Leaving after less than one year of marriage

[Whattodo921]

This morning I made the unfortunate discovery that my husband would never change. I feel like some of this is my own fault, as I did know what type of person I was marrying. We have a 4yo DD together.

Throughout our relationship he has had episodes of cheating or attempting to cheat, and those are only the times I knew of. I forgave him for circumstantial reasons, his DM had passed away, he was depressed, he started an affair with his ex after seeing her again at his DM funeral which lasted 8 months, and I stupidly forgave because my own DM had been diagnosed with a terminal illness (she passed 6 months later) and I did not want to be alone. And of course I didn’t want to break up the family for DD.

Things have been ok for a while but not great. He has periods of drinking heavily and becoming vile and is currently not drinking. If I go anywhere with my DD, he does not want to come and always chooses to stay at home. He’s recently been picking at little things in mine and DDs behaviour.

Early this morning he came home after a night out with friends, I was still awake when he got home and he refused to come up to bed with me, saying he wanted a coffee. I’ve seen this behaviour before and did suspect him. When I came downstairs this morning he had left this phone on the side which he never does so he had obviously been very drunk.

On his phone or messages to a woman he met last night saying she is beautiful and she wants to know her, he’s also looked up anal and sites for shagging women - classy. This morning is the straw that’s broken the camels back, and I’m upset because I’m not upset that he’s done this. After everything I’m mentally just done.

My question now is how to prepare practically for this split, as I don’t want to turn my daughters world upside down. I have screenshots of everything he has done over the years, so there will be no denials.

In terms of living we rent and have no savings. I am due a large sum from my mum later this year and will be able to use this to get back on my feet. I would like to protect this if I can.

I’m told I will be eligible to claim as a single person but I have never claimed any benefit (apart from child benefit) so do not know the system at all. I work full time.

I already do all pick ups and drop offs for DD at school, run the house etc. So I know I can manage this.

I’m just want to get this right for DD so she isn’t affected more than what she needs to be.

I’m a little sad, and feeling lost not knowing where to start and how to take my life back.

If anyone could offer any advice I’d be grateful

No advise I'm afraid. But you are 100% doing the right thing. Goos luck OP

Well done for leaving, sounds like 100% the right decision for you and your daughter. So much better for her to grow up without a moody man niggling at her. I just spent 6 months in therapy working out the damage a childhood spent walking on eggshells has done to me.

No personal experience of the logistics, I'm afraid. Can you afford to rent alone? If yes, I'd start quietly house hunting. If not: chuck your husband out and then start applying for benefits.

Sorry about this, but you sound strong. You can apply for universal credit online and then have a meeting at the job centre. There is a website called entitled to and it will tell you what you might be able to claim. He will have to pay child maintenance, put a claim in asap. Good luck

What do you mean you're "due" a large sum from your mother?

Has your mother died and it's inheritance, or is it a gift (e.g. tour mother inherited and will gift some to you)?

If a gift, she shouldn't make any gifts until you're divorced as all monies go into the 'pot' for division.

If you have already inherited, you will need really clever family law representation to keep it - and may need to make some sort of payment to ex to make him "go away".

Ensure that you divorce using a solicitor, crossing all "i's" and dotting all "t's" with a properly drawn up consent order so that he can't come back for more later.

See a solicitor asap taking along all financial details.

How is he likely to react to you telling him you are divorcing him?

Sorry to clarify in terms of money, my DM passed away last year as a result of clinical negligence, we’re in the final stages of ironing out what it will cost the hospital and myself and my siblings have been told everything should be wrapped up by Easter.

He is likely to deny everything but I have sent screenshots from his phone to mine. Last time I tried to leave him he had had a drink and wouldn’t let me out of our bedroom, so I won’t be making that mistake again.

I want to get all my ducks lined up so I know DD and I will be OK.

He has messaged me this morning (I’m out with DD) and I think he suspects that I know. He is trying to imply that his drink was spiked last night, I don’t believe it for a second.

What would I do? Wait for that inheritance and use it to finance your onward move, and then just go without warning. Does he know this money will be coming to you and how much it will be?

In divorce after a short marriage courts often will decide to put you both back financially into the position you were at the start. This could jeopardise part of your inheritance, although not certain, so don’t spend it all, but that’s if he knows about it in the first place. You could ask the executor to hold onto what part of the funds you won’t need immediately, and give it to you after you’ve completed the financial agreement as part of the divorce

If you work full-time you might not qualify for any benefits at all, depending on how much you earn. Note that whatever you receive in child-support is not taken into account. The “turn-to-us” and “entitled to” websites will give you an idea whether you will be entitled to claim benefits not.

