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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being called names

37 replies

Dormers01 · 19/01/2020 14:52

My boyfriend of 2.5 years calls me a fucing cunt and a bich about 4 to 5 times a week. He wakes up in a mood he lost his job and he Gets explosively angry over such small things like the WiFi not working. It’s not emotional abuse like everything else Iv been reading. He’s just frustrated at life and I need to know a way for him to aim his anger at someone or something else. It is nearly every day and he tells me he doesn’t want me and that he doesn’t love me and that I’m an idiot and a cunt. But then when I try to leave he doesn’t want me to go. Any advice on how to try and calm him?

OP posts:
Charles11 · 19/01/2020 14:55

You cannot calm him. He’s responsible for his own actions and behaves like that because he wants to.
He won’t change. You’re better off leaving.

Jaguarana · 19/01/2020 14:59

You've posted this in Ask Me Anything so my question is - why are you with this horrible man? You would be better to post in Relationships. You'll get advice but everyone will say the same as I just have.

iklboo · 19/01/2020 15:13

How to calm him? Boot his arse out of the door.

user3575796673 · 19/01/2020 15:14

No, it is abuse.

FlamingoAndJohn · 19/01/2020 15:16

He is the cunt.
Ask for your post to be moved to relationships. You’ll get good advice there.

MyuMe · 19/01/2020 15:17

Of course he doesn't want his emotional punch bag to leave.

Please leave him Flowers

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 19/01/2020 15:23

Hi OP,

We're just moving this thread over to relationships for you. Flowers

Ells92 · 19/01/2020 15:26

I would give him an ultimatum, stop the shit and abuse or you're out the door for good. You cannot put up with that, what a horrible pig of a man! Doesn't matter if he is stressed or down or angry he should not be doing this to you.

category12 · 19/01/2020 15:26

It is emotional abuse.

He's treating you like his emotional punchbag. It is not OK.

Of course he doesn't want you to leave, who would he vent his spleen at then? How would he pay the bills, given he's lost his job?

Eesha · 19/01/2020 15:36

You can't really calm him as it's in his nature. My ex used to say this when angry or drunk. Interestingly he said it was a common word. When we went for counselling, he was embarrassed when I highlighted it and the counsellor agreed it was abusive. I think you have to think, do you really want to be with someone who describes you so horribly. I've had it and although I'm single now, I know I would never stand for it again.

category12 · 19/01/2020 15:40

Also, you can't manage his behaviour - he's not a child you should redirect or distract. He's a full-grown adult man who is responsible for his own behaviour and is choosing to emotionally and verbally abuse the woman he's supposed to love. Only he can change his own behaviour. Does he even recognise or admit what he's doing is wrong?

MimiLaRue · 19/01/2020 15:41

"calm him"? are you serious?

He's an abusive piece of shit. Bin him off now

JeffreysWorkTrousers · 19/01/2020 15:42

He doesn't want you to leave because he likes abusing you, he knows it is unacceptable and yet you stay. You are his emotional punchbag.

Why would you stay with a man who says he doesn't want you or love you?

Leave the relationship. Trust me, there are much better men out there.

butwhateverfor · 19/01/2020 15:45

You know, really, that you can't stay with him.

I can't say I've had an idyllic marriage, but my husband has not ever treated me that way in a lot longer than 2 years.

TheYearOfTheDog · 19/01/2020 15:49

Being an abusive arsehole to you is a coping mechanism for his own inadequacies and frustrations.

Do not hand your life over as a sacrifice, for the convenience of this arsehole.

My x used to speak to me like dirt whenever I challenged him on anything. Ugly hairy fucking midget, too fucking stupid to cook a ready meal.

I do not miss him. I have never missed him.

He made me believe that I would regret leaving him. GOD KNOWS WHY I THOUGHT I MIGHT REGRET it. I never did.

Leave the arsehole.

12345kbm · 19/01/2020 16:30

That's emotional abuse. If you were in the pub and some bloke standing next to you at the bar started calling you a fucking cunt, would you ask for his number? If it's not ok with a stranger then it's certainly not ok with someone who is meant to love you and care about you. Are his actions those of someone who loves you? I think you need to face reality here and get out of this relationship because he will destroy your mental health. There is no way to salvage a relationship with someone who treats you with such contempt.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/01/2020 16:53

Does he smoke a lot of weed op?

Interestedwoman · 19/01/2020 18:26

'It’s not emotional abuse...

It is nearly every day and he tells me he doesn’t want me and that he doesn’t love me and that I’m an idiot and a c*unt.'

That's emotional and verbal abuse. Please split up with him, you don't deserve this mistreatment.

CandyFlossSkies · 19/01/2020 19:18

It's not your job to calm him down. He should already have the ability to control his outbursts. People shouldn't be hard work like this. Please don't become his emotional regulator. All this work shpuld have been done when he was 2 years old but it wasn't and addressing that is a job for a top psychologist or a psychiatrist, not a partner. Trust me, this will wear you down until it makes you ill.

You have to be able to believe and trust what your partner says. If he calls you a cunt and says he doesn't love you, you should believe him. He's quite expressly told you what he thinks of you. Having you there as a verbal punchbag makes him feel better which is why he tries to stop you from leaving. Unfortunately, if you stay, he will respect you even less than he does already because deep down he must know that this is wrong. Can he hold his temper in other situations with other people? Why did he lose his job?

Bananalanacake · 19/01/2020 22:43

Is he looking for a new job or is he expecting you to pay for everything. If you don't have dc it's easier to get him out. Assuming it's your house.

IM0GEN · 19/01/2020 22:47

As Everyone has said - yes it’s emotional abuse.

You need to leave him.

Heartburn888 · 19/01/2020 22:53

I would be questioning his mental age if he’s kicking off with you over the WiFi not working. Do you live together?

Why did he lose his job? Due to his attitude possibly? It’s not your fault he’s made a mess of his life and you certainly should not taking the brunt of it.

Just remember, by staying with him and essentially accepting his treatment of you, your telling him it’s okay to treat you like this and he won’t stop. Ever. Trust me I know.

Muddyfunker · 19/01/2020 23:52

What a scumbag.

Find someone better 👍🏻

Freezingold · 19/01/2020 23:54

Don’t try and calm him.
Ask him to STOP.

Record these incidents in a journal that is private (password protected).

Don’t get into what he’s arguing with you about at all. That’s not relevant.

If he doesn’t stop. Remove yourself or ask him to remove himself.

Phone women’s aid and speak to them. This is really not okay.

lexiepuppy · 20/01/2020 00:08

He's abusive.

Why are you putting up with this treatment?

We're you abused in childhood by parents or siblings and think that this is normal behaviour?

Has he brainwashed you to think you won't get anyone better than him?

He will ruin your mental health.

Phone Women's Aid.

But the book by Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?

LTB.

Then start loving yourself more. Flowers