Suspicious circumstances

[Thepushover123]

I suspect my H had a one night stand whilst away with work, but I can’t prove it so not sure if I should bring it up?

The circumstances are that he called me in a bit of meltdown state one morning when he was away professing his love etc and was really upset. A few days later he asked me about my social media settings and whether only people I knew could contact me. A month or so later I found some evidence that a woman had made comments on
one of his social media posts, this was a post made whilst he was away. The woman isn’t on social media anymore as far as I can see. All the photos of that trip have now been deleted. I remembered the other day we were out with some friends and I mentioned the place he had been away, he seemed to clam up and then he suggested we leave soon after.

Work on your own self esteem. Watch and observe his behaviour. You could call his bluff like other posters have said. Otherwise, how does he treat you? Is there something about his behaviour which is off?

It takes a very long time to rebuild the trust.
Years!!!
When I suspected ExH of an affair I challenged him.
He denied it.
I kept at it and eventually found all the proof I needed.
Deal-breaker for me and it wasn't just a ONS.

I think you may need to fake an STD.
If it was recent.
You need to get checked any way.
Tell him it feels all wrong down there and you are going for a check and see what he says to that!

I’m the OP but I’ve named changed.

I told him I went to get checked because there was something weird going on down there and they took some samples, he asked what I thought it was and whether I thought it was an infection etc. Then he started being super nice and sucking up a bit. Anyone got any thoughts?

He used a condom with her but is now shitting himself as to what could have been transmitted even so, and is hoping you've just got thrush or something similarly innocuous.

Yep, I'd say he's panicking now. You could say they have mentioned the possibility of a STI.

If you tell him you have an STI, he denies everything, gets tested himself and gets the all clear, it will be hard to move on from! If you don’t want to just ask him outright without any evidence, tell him you’ve been messaged and told about something that happened whilst he was away and take it from there.

I'd be mentioning that it could be a possible STI too and that they'd asked you if you'd had any new sexual partners recently and that if it's positive results that you will have to get in contact with them to let them know. Then keep your eyes peeled for any signs that he gets back in contact with her.

Or if you can remember her name say that you got a Facebook friends request from her.

Sorry you're going through this OP

Posted too soon. My previous post should read:

you got a Facebook request from her and see how he acts when he hears you say her name.

I’d have to ask. It sounds like if he is hiding something then it’s eating him up so I can’t imagine he wouldn’t confess, it’s not like he’s one of those brasen adulterers who thinks their invincible, id sit him down and say I believe I know something, now is the time to make any confessions needed, his ability to lie or tell the truth at this point will determine as to wether you can move forward and give him the floor...

Can't wait to hear what his reaction was. I don't have anything to add other than.. something is definitely off and you need to get to the bottom of it. Hope you're ok OP💗💗

You could say this women has been in contact with you as you know her name? Personally I don't think I could not mention it. It will eat away at you and your relationship will suffer as a result anyway.

I agree with @nameymcnamechangeagain. Tell him you know something happened while he was away and if he values his marriage he will tell you now. Watch and wait. You may also want to say, “Tell me about [mystery woman].

You know that he has breached your trust and likely cheated. I wouldn’t live with this anxiety and uncertainty.

What if he denies it has reasonable explanations,is the accusation itself going to ruin things?

I’m probably in denial about it but I keep thinking he couldn’t do this but the circumstances say otherwise, it seems like maybe 80% chance.

Hi OP. Hope you are okay

I personally think you are jumping to massive conclusions. Your 'evidence' is flimsy to say the least.

To answer your question on whether anyone had been through similar and how you got through it...

I knew my (then) partner had lied about where he’d slept. I was told he had slept with someone, he flat out denied it, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Fast forward a few years later - I was contacted by someone on FB who apologised for sleeping with my partner. Confronted him, he denied it. There was a possibility that it was someone shit stirring for fun (she was a friend of someone who was known to do this). Again, he got the benefit of the doubt, I blocked her and moved on.

Last year, I found messages. He denied there was anything to it (see the pattern?) - I’d read the messages with my own eyes though and they were the messages of someone trying to get into someone’s pants. We split up briefly and reconciled after a health scare.

Less than 6 weeks later I found out he was cheating with one of my friends. Even with undeniable evidence he denied everything - I was a psychopath who wouldn’t allow him female friends, it was all in my head. He left me in a storm of righteous indignation that I could even think such a thing of him.

So, yes, I have ignored my gut feelings and allowed myself to be lied to. If confronted he will either deny everything or admit to something small like a kiss.

As for STIs - first thing I did was get myself checked out, I had inconclusive results - when confronted he lied about that too.

Sounds like the trust in gone in your relationship. When that happens it’s doomed. Sorry.

How you doing OP? Any update?

Always trust your gut feeling. I honestly wouldn't saything anything yet play dumb but keep a very close eye and record everything. And mosy importantly look after yourself ❤

The problem with the STI check is that he may not have actually had full sex with her. So threatening that might not be enough to scare him.
I honestly don't know what I would do but I do know I couldn't ignore this. The evidence is enough to indicate he has definitely done something.
If you cannot find the woman on social media, she may have her privacy set so people cannot search for her.
I think if it was me, I would write down everything you do know from that trip so its clear in your mind. Then I would just tell him that you know he slept with someone and you need his honesty. Even if he denies it, I think his reaction will tell you everything.

Log out of fb and do a plain old google search with her name in quotes. Look at images too.

Hi OP , how is it going, have you spoken to him yet?

When he phoned you in a meltdown state and was very upset, what was his explanation for his upset?

I wouldn't say you have an STD if he hasn't been up to anything then he's going to think you have. Say you are really itchy down there and you're not sure what it is, could it be thrush.