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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where do I stand

41 replies

Littlelamb40 · 19/01/2020 09:37

Okay ladies
I've had 8 dates with the same guy I met online. Going really well, I stay over his house make myself a cup of tea at his etc..all the nice things
Slept together on the 4th date (which was amazing)
Met his friends, been to his work etc.
When does this become exclusive? How do I approach the subject? I did kind of bring it up and he said he's happy to keep seeing other and see where each date takes us.
I'm 41 and he's 47.
I'm in limbo and don't want to rock the boat.
Any ideas? Xx

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 19/01/2020 10:11

8 dates isn’t really that long to be fair so he could just be keen to take things slowly. Do you think he might be dating others? Have you asked him if he is?

sunnydays78 · 19/01/2020 10:14

For me I wouldn’t be having sex with someone that was dating others. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that.

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 19/01/2020 10:58

I'm not sure if he's is dating others. I'm not confident enough to ask! Maybe I should, although he hasn't asked me if I'm dating anyone else either.
I did tell him that he's the only one I want to date.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 19/01/2020 11:03

You are going to have the conversation. Tell him you have deleted/frozen (however it's done) your dating accounts and has he done the same? Tell him you'd like to be exclusive. Either he'll agree or not. If not evaluate whether you are happy to continue. (Rehearse in your mind the conversation going either way to prepare yourself.)

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 19/01/2020 11:13

Your right pipandmum, I would of thought he would of brought the conversation up being the guy and would want to know surely xx

OP posts:
Pilot12 · 19/01/2020 11:20

My DP and I had that conversation on our third date, he asked and we agreed we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

Casually ask him if you can change your FB status to "in a relationship" and name him....

You have a right to know if he's still OLD or not if you are sleeping together.

loopery · 19/01/2020 11:23

If you’re sleeping together you have a right to know if he’s seeing other people froma sexual health point of view

ThatThereWoman · 19/01/2020 11:25

I don't sleep with someone without having this conversation tbh. If you're able to let him put his penis inside you, you're able to have a chat with him about exclusivity. And then decide how important it is to you.

ThatThereWoman · 19/01/2020 11:26

and why ask? It isn't his decision. It's yours.

Tell him, you're not going to sleep with him again unless he confirms he's no longer dating.

WTAFFF · 19/01/2020 11:27

I really wouldn’t sleep with him again until he confirms that you are exclusive.

Please just ask him.

dontgobaconmyheart · 19/01/2020 11:31

Well you have brought it up already and he has answered that he isn't sure yet and wants to stay as is (casual dating, not a couple etc).

It seems quite unbalanced if you feel unable to assert yourself at all and can't even ask if he sleeps with other people - that is a real health risk OP. Just because you like him doesn't mean you have to put up with that.

8 dates isn't much but you do need to establish if he is dating elsewhere. It doesn't become exclusive by default after a period of time, becomes exclusive when it is verbally agreed that it is. You'll have to ask him directly OP as it isn't going to be a relationship worth having if you can't talk to him. Just be careful if he doesn't want to commit as you clearly want more and I'd worry he'll take advantage.

Scatterlit · 19/01/2020 11:32

I really don’t see why him being male is likely to mean he should want to have this conversation any earlier than you do, OP?

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 19/01/2020 11:36

So true, I appreciate all the comments and advice. What if he was sleeping with another woman then surely she too would want to know if he's sleeping with anyone else. Eventually he will come unstuck and have to let know he's met someone else? How long could it go on for? I see him twice a week.
I'm going to have chat with him as it's horrible not knowing. Thank you ladies xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 19/01/2020 11:38

We do always use protection when it comes to sleeping together

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 19/01/2020 11:51

I think it’s way to early to be brining it up again. You asked - he answered as well as he could at the moment.
There is a chance that if you insist on pushing this subject he’ll feel you are pushing for some level of commitment he isn’t yet ready for.
I certainly wouldn’t be after 8 days and if anyone would be forcing me into a corner - I’d either be honest and say I am not ready to decide yet, or I’ll leave.
You are 41, there is no rush, no schedule.
Why aren’t you letting the relationship develop naturally?
‘Commitment’ this early into a relationship means nothing. Can’t possibly mean anything anyway - you don’t know each other yet.
And not willing to declare that commitment at this early stage does not have to mean he is out sleeping with a new woman every night.
It simply means that in his head he hasn’t made a decision that the two of you are in an official relationship - meeting families, etc. Means that you are dating and getting to know about each other.

OP - what’s the back story and why are you this insecure? Have you not dated in a very long time?

anotherdisaster · 19/01/2020 11:53

Just ask him op as you have a right to know. It’s not unreasonable or pushy to ask and if he thinks this then he’s not worth it anyway.
Good luck

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 19/01/2020 12:00

MMmomDD yes 8 dates over a 7 weeks period isn't long. Perhaps I should just let the relationship develop naturally.
I want to get to know him but he has to feel the same. I'm prepared to wait and take things slow.
Xx

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 19/01/2020 13:03

Remember you are entitled to the relationship you want. And it's entirely reasonable that means you don't want the man you are having sex with to be dating other women. Don't be afraid to ask. You are an equal party in this relationship.

MMmomDD · 19/01/2020 14:43

@Littlelamb40

Does anything make you feel he doesn’t want to get to know you? By your description of what is going on at this point - he does 🤷🏻‍♀️
I think anyone who starts relationships with demands for immediate certainty of commitment isn’t easy to date. And seems like hard work and highly insecure.
And maybe you would be lucky and the person you are dating would not hold it against you and give you a chance anyway. Or maybe you’ll scare them away.

Why are you already so suspicious - and already questioning is he is seeing others? Were you cheated on in your previous relationships? Why is he guilty unless proven not to be?
Just keep dating.
At some point - say at 4-6mo mark - it would be quite obvious if you have become a couple or if it’s all still casual. Then a conversation about it would make more sense as you both would have had time to get to know each other.

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 19/01/2020 15:19

It's quite hard to communicate with him as it takes him 24 hours or so to get back to me, sometimes longer. I spent the evening with him last night at his and watched a movie etc. No plans as to when we are seeing each other next. I was hoping he would arrange one🤷‍♀️...I think I know my answer and that's to move on. X

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 19/01/2020 15:44

OP - what is your relationship history?
You seem to jump to quick conclusions and have expectations of things to proceed at a certain speed.
Your original post said ‘its going really well’, you already met his friends - and that is after only a few weeks of dating.
Now - just because you two haven’t arranged next date yesterday as you spend the them together - you want to end it.
This is either an overreaction, or there is something you aren’t mentioning that is going on.

Sugarcainx · 19/01/2020 15:48

Just ask, don't let him have all the say. If he says yes, great, if he wants to 'see how it goes' for longer, figure out how long YOU are prepared to give him, if he says no you have your answer. It's a perfectly normal question to ask.

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 19/01/2020 16:03

My relationship history is a long term one for 10 years and completely sexless apart from conceiving our daughter. We split up 5 months ago.
I'm a little insecure and do jump the gun a bit, that's my weakness 😞🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 19/01/2020 16:03

My daughter is 8

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 19/01/2020 16:17

It doesn't sound like you are being insecure. You can't talk to this man about something as basic as if he is sleeping with someone else. He doesn't respond to your messages and he hasn't arranged another date. You know whAt your gut is telling you here.

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