Annoyed when friends tell me I should start dating

[deepdownimabutterfly]

Hello.

I'm 25 and have a 10 year old DS. Don't judge me.

I recently came out of an abusive relationship...well last year... with DS's dad.

To tell you the truth. I have no interest in dating or men (I like men but do not trust them). I'm happy the way my life is, just my DS and I, and my very close family and friends.

However, some friends tell me that I should start dating, go out more, that it's not fair on DS that he's an only child yada yada. They are right, I do need to get out more as all I do is study and go work. But is it wrong that I want to be single ? Deep down, I would love to go out and date for the fun of it. But I'm just not confident with stuff like that.

Kids- to be honest, I'm happy with the one child I have. I would love to have more but I wouldn't be upset if I didn't.

Is it wrong that I like the way my life is ? Should I be more experimental ? Start going out more ? Dating for the sake of it ? If so, where do I start ? I hate bars and clubs, don't drink and clubs are too loud. Online dating not really my thing.....

There is nothing wrong with being an only child. As long as they get to play with other children and grow and thrive in your love (with no pressure to excel as ‘your my only dc’) they don’t need any siblings to be happy. Multiple people I know hated their younger sibling growing up and having to share ‘their’ mum with them!

Re going out you can have friends and hobbies to fill your free time while ds is doing his thing with his pals or at his clubs and hobbies. You could take some up too, be it gym, crafting, book club, whatever, while he’s safe elsewhere.

You don’t need a man to be happy but I think personally I need friends to make me feel my best. Men come and go but good friends are there forever.

You’ve been hurt in the past. Your friends have not lived your life. They don’t know what you went through (or if they know, they don’t understand). So they are basing their advice on what they know. Which may or may not be right for you.

You can consider dating when you’re ready. No rush. As long as your happy that’s great. And if you meet a nice single guy at your (pottery class or whatever) ........!

I agree that it might be time to do some fun stuff for you, but not necessarily dating, and especially not if you're uncomfortable about it. You're incredibly young still, plenty of time to meet someone and have another child, but even if you don't, it's ok to have a single child. Your relationship also ended relatively recently, and was abusive. It would be sensible to establish yourself as happy on your own before you think about dating again. Perhaps working through something like the Freedom Programme, identifying signs of abuse and perhaps ways to avoid being targeted by another abusive man in the future.

If I were you I'd aim for hobby type activities - learning a new skill, doing a sport, music or whatever interest you. Once you're happy and confident in yourself, then is the time to look around.

Elieza and Pollaidh

Thank you for your wonderful advice ! I would love to start dancing again and to learn how to swim. My DS is fearless when it comes to water and is an exceptional swimmer. Whereas I have a huge phobia with water.

With men.... I just don't trust them. They will just use and abuse me like my ex did. I don't have the mental energy to be in a relationship right now.

I want to start enjoying my life and put myself out of my comfort zone but don't know how...

It is often a view in society that women cannot possibly be happy being single and that we all want to find a partner and settle down.

I'm 29, have a 6 year old DS and have been single since he was 10 months old. I do not want a man in my life and I will not date just because it's what society thinks I should be doing.

As PPs have said though getting out and about is a good thing but it doesn't necessarily have to be dating.

I love doing things with my friends. Going out for dinner, afternoon tea. Going to concerts, having weekends away. I much prefer spending my free time with people I know and love than going on dates with people I might not even like.

Oh and as an only child myself, I'm absolutely fine about it and never wished for a sibling.

It's ridiculous to tell you now to have another child for your son's sake. A 12-years-younger sibling is going to be no kind of playmate: at best another call on mum's attention.

I'm firmly of the opinion that people should only have children they actively want (or that their partner actively wants and they are happy about).

As for the partner aspect: you're absolutely right in your own assessment that you don't have the mental energy or headspace for it right now. Perhaps, once you've done the Freedom programme and found yourself again and lived life properly by yourself for a while - and once your son is older - you might feel ready to share your closer life with someone else. Or you might discover how to flirt with the attractive men you encounter, who knows? The point is that it's not good for you here and now.

I suspect that your friends feel - well, not guilty about you, but that it's a small blot on their lives that they have a friend who is not entirely happy, which is how they view someone who isn't in a romantic relationship. They want life to be nice, and having unhappy friends isn't nice (I'm not being bitchy here, I get this feeling A LOT myself) so they're trying to get you to fix it so that they can feel ok about you again.

It's your life to do as you please with. Don't let anyone tell you what to do with it.
Have fun and enjoy your life as it is right now,
I think learning to swim and dancing sounds like a brilliant time to have.

So sorry for all you went through with men. It's no wonder you don't trust them. :(

'Is it wrong that I like the way my life is ? '

Absolutely not! That's how everyone should feel about their life, however they choose to live it. I don't need no man! Please join the Happy Singletons thread.:) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3789560-The-Happy-Singleton-All-welcome

OP you sound extremely sensible, and the dancing and swimming are a great idea. Go and have some fun!