Left Alone Afraid

[simply4help]

Hi Everyone
I know I am not a mum & a bit too old for this website
but I am in great need of help
7mths ago at the age of 66 & after 47 yrs of marriage my husband left & hasn't returned once all the events that took place from that day are bizarre he was throughout our whole marriage abusive mentally & physically although I never really realised that just thought it was a bad temper & rows
One of the worst things he did was told the police & people he knew that I was the abusive one & they all believed him they started speaking to me aggressively as if I was something they stepped in
My husband wouldn't have contact with me so has not spoken to me since leaving can't as him why he has done this I am absolutely devastated I have severe depression & anxiety since the day he left for years I have suffered with Me which has caused many issues during this time the mental cruelty he caused me was so bad I wanted to die
My problem is I am unable to be left alone for long & do not leave the house as soon as I knew what he had done I fell apart & became very ill all I want to do is find out why now he has done this not only did I stay with him all those years I thought the worst was over & our retirement would be more peaceful & content (bliss) but then out the blue what appeared to be a provoked row & he's gone I know what you must be thinking but I have spent 50yrs with this person and I can no longer go on without him
I am so alone we only had each other but now it is me on my own in this mess while he has made me look like this terrible person who did things to him
He also now has got a job he is surrounded by men at a place that won't even let me try to talk to him I'm in pieces so tired worn out & lonely please help
xxx

Hello Simply - I don't have much experience of this but didn't want to read & run.
Your situation sounds very sad and him leaving must have been a huge shock. Have you been to see your GP? It sounds as though you could do with some help managing your anxiety etc.

@simply4help he’s told your everything you need to know: he’s gone. Let him be gone and focus on yourself.
You have every right to be upset, to want answers, to fear for the future. It’s all normal, what you feel and think is normal, we all have it.
It doesn’t matter what others think. Your main priority is yourself.
Do you have carers coming in to help?
Are you eating?
Have you seen a GP, are you on any medication/therapy for your depression?

You’re not alone, I hear you.

hi
Thankyou for your help & kind words at the moment I get as much carer help as I can but unfortunately were living on his pensions which he has now taken he seems obsessed over money
I do have some financial assistant going on at the moment but holding myself together appears an almost impossible task
I'm just so scared & sometimes think how it would of been better if he had done this years ago.
He seems to of completely reversed are life so he looks like the badly treated one 7 this on top of everything hurts so much
I cry all day & struggle to sleep even now 7mts later it feels like yesterday.

@simply4help. Please contact Women’s Aid today if you have not done so already:

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Is there anyone in real life who can help you? Carers, neighbours, friends? I’m guessing not from what you say.

You have survived for 7 months. Be proud of that. You will continue to survive. You are obviously stronger than you think you are at this moment.

You are at a very low point right now. Call the Samaritans on 116123. This is a free call and does not appear on itemised phone bills. Hearing a human voice in real life will help.

The fact that you are not a mum does not matter, nor does your age. Women’s Aid will explain to you that they help women much older than you in this situation.

Forget that your husband has blamed you for his actions. This is what some people do when they have behaved badly. As previous posters say, focus on yourself. Women’s Aid will be able to give you good advice and ideas of what to do next. I appreciate that you do not get out of the house. With help a solicitor can come to see you.

Stay calm and come back here when you need to.

Thank you so much for your concern
I rarely eat anything or sleep & yes I am on medication
but don't think it helps much
I am so tired the strain of trying to be alone & cope with everything he did here is all too much at my age it doesn't seem worth it anymore
xx

Are you managing showers? Can you wrap up warm and open the windows really really wide and notice 5 things outside? Do this this morning, can you hear the birds? Can you see any daffodils leaves growing? Can you see and leaf buds in the trees?
And have one slice of toast.
And come back and tell us how it went.

@simply4help. Are you in an ME support group. If not look online to find a local group.

You are only 66. This is not old nowadays. You are lonely and you have suffered a traumatic event when your husband left you and ceased contact. You need to focus on what you can do, and forget what you can’t do. What can you do right now to help yourself? Make a list here and we can help you to work through it.

I'm sorry OP, didn't want to read and run. It can be devastating losing someone you have been with for that long, even if they didn't treat you nicely.

You need to take it one day at a time, and be kind to yourself.

Hopefully someone else will be around with more advice.

Please contact Age Concern. They will be able to direct you to services to help you. Also you must see your GP and explain your situation.

Do get legal advice too - as his pension doesn't 100% belong to him either.

