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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wants baby overnight

37 replies

CeramicPrints · 19/01/2020 20:38

Hi All, I’m really struggling with this one. My sons dad broke up with me a few months back, and moved back up to the other side of the country. He works abroad half of the year. When he’s off work, he wants to come and visit his son for 2-3 days at a time, and expects to have him overnight, at my house, and expects me to stay elsewhere. I have made it clear that he have him during the day, once he has spent time with DS with me there. He is usually away for 10 weeks at a time so is it just me or is he crazy to think that he should have a 19 month old by himself over night when he has no idea what his needs are, and he may seem like a stranger to his son. I have asked him to spend more time with him when he’s off work, but he just comes for a few days at a time because that’s what suits him. Do you agree with me, and if so, how can I get him to understand? Or do I just have to accept that he doesn’t understand and be ok with that?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 19/01/2020 20:42

No is a complete sentence.

Is he on the birth certificate?

Let him take it to court for access.

BertieBotts · 19/01/2020 20:43

Just say no. He doesn't need to "understand", that's his problem. If he really is that bothered about access there is a legal process he can go through, but the family courts generally aim for what is in the best interests of the child and would not rule in favour of overnights with a child so young when contact is so sporadic.

Also, he wants to stay AT YOUR HOUSE while you go elsewhere?? For free???? Jog on!! He is being utterly ridiculous. And I might add, possibly with the intention that you'll say no and then he can tell everyone who asks that you're a miserable bitch who won't let him see his child, boo hoo, poor him.

Don't rise to it. Your expectations are reasonable, his are not.

Regular contact before overnights, and where he stays is his responsibility, don't even think of providing it.

Frenchw1fe · 19/01/2020 20:46

He's a c.f. Tell him NO.

DillBaby · 19/01/2020 20:47

He can reasonably expect to have overnight contact but he can’t expect to put you out of your home. It’s his responsibility to arrange accommodation - if he can’t provide it then I doubt a court would award overnight contact.

Frenchw1fe · 19/01/2020 20:47

Where does he stay when he does day visits? Not your home I hope.

CallmeAngelina · 19/01/2020 20:48

He's being ridiculous. Don't give in to him.
Are you living in the home you once shared with him? Is he still contributing to the rent/mortgage? Is that why he thinks he can stay there?

QueenOfTheFae · 19/01/2020 20:48

and expects to have him overnight, at my house, and expects me to stay elsewhere well that's a big fuck off sunshine from me

Sillyscrabblegames · 19/01/2020 20:48

He is mad. No.

Ninjakittysmellz · 19/01/2020 20:49

Fricking hell, that would be a strong no from me.

Ds dad left when I was pregnant and so never lived with us. He visits once a month for the day, but at 18 months old ds was still mega clingy with me so he would maybe take him to soft play for a few hours and that was it. Even now, Ds is 7 and he won’t go overnight with his dad because he doesn’t see him enough to trust him!

carly2803 · 19/01/2020 20:49

umm no.

he is being rediculous

timetest · 19/01/2020 20:50

Absolutely not. Crazy of him to think this is a reasonable request.

user1493413286 · 19/01/2020 20:52

He needs to be a familiar person to your son to have him overnight and why should it be at your house; he should sort his own accommodation out.

BecauseReasons · 19/01/2020 20:52

Just say no. Ridiculous request.

Kittykat93 · 19/01/2020 20:53

Is he for real? Tell him so sod off.

toomanyleggings · 19/01/2020 21:00

Ha ha! Not. A. Chance. No overnights. Tell him you're breastfeeding at night

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/01/2020 21:01

"No, that doesn't work for me".

Footle · 19/01/2020 21:03

Tell him you're breastfeeding at night? Why do these weird posters tell people to tell completely unsustainable lies?

BertieBotts · 19/01/2020 21:05

She might well be breastfeeding at night - I breastfeed my 17 month old at night. But it's not really relevant anyway, it's not a tiny baby who is dependent on breastmilk.

The fact a toddler doesn't have much of a relationship with their father is enough of a reason to start contact off little and often in the daytime and build up to overnights.

TorkTorkBam · 19/01/2020 21:06

Bonkers idea. No. You only have to make him understand that it is a no, nothing more.

Besides, someone coming up with such a batshit idea is probably too bonkers to understand a common sense explanation. Say no, let him whine to his friends, then they can tell him he's a loon.

Tbh, it sounds like a doormat level test not a real request.

If you even discuss it then you are a basic doormat with opportunity for some foot wiping.

If you let him stay at yours then you are a quite a big doormat who has laid down for foot wiping.

If you let him stay at yours with your baby while you go stay elsewhere then you are the world's biggest doormat and he knows he owns you completely and can even do a big poo on you if he wants.

SpillTheTea · 19/01/2020 21:13

He expects you to leave your own home so he can stay there overnight?
I'd laugh him out the door. He sounds like too much of an arsehole to understand.

Footle · 19/01/2020 21:15

I was breastfeeding mine at that age too. But it would be a futile way of fending off contact in this situation.

pointythings · 19/01/2020 21:35

If he wants overnight he has to build up a relationship through frequent and regular contact and he has to sort out accommodation - no court will say it is OK for him to boot you out of your own home for the duration. Let him take it to court.

Heartburn888 · 19/01/2020 21:56

What a cheeky fuck telling you that you have to stay elsewhere while he stays in your home! Wow he has some nerve!!

You do absolutely right saying no. If you don’t think your son will be settled and comfortable with him then you have every right to say no. The poor little thing will be distressed with essentially a stranger wondering where his mum is!

Relay your terms to him again and tell him he can take it or leave it.

Missarad · 19/01/2020 22:16

You could drop lo at his for weekend his son as well. Is he paying maintenance if not then no. If u go to court he will get full weekends when hes home

BecauseReasons · 19/01/2020 22:18

You could drop lo at his for weekend his son as well.

Overnights with the non-resident parent are not recommended at OP's son's age because of the distress it's likely to cause. Children are not playthings to be passed around simply because the other parent wants a turn- it's got to be in the best interests of the child.