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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he still interested?

78 replies

Sydney80 · 19/01/2020 23:51

This guy that I'm dating is in his 30s and I'm in my 20s. We met on a dating app and hit it off pretty well. We would text each other daily, flirt, and he would be the one to initiate the conversation for most of those days. One night, I went over to his place for our first date as well as our second date. We cuddled, made out, and had sex on the first and second date. During our second date, I had too much to drink, which led me to the hospital. Things were kind of shaky between us after that situation, but we still talked. Throughout that time, I began to stress about losing him and worried that he was seeing someone else. He started texting me less and I began to initiate the conversations daily. What I did was apologize a lot and had asked for reassurance from him that things are still good between us. He came over to my place on the third date and we had a good time. During this date, we cuddled and talked rather than including sex. He had told me during that time that he felt like I was seeing this as a relationship and that I was taking things too fast. He told me that there seems to be a lot of pressure and "heaviness" to this and that dating is supposed to be fun. I felt bad about that, since this is my first time dating and I told him about that. I also told him that I would stop over-apologizing, asking for reassurance, be less of a people pleaser, and treat this dating experience as a fun thing and not a serious one. He told me that he thinks that we should take a step back and take things slow because of this. He also thinks we should take a step back and take things slow because of him engaging in a hobby throughout this year during the weekends along with working throughout the weekdays, which leaves him less time to spend with me.
He has said that he likes and accepts me for all that I am. He also said that he likes talking to me and being with me. I told him that I felt the same towards him. I told him that I would do my best to visit him once a month until summer comes around when we're able to both see each other more, and then continue that pattern of meeting once a month until this year ends. After that, we'll see what happens. He told me to just letting things come around naturally.

Update: After we had this conversation (above), the following day, he's been the one to text first and has been texting me more often than before.

Out of this whole situation, do you think that he is still interested in me? Does he still want to date me? Should I be worried about this outcome or will things be okay so far?

OP posts:
bumbleboots · 21/01/2020 02:43

Yes

Weffiepops · 21/01/2020 03:49

He's putting you on the back burner so he can look for someone else but can still have you when his needs aren't met. I would quit now

penisbeakers · 21/01/2020 04:05

He's still fine with you going over because eventually he will want to have no strings attached sex with you. Do yourself a favour and walk away now. You're not on the same page.

JorisBonson · 21/01/2020 06:08

This is going to be another one of those threads where people give good advice and OP doesn’t listen to any of it. 🙄

@AlexaAmbidextra, was just thinking the same thing.

Sydney80 · 21/01/2020 11:55

But he came over to my place the third time that I saw him and we didn't have sex, just kissed.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 21/01/2020 12:03

@Sydney80, what are you hoping to achieve with this thread?

user1471449295 · 21/01/2020 13:16

@Sydney80 you need to read and take in all the answers to your thread

mccccaw · 21/01/2020 14:56

He lives 30 miles from you, doesn't see you much, has met you three times (one time you drank so much you ended up in accident and emergency), he's TOLD you he doesn't want a relationship

He's not interested.

He probably didn't have sex with you because he knew you'd take it as a "sign" that he WAS interested in you.

He will slow fade you, I guarantee it.

Where do you honestly see this going?

You've met three times move on for fucks sake

mccccaw · 21/01/2020 14:57

Also don't take it as a good sign that he drives to pick you up

Married men drive to prostitutes in their lunch break whilst navigating their career and a family life.

Men will make an effort for sex.

Namechange8471 · 21/01/2020 15:05

You’re 21 years old, enjoy your youth.

Spend time with your friends, travel, study, work whatever and find a man your own age.

You’re wasting your best years on this man!

Of course he’ll travel 30 miles to shag a 21 year old!

Glitterb · 21/01/2020 15:30

“But he came over to my place the third time that I saw him and we didn't have sex, just kissed”

He also told you that he didn’t want a relationship 🙄

ErinLee93 · 21/01/2020 15:34

There’s a lot of ‘yeah but he..’ is your posts OP. You’re young and obviously quite taken with an older guy who you’ve been on a few dates with. The hospital situation would’ve scared away most men, as they don’t like drama and immaturity in younger women. He’s obviously not a total prick, as he is trying to let you down gently. Nobody is ever too busy during the early stages of dating... you’re getting to know a person and want to spend as much time as possible with them. He’s bread-crumbing you until something else comes along. I don’t mean to sound harsh but it honestly seems like he’s just not that interested but doesn’t want to be a total dick and would be up for having sex with you occasionally. Older guys know what they want, and if they’re really into you, will bend over backwards to make time to see you.
I know it’s hard to swallow but you seem very inexperienced and just take this as a learning curve and try dating a few guys and having more options. Lighten up and try to have fun. And sweetheart, don’t get drunk to make yourself more likeable... the right guy will like you exactly as you are
Good luck and all the best

