to talk to them about your dad. That you hadn’t told them this before because you wanted to protect them . But now you realise that was the wrong decision.

That their dad left because he met someone else who is now his GF. That you’ve never met her but her name is Jane and she works with their dad / whatever.

You dont need to defend his actions or pretend that its ok. You can say that you were very sad and upset because you expected to stay married to him and be happy, that splitting up wasn’t your choice. But that you can’t make him stay, the same as the children can’t make him stay. He gets to make his own decisions.

They may ask questions that you don’t know the answer too and that’s fine , just say that.

Or you may know but feel they don’t have a right to know eg was dad having sex with her before you separated. And you can just say thats up to their dad if he wants to tell them that.

I’d expect them to be angry but thats fine. They are allowed to be angry and upset.

Please do not tell that how to feel or think, they need to be allowed to deal with it in their own way. And if that means their father has to cope with their reaction, thats ok too. If the 16yo stops seeing him for a while, that’s their choice. People have to live with the consequences of their decisions.

Op lying to your children when they are their ages is silly. They are old enough to know. You're allowing him to build up an image and you're inadvertently protecting him. Sod him. He was the one who broke up u our family. I'd tell them.

It doesn't sound like what they have been told is a lie though? Mum and dad aren't together anymore because they're not in love with each other anymore is what they have been told - isn't that true?

I guess depending on their ages you may want to provide more details, say for the 16 year old, as they are likely to figure it out when they meet dad's new gf anyway.

I know it might feel good to be able to say 'actually, your dad left me for someone else' but I'm not sure what benefit that has for the kids, especially if they're younger and are already struggling with the split. If he's going to introduce the gf to them anyway, it will only make it harder if they're pre-disposed to think of her as bad and hate her.

You will have the opportunity to tell them when they're older if you need to.

You're allowing him to build up an image and you're inadvertently protecting him. Sod him. He was the one who broke up u our family. I'd tell them.

Protecting him but also protecting them, they are the ones who lose out if they're so angry with him that they no longer want a relationship with their dad or feel they can't go to his house because they hate the woman who lives there with him.

2 years is ridiculous. I have no ideas why a psychologist would say that. They could be married with children by then. They should be told straight away when dad is in an official relationship. With meetings beginning after 6 Months, as long as they both consider it serious. Your children aren’t young and I doubt they’re daft. They should not be kept in the dark, and certainly not lied to about the facts

Also it’s not up to you to decide. He can introduce her whenever he likes really

I'd let them know what a cheat he is and if kids don't want to know then maybe that's justice.

Brilliant advice by @IMOGEN your dc are old enough to be told and it won't take much working out for them anyway. The truth will come out at some point and they may well feel betrayed by both of you - dad for leaving and mum for not being 100% honest.

Your kids will be fine if you tell them age appropriately the truth. My kids' dad left the family home and his baby with ow was born within 7 months of him leaving. I was distraught. Years later, now my kids love their half sibling. You can't control what your ex is going to be getting up to. Good luck

At 16 and 12 they are well able to put two and two together. They will have friends at school who have been through this already , who go to see dad and dads Gf ( and maybe their half sibling ) at weekends.

I understand the overwhelming urge to protect them but I’m afraid you can’t. You can’t control your ex, you can only be there for the children while they come to terms with what kind of man he is.

It’s pretty unlikely that they will cut contact for ever. They may just need some time and space to deal with it, which is normal and appropriate. Just because the OP deals with it by pretending every thing is normal / stiff upper lip, doesn’t mean that’s the only way to deal with anger, disappointment and loss. Everyone has their own way.