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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Suspicious circumstances

73 replies

Thepushover123 · 19/01/2020 18:03

I suspect my H had a one night stand whilst away with work, but I can’t prove it so not sure if I should bring it up?

The circumstances are that he called me in a bit of meltdown state one morning when he was away professing his love etc and was really upset. A few days later he asked me about my social media settings and whether only people I knew could contact me. A month or so later I found some evidence that a woman had made comments on
one of his social media posts, this was a post made whilst he was away. The woman isn’t on social media anymore as far as I can see. All the photos of that trip have now been deleted. I remembered the other day we were out with some friends and I mentioned the place he had been away, he seemed to clam up and then he suggested we leave soon after.

OP posts:

Herpesfreesince03 · 19/01/2020 20:00

Can you try and blag an answer? Make out that you already know for definite? Say that someone on fb contacted you saying he had an affair? Maybe say that’s she’s screenshotted and forwarded messages between them?

dontgobaconmyheart · 19/01/2020 20:02

Call his bluff OP, tell him you've had a veey detailed and very concerning message from a woman alleging something has gone on, give as much info as you have -see what he does? He sounds shady as anything.

Original poster

Thepushover123 · 19/01/2020 20:04

I think I realised that I really didn’t have nay respect for myself if I just let this go, and not addressing it will lead to resentment.

I’ve been through the timeline of what happened and checked back through my messages. I only know her name from a photo from social media, showing her comment. I didn’t get to see the comment as he had already deleted the post.

OP posts:

mamato3lads · 19/01/2020 20:16

If you know him well enough you'll have an inkling when hes lying surely ? It all sounds really dodgy but I doubt you'll get any answers unless you find this OW

Call his bluff?
Say " I bumped into someone today, she has a few intersections things to say about when you went away for work. ...anything you want to tell me??"

If he says "no" just say oh ok....and leave it there. Let him stew

If he goes bright red and stutters like mone does when lying then you've got a starting point

mamato3lads · 19/01/2020 20:17

Intersections?

Meant "interesting "

Original poster

Thepushover123 · 19/01/2020 20:20

I doubt I will be able to find her unless she contacts me. The picture of her I saw suggested she was native to the country he was in. I’ve made sure all my settings are set to public so she could find me.

OP posts:

azigazigah · 19/01/2020 20:20

Tell him you've been having a few womanly problems have ended up being checked and you've got chlamydia. Tell him you've got it since (insert date of trip) as whilst he's was away you were tested due to same symptoms. His reaction will tell you everything. But deep down you know already don't you?

Original poster

Thepushover123 · 19/01/2020 20:22

That is a good idea, but what do I do if he still denies it and then I’ve got fake chalmydia 😂

OP posts:

Skittlesandbeer · 19/01/2020 20:30

Tell him it’s something that they are testing you a second time for to be sure, since the treatment is fairly serious (side effects, time off, etc). Unless he’s in the medical field, it sounds very believable.

Then, down the track say the retesting was inconclusive and they want to ‘wait n see’ if symptoms persist. It’s not like you’ll be bonking him during this period, right? With what you suspect?

Noshowlomo · 19/01/2020 20:33

@Thepushover123 he will definitely deny it but you know ....
my friends husband did something similar... he said he was sleeping in a car park as he couldn’t get to his hotel and that a tramp injected him and he’s afraid he had HIV and given it to his wife (my friend). He had slept with someone else and my friend had a cold afterwards so he was paranoid he’d given her something.
Chump

Original poster

Thepushover123 · 19/01/2020 20:36

It’s such a cruel situation - unable to move on unless he admits it but also unlikely to believe him if he denies it and then it’s like what do I do now 😞

OP posts:

Original poster

Thepushover123 · 19/01/2020 21:21

Has anyone got any advice on how they moved on after their H denied something like this, but they still suspected?

OP posts:

lilmishap · 19/01/2020 21:23

She may have hidden her profile from search function.

lilmishap · 19/01/2020 21:25

@Noshowlomo Where's the 'what the fuck did I just read' emoji?

A tramp injected him!!

mamato3lads · 19/01/2020 21:28

@Thepushover123

I think suspicion eats away at you. Especially when the suspicions are pretty well grounded. You detach from the person because of lack of trust. It destroys feelings, destroys self esteem. It's a bad place to be.

Original poster

Thepushover123 · 19/01/2020 21:43

@mamato3lads I think you are right 😔

I think I needed to hear from others to know whether they were well founded suspicious or whether I’ve got the wrong end of the stick

OP posts:

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 19/01/2020 22:18

I think I'd bluff as well. Tell him you've got a message, you want to her his version of events and if there is anything he misses out, he is out straight away but if his story matches this other persons you will at least talk it through with him

Herpesfreesince03 · 19/01/2020 22:22

Op I wouldn’t laugh at the ‘fake’ chlamydia. I sent my oh for an std test when I suspected he was cheating. He was acting strange but I honestly convinced myself he was doing no wrong, just wanted him to go through the inconvenience and embarrassment of doing the test to shock him into behaving for once (kept staying out for 3 day benders leaving me at home with a toddler and newborn). Turned out he had caught chlamydia and had given it to me

yogo · 19/01/2020 22:28

I'd do what Ooihthestats said.

Qwerty543 · 19/01/2020 22:58

I suspected my ex. He denied. I never found out. I never forgot about it. It's not why we eventually split but it niggled away and I did bring it up after we split. He still denied it but I found a sexond phone hidden away so I don't believe him. He also did the 'I swear on my mum's life' thing which I've read on here is a classic giveaway.

SummerWhisper · 20/01/2020 01:06

Querty543 sexond phone is a brilliant term for it!

ILoveAScotchEggMe · 20/01/2020 06:53

Querty543 Sexond phone! Legend!

ILoveAScotchEggMe · 20/01/2020 06:58

My ex had a sexond phone.

I already knew he was at it because of his subtle and not so subtle changes in behaviour. I stood on a box and watched him arrive from a dark room through the gap in the curtains. He switched it off and shoved it under the carpet in the car up under the dash by the clutch pedal. I had all the evidence I needed from that but I knew already from my gut and his behaviour. I was already half way out the door and would have gone anyway based on his behaviour alone.

Qwerty543 · 20/01/2020 08:02

That was a typo as well 😂. Freudian slip there.

Original poster

Thepushover123 · 20/01/2020 09:59

I don’t think he had a second phone, but I could be wrong I suppose.

How can you come back from the denial? If the trust is gone, how do you rebuild it?

OP posts:

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