PinkFluff2 · 21/01/2020 15:50

The fact you didn't sleep together on the third date doesn't mean that he is interested in more than just sex with you. He probably didn't sleep with you that day because he realised how intense you are after 3 dates and didn't want to encourage you to think he is interested in a relationship. He is up for occasional casual sex with you and nothing more.

Guys text people everyday because it's an ego boost, he enjoys the attention. It doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you.

Seeing each other once a month isn't a relationship. If he really liked you he would make sure he saw you frequently, no matter how busy he is.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 21/01/2020 21:25

He loves you. Give him a chance 🙄

Sydney80 · 21/01/2020 21:54

Okay. When he said hi to me last night. I had thought about ignoring the message, but then I felt like that would be rude. Instead, I didn't reply until later on that night and just said hi back. Should I just keep doing that until he stops texting me?
I'm also looking for other people to date as well as reflecting and making sure I don't make those same mistakes again.

OP posts:
Nothavingfunrightnow · 21/01/2020 22:38

I was being facetious. I'm sorry! Please ignore my comments.

Sydney80 · 21/01/2020 22:52

@Nothavingfunrightnow No worries! I know. He's not interested. I'm just trying to accept that and work on moving forward now. :)

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 21/01/2020 22:58

Maybe you shouldn't really be dating anyone until you sort yourself out a bit.
By that I mean, working on your insecurities and lack of self esteem. Maybe seeing a counsellor would help.
You are looking for something from this man (or another man) that they can't give you. Do you even know what you want?

Basically this man is telling you he doesn't have time to see you except for once a month? And yet you are prepared to wait around for him until he does have time.
You don't owe him anything.

You say you drank all that alcohol because you felt more confident being drunk than sober, this in itself I guess is not too uncommon, but surely this isn't the way you want to be in a relationship?

You are thinking you are in a full blown relationship, and are willing to put up with crumbs of attention (once a month) to maintain this so called relationship. He is not making any commitment to you? He is saying he doesn't have time. I think he is just unavailable otherwise he would make time for you.

Deadsouls · 21/01/2020 23:00

Oh....also you are not obligated to keep replying to his texts. You can just end it by saying, 'I don't see this working out as we want different things. All the best etc etc'
Something like that?

Jesskir89 · 21/01/2020 23:51

Op please don't think I'm being patronising but you sound young and naive and I say this because you remind me of me at 22. 3 dates and it's awkward already please move on

penisbeakers · 22/01/2020 02:39

Stop responding to him.

WheresTheWineHey · 22/01/2020 08:37

Are you also @harrietsi and @sunshineonarsinyday ??

ErinLee93 · 22/01/2020 10:29

I would just respond with something along the lines of... I think you’re a cool guy but I think we have different expectations of where this is going.
And like another poster said, I would try working on building your self esteem. Sometimes we seek out guys because we think they’ll help us feel better about ourselves. You seem a little unsure about yourself. I know a few of the comments here might have seemed a little harsh, but it’s something we need to hear in situations like this. Maybe try meeting guys organically, through shared hobbies and interests while you’re building yourself up and working on feeling more confident
All the best x

Pretty112 · 22/01/2020 23:54

I hope you end this OP. Time to forget him and work on you.

qpoweiruaoknf · 23/01/2020 08:55

OP I am going to say something a bit different - he might be interested but whether he is or is not is not the point - the point here is that he is much, much too old for you, not just in age but also in how savvy he is, experience of dating, experience of life. It is a very unequal relationship and it is inevitable he would be in control, and that would not be good for you at all.

My advice is to end things with him not making any assumptions at all about how he feels, because it doesn't matter, really, and find people of your own age to date. And keep it very slow, and read up about relationships and how to treat people well and to choose people who treat you well, and learn about yourself and what you really want from a relationship, and all that sort of thing.

Have fun in groups and see if you meet the right person through a shared interest or a mutual friend or work. I agree with pps, you took a risk going to his house. I would avoid online dating at the moment anyway.