Ex wants baby overnight

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Hi All, I’m really struggling with this one. My sons dad broke up with me a few months back, and moved back up to the other side of the country. He works abroad half of the year. When he’s off work, he wants to come and visit his son for 2-3 days at a time, and expects to have him overnight, at my house, and expects me to stay elsewhere. I have made it clear that he have him during the day, once he has spent time with DS with me there. He is usually away for 10 weeks at a time so is it just me or is he crazy to think that he should have a 19 month old by himself over night when he has no idea what his needs are, and he may seem like a stranger to his son. I have asked him to spend more time with him when he’s off work, but he just comes for a few days at a time because that’s what suits him. Do you agree with me, and if so, how can I get him to understand? Or do I just have to accept that he doesn’t understand and be ok with that?

I know from other such situations with offshore nrps that courts tend to award in the favour of the nrp.

I would suggest that unless you want accelerated overnights that you try and find some middle ground. Eg something that gives him greater build up. So maybe day contact visit day 1and 2 then overnight contact.

I'd also suggest that you try and make the transition for your child as easy as possible so things like photos of his dad around. Show videos involving him. Etc. Encourage video calls even though they'll be very short.

Having a blanket ban because he works overseas really is unlikely if this goes to court to be as you'd like.

Likewise if he was Manchester based when you were dating there's a high likelihood that you could be required to make half of the contact travel. So again I personally would avoid court in your scenario.

I am breastfeeding at night! He thinks I should pump. Ds is very clingy and no wonder as he’s used to being with me all the time, we’re not used to his Dad being here so we’re not used to spending time apart. Thank you for all your posts, it really helps me not to doubt myself.

Do not let him use your home.If he wants a relationship then he has to get to know him for short visits during the day but you do not have to facilitate that at your house and the night idea is crazy,he needs to sort out his own accommodation.

Having a blanket ban because he works overseas really is unlikely if this goes to court to be as you'd like.

You'd say no because the kid is only a year old and because, when in the country, the ex doesn't have a suitable place to house the kid, presumably? You're saying that if, as the nrp, I decide to move country, courts would say the RP has to do half the international travel to get my kid to me and pick him up from me (and presumably pay for it)?

IME courts will not force you out of your home so your feckless ex can have contact with a child he’s not or particularly bothered with.

You’re doing fine, you’ve offered day contact to build up to more as your baby is very young and has no existing relationship with his father and would most likely be scared to be left with an unknown person.
I’d say that in writing (and firmly underline that you will not be vacating your home for his convenience at any point), so you have proof you’ve been reasonable regarding contact if he chooses to take you to court.

And I would never in a billion years agree to leaving my house to ex to have contact with my child. Where are you meant to go? Why’s he think he gets to take over your home?

He's basically a stranger to the child.
If he wants to be a part of his life then he needs to make some life choices to accommodate that.

It's 100% up to him to get to know his own child and that doesn't mean you leaving your own house either.
You do everything else for DC, he can step up and make a real effort to be a father.

Have a family member in same situation btw tue court ruled every other weekend while weekend and one night in week if wasnt working away. So I'd find middle ground

So the working away makes things difficult but it is important for them to have a relationship.

If he's 19 months old he's a toddler not so much a baby.

He is his dad and I don't think it's right to have a blanket no to over night contact becuase when will there ever be a good time to start.

I wonder if he has suggested being in your house to make it an easier transition for your child. Same everything except daddy is there instead of mummy. not saying you should have to agree to it being at your house but if you look through a different lens then it does make sense from your child's perspective.

I think you need to approach this with a different mindset or you are happy for over night acces and see if you can find a solution.

Presumably he wants contact in the ops home to avoid paying for accommodation himself. Cheeky git.

So I would support video calls etc as suggested, I would give him access for days as he wishes and I would say he can have overnights when he's both built that relationship and got somewhere to take him.
He cannot use your home.

He wants you to vacate your home? He's mad is he.

Why would you do that. Even asking to stay in your home overnight with you there is a big ask.

I Do think you need to find some compromise that includes working to overnights, as this will ultimately be awarded if it went to court. Plenty of dads have overnight at this age

Thats ridiculous he wants you to leave your own home? Thats crazy just say no. Do you think he’d be that accommodating the other way round?

Your son is too young, it would be distressing, he needs his mum.