I would advise you to keep your powder dry and not disclose your intention to leave him, not until you have secured your onward move at the very least. Only you know what reaction you might get once you do.

”He’s likely to deny everything”

Really, who gives a shit? You’re entitled to end this relationship for any reason you like or no reason at all. He’s not a judge in court and you don’t need convincing evidence!

I'd get legal advice asap about the money you're due to receive. It may be possible to keep it out of the pot. You may be able to find a solicitor who does a free half-hour initial consultation to get you started.

Since he's imprisoned you before, I would be very careful about how you leave him - speak to Women's Aid. You might also try the Rights of Women for the legal side.

@BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted do I not need any evidence for the divorce? I have zero knowledge of these things. I know I can end it for any reason I like, I just know he will deny it even if I tell him I’ve seen the messages, so I’ve sent myself the screen shots to save myself the frustration!

OP, first and foremost go and see a good family law solicitor and get advice. You need to make sure your money from DM is safeguarded and that you have clear advice in respect of custody options for your DD. I'd say an hour advice, money well spent. Best of luck, you're doing the right thing and are a strong lady. Your DD will be very proud of you 💐

And yes, keep the evidence of his wrongdoing. Send it to your personal email and make sure you're logged out on all devices so he cannot access it if he tries to. Change your passwords to something he'd never guess, just in case.

Do it for your daughter. Good luck.

I’m sorry for your loss @Whattodo921

Leaving him is definitely the right decision. I’d definitely try and get money agreed before you receive a pay out if that is possible.

In your place, I'd probably divorce him for unreasonable behaviour - you need about six examples - these can include him forming inappropriate relationships with other women. I didn't offer any proof with my examples, just statements and approximate dates. The behaviours should be within the last six months. You can use his drinking, and his violence (holding you in the bedroom), his internet use looking for other women etc.

I think in legal terms the sooner you separate the better as he is only entitled to proceeds from the marriage and not anything after you split. However I am in Scotland so it may be different where you are.
Get legal advice ASAP and think of it as investing in your future for the best financial outcome for you and DD. You don't need to prove anything to divorce someone but he sounds very unpleasant so be very careful and don't give him a heads up for your own safety.
The Women's Aid website has great information on how to leave an abusive relationship safely.
Good Luck.

make sure you find a solicitor who specialises in family law . you should get one free hour . Make sure you take a brief statement of what has happened and also your questions so you can make the most of that hour . Perhaps go to citizens advice as well to check if there are any benefits you could claim and help with bills .

you can do this , and you must as he is not going to change .

I’ve gathered over 60 screenshots showing unreasonable behaviour dating from early 2018 to present, there were things before that but I can’t easily find proof. When I look at everything together I feel an absolute fool for marrying him. My mum told me not to sacrifice myself for DD and I wish I had listened. Thank you all for your advice and support I’ll be looking in to all your suggestions

Suzie, you make it sound like there's an entitlement to a free hour - there isn't. Some solicitors offer it as a promotional tool.

In divorce after a short marriage courts often will decide to put you both back financially into the position you were at the start.

This isn't necessarily true.

OP, how long was the (cohabiting) relationship before marriage?

Marriage "ratifies" the prior cohabitation and this can turn a short marriage into a long one, including for financial settlement purposes.

You are going to need a really good and clever family law firm - who are willing to aggressively pursue a favourable settlement to you. Some are too "collaborative" to be helpful in this regard. Shop around.

We have been together since 2014, moved in together and had DD in 2015. I had known him as a friend since 2010.

If you fill in the divorce papers online there are 3 boxes to fill in for unreasonable behaviour. It costs £550 but you can claim this back further down the process. They don't look at your"evidence" so don't worry about that. The best thing to do is speak to a solicitor and women's aid and once you have separated be honest with people who you trust in real life, these little turds are so scared of exposure, it should get him to toe the line. Good luck

To update: I am seeing a solicitor for an hour early next week, not cheap but as others have said it will be worth it. I’ve been advised to see my local council re benefits/help for a single person. DH none the wiser but I think he suspects that I know and is unnerved by my lack of action.

Is there anything else I should consider? Thanks everyone for your advice so far

You are 100% doing the right thing. Best of luck to you . X