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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He says I’m a liar & a snake?

26 replies

Cuminz1982 · 19/01/2020 16:51

My ex partner left me, slept with a friend twice who offered him a place to stay. I decided to work through it because he was single at the time. I never went that far as having any physical contact with any man, I spoke with men on FB/IG etc (no dating sites) some asked me out & some just chatted (no sex talk). I was very honest with these men & told them I wasn’t ready etc. I told my ex this but not all the details because it felt irrelevant & I didn’t want to upset him. I deleted these messages before we decided to reconcile because they weren’t important to me. He can’t get over the fact I deleted them, I didn’t tell him all the details, & is basically blaming me for not working things out. I deleted them before he was back on the scene & I did lie to him but not to be malicious, but I feel him putting all the blame on me is unfair. I finally admitted all of the details of these messages because he wouldn’t let it go & I have apologised for lying. I will add that he was very jealous & insecure, suffered with ptsd & depression. He hated me going out, wearing make up & always thought I was flirting. & accused me of cheating. He had cheated on me in the past & had messaged other girls in a sexual manner but hand on heart I was never unfaithful & loved him with all my heart. He said he knows his worth, he can’t get over me talking to those guys, lying about all of the details, & my reason for deleting in his opinion was pathetic. Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should forgive me & we should work through things?
Sorry for the long story & I hope it makes sense :)

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 19/01/2020 16:56

Tbh, I think he sounds awful. Why do you want to get back with him?

purpledingyoverboard · 19/01/2020 16:56

Ergghh why are you with a repeat cheater?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 19/01/2020 16:59

He believes you have cheated because he would definitely have done so in your shoes.

I dont think there is any relationship to go back to. He cheats and is jealous and controlling

SleepWarrior · 19/01/2020 17:00

What he thinks and says is irrelevant because after rethinking the whole thing have realised that you know your worth, and are kicking this whole toxic mess to the kerb. Aren't you OP?

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 19/01/2020 17:03

He left you. He slept with your friend. He is controlling and abusive. Get out of this relationship! Let your "friend" have him, focus on loving and looking after yourself and treating yourself how you would expect a partner in the future to treat you. Don't waste your precious time on this useless cock womble

Pinkbonbon · 19/01/2020 17:07

Your partner us a manipulative, abusive shit head.

Know YOUR worth. Walk (run) away (fast and far!).

Lupiaza · 19/01/2020 17:20

Wow, this man is horrible. Please keep him out of your life. You've had a lucky escape.

MitziK · 19/01/2020 17:25

Once the word 'snake' gets used in the context of a woman's behaviour, I say run. Run now. It's incel territory - 'snakes with tits' and the like, reducing you to an animal at best, to Satan for those who have religious belief.

He doesn't have low self esteem. He thinks he's better than you because he has a penis and is quite happy to use it.

Dump, block and when you are ready, go ahead and date whoever you want without thinking of him once, other than using the things he said and the excuses he gave to warn you off similar men.

Bluntness100 · 19/01/2020 17:28

What now? Why are you with this lying cheating piece of shit?

merryhouse · 19/01/2020 17:28

Yeah, this is not a good person to be in a relationship with.

SayitBeit · 19/01/2020 17:30

He's projecting.

Tell him to move on, nothing to see here.

pog100 · 19/01/2020 17:31

What the fuck is wrong with you, that you need to even ask? Why does he get to make the rules for you? Why does he fuck someone else while you are separated and it's ok, you chat and it isn't. Don't even contemplate a relationship with with this controlling, misogynistic, abusive idiot, please!

MzHz · 19/01/2020 17:34

Who taught you that you were THIS worthless that you have to put up with a man THIS awful?

Bin him. Honestly alone is better than being this devalued!

PixieDustt · 19/01/2020 17:39

He cheated on you yet...

He hated me going out, wearing make up & always thought I was flirting. & accused me of cheating*

You don't need someone like this back. You might love him but the fact he has left is a good thing. What you described about him is NOT normal.
Stay away from this dangerous man.

tweedler · 19/01/2020 17:39

Ugh ugh ugh ugh. So many red flags here. Please LTB. Run, run for the hills.

He is a controlling twat, undermining you. You have done nothing wrong and don't need to explain yourself.

He, on the other hand...

doritosdip · 19/01/2020 17:43

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should forgive me & we should work through things?

Yabu- you've provided him with a convenient excuse to end things so he can pretend that it's your fault.

Why would you want to work things out? It's clearly a horrible relationship and should be ended ASAP

NaviSprite · 19/01/2020 17:45

Sounds to me that he wishes you had cheated so he can hold it over you and have you back on ‘equal’ footing, I agree with everybody else here, you deserve better OP, have you heard of the Freedom Programme? I think you should leave him and start rebuilding yourself- you deserve to be happy and from your OP it sounds like all he will bring is sadness.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Ohyesiam · 19/01/2020 17:50

YABU to want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you like shit.
You could have a partner who:
respects you,
treats you as an equal ,
accepts you as you are,
believes you when you tell the truth,
Doesn’t accuse you of the stuff going on in his head,
Is kind to you
Is faithful to you

I too suffer PTSD and understand the issues.
I took six years out of any sexual relationships and worked on myself consistently till I could have good , straight forward relationships, and became able to completely take responsibility for my own fears actions and emotional states.

Being damaged is not an excuse for treating people like shit.

Raise your bar, there is a good man out there for you. Flowers

Bluetrews25 · 19/01/2020 17:54

Nothing worth saving here. Sorry.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 19/01/2020 17:57

He's an abusive manipulative cheating cunt. Bin him off.

Elieza · 19/01/2020 17:58

Walk away. Why would you want someone who doesn’t trust you and who seems to bring more hassle to the relationship than benefits. Not all guys are like this. I know it feels easier with the devil you know kind of thing but this guys not the one for you.

Dump him.

Therebythedoor · 19/01/2020 18:02

If you stay with him he will NEVER let you forget what you have revealed to him. He will use it against you over and over and over. Every. Single. Time. Dump and block him. He is NOT nice. Bite the bullet and do it sooner rather than later because you need to preserve yourself rather than resurrect a 'relationship' with this toxic man.

user3575796673 · 19/01/2020 18:04

He hated me going out, wearing make up & always thought I was flirting. & accused me of cheating. He had cheated on me in the past

He's a bog standard abuser. This is coercive control.

Stop trying to "work things out" (not possible) and get rid of him.

Then do the Freedom Programme and raise your standards.

PinkiOcelot · 19/01/2020 18:18

You’re not seriously thinking about going back to this arse hole are you?!
He cheated on you, slept with your “friend”, doesn’t like you going out, doesn’t like you wearing make up, says you’re flirting, calls you a liar and a snake! Can’t believe you’re even considering it tbh!!

upaladderagain · 19/01/2020 18:37

He knows his worth??? Jack-all, that's what he's worth.
You on the other hand need to know your own worth, and it's a darn sight more than this cheating, malicious gob-shite.
Can you guess what my advice to you might be?

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