Hi
Thank you all so much for your kind words & support
One of my carers has contacted age concern on my behalf but my
position makes it difficult to offer me any help but we will see
My GP has prescribed medication but it doesn't really help and can sometime make the ME symptoms worse
I do not look after myself as I did before everything is so much harder he did a lot of taking care of everything that had to be done here at home for me that's impossible to do each day I know It will become harder still he was 66 when he left 67 now I am 64 nearly 65
his pension going his account was what we lived off but he has took that account away now.
Christmas day I was taken into hospital as I was here alone & it all became too much for me I wish I had not of come home after
I am sorry to sound as if I am defeatist but really the thought of my life now without him to end my days with is unbearable wish I knew why he did this too us.

xx

@simply4help. Ok, so you are nearly 65. You are younger than I thought. That’s a positive point in your favour. A career has contacted Age UK (the new name for Age Concern) on your behalf. There is a free advice line open now. The number is 0800 678 1602. You can call them yourself now from bed, or a chair to start the ball rolling yourself. The more steps you take yourself the stronger you will become. In a few months you won’t recognise yourself.

In this situation you have to do everything you can to rescue yourself seeking help where it’s available. Allow yourself 30 minutes a day to feel sad then put your rhino suit on and barge forwards. x

Contact womens aid and age concern. Keep going back to your gp, sometimes it takes time to get the right meds working

BuddhaAtSea in reply
I did look out but couldn't hear any birds no flowers or buds just frost
but sunshine I couldn't eat toast & I can't stop crying that he isn't here
doing things to keep us warm .He was always good around the house
I am constantly wondering where he is and what he is doing almost everyday he would tell me I was his world and he wouldn't be able to live without me well he is doing ok now after 7mths sorry to be so sad

@simply4help I am so sorry you’ve been left in such a horrible place by your ‘D’ H. First of all though I want to say well done for getting 7 months done the line. It might not feel like it, but it proves that you CAN do this on your own! You might not feel happy or any joy at the moment (yet!), but it doesn’t sound as though you had much of that during those 50 years you were together. And wow, that’s an unbelievably long time to be with someone and suffer abuse at their hands. I know it doesn’t feel like this to you, but you are so much better off without him. You are worth so much more!!! And again, it probably doesn’t feel like that to you because his abuse and then abandonment of you has left you feeling worthless and hopeless. And I am so sorry for that. But he hasn’t broken you or you wouldn’t be here!
I am not sure what your financial situation is like, but it is very likely that you are entitled to support from him, pension or otherwise. Please do seek advice regarding this! The Citizens Advice Bureau can be a good starting point and I’m glad to hear that Age Concern has been contacted. OP, you are NOT old, you might have decades of life ahead of you and you deserve to spend those happy!
If you would be happy to share your rough location (by PM if you prefer) I would be more than happy to check if I can find anything locally to you that could be of help.
In the meantime, do keep sharing on here, MN can be a great place of support! x

OP I’m sorry to read you’re having such an awful time. He’s basically broken you, then dumped you.

On a purely practical note, when I have been so severely depressed I can’t eat I was getting cans of soup, heating them up and putting them in a mug. For some reason drinking them like a cup of tea was easier than trying to eat out of a bowl or trying to eat a meal. Could you try this?

I echo PPs above, womens Aid might be worth a pop. You have been systematically worn down to the point where you no longer have any sense of self. Yourself is still there, it’s just been so thoroughly squashed that you can’t find her. She is in there though and you need some help to find her again.

Unfortunately the NHS really isn’t much help to you as far as therapy goes. They lack any sort of framework to help abused women. I have found this out for myself.There will be other domestic abuse organisations in your area though and they might be able to signpost you.

Please please try to eat something and keep yourself healthy. Your XH is a shit and he doesn’t deserve you to be defeated by his evil actions. You deserve to have your own life now you’ve finally got rid. Please cast your net out for as much support as you can get. Unfortunately the system is such that it won’t come to you, and i know it’s hard to ask for help when you don’t feel you’re deserving, but you really are deserving.

Good luck OP. You aren’t too old and it doesn’t matter if you have kids or not, this space is here for you to talk so please feeel welcome to use it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3731473-Some-friendly-words-part-2-Its-over

@simply4help, I echo everything that @SoTiredTonight has said. You could also visit us on the above thread. A group of us are supporting each other through similar difficult times. I am also happy for you to PM me to see if I can do anything to help you with suggestions, messages. There is no need to suffer alone.

The one thing I will say is that you have got to focus on yourself. What can you, carers do to make the house warm. Have you got a pretty throw or blanket or shawl that you can wrap yourself in? The frost is beautiful and I can see a robin jumping about in the sunshine. Can you read a book? An online newspaper? You are on a mental spiral downwards and you have to start climbing up with something small. Eat half a slice of toast, or a piece of fruit. Can someone get you some protein shakes to keep you going. Even a Pot Noodle is better than nothing ! Only you can rescue this situation, as I said above. It is hard, I have been there. You can do this and the more you can do the easier it will get. Your H is not going to spring to your aid. That’s hard to accept but it’s the truth. If you collapse you justify his reasons for leaving and he wins. You have made it through a hard part for 7 months. Now put yourself at the focus of your thinking. x