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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He says I’m a liar & a snake?

26 replies

Cuminz1982 · 19/01/2020 16:51

My ex partner left me, slept with a friend twice who offered him a place to stay. I decided to work through it because he was single at the time. I never went that far as having any physical contact with any man, I spoke with men on FB/IG etc (no dating sites) some asked me out & some just chatted (no sex talk). I was very honest with these men & told them I wasn’t ready etc. I told my ex this but not all the details because it felt irrelevant & I didn’t want to upset him. I deleted these messages before we decided to reconcile because they weren’t important to me. He can’t get over the fact I deleted them, I didn’t tell him all the details, & is basically blaming me for not working things out. I deleted them before he was back on the scene & I did lie to him but not to be malicious, but I feel him putting all the blame on me is unfair. I finally admitted all of the details of these messages because he wouldn’t let it go & I have apologised for lying. I will add that he was very jealous & insecure, suffered with ptsd & depression. He hated me going out, wearing make up & always thought I was flirting. & accused me of cheating. He had cheated on me in the past & had messaged other girls in a sexual manner but hand on heart I was never unfaithful & loved him with all my heart. He said he knows his worth, he can’t get over me talking to those guys, lying about all of the details, & my reason for deleting in his opinion was pathetic. Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should forgive me & we should work through things?
Sorry for the long story & I hope it makes sense :)

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 19/01/2020 18:49

Abusers tend to trap you in a cycle of trying to prove yourself to them in some way - eg: your innocence, your worth, your honesty, your loyalty. All so you focus on you rather than what they are up to...and what they are. Which is scum.

I don't know where but it might have been lundy bankrofts book now i think about it but there was talk of a study where these sorts had been asked if they genuinely believed these 'accusations' and most said no, that it was just a method of controlling their partner and keeping them 'in their place'.

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