Are my hormones normal. My husband thinks not

[HGranger]

We are suffering real issues in our marriage at the moment. We are looking at marriage counselling and my husband is looking at getting anger management help. But as part of our agreement on how we proceed to try and positively change our situation, he has asked I get help with my hormones. I have no issue with this, but I don't think my hormones are massively out of the ordinary.

I suffer from the normal stuff, feeling a bit withdrawn, a bit snappier and irritable. I do feel a bit gloomy and problems can seem bigger than they are. I am more prone to tears. But I dont think I'm awful with them, and actually the above is a summary from my husband. I'm not a female version of the tasmanian devil. Is this really totally abnormal or just what everyone else experiences?

If it isn't normal, what can I actually do about it. I dont want to go on hormonal contraceptives as they so make depressed. He had suggested acupuncture, but I really don't buy into that sort of stuff.

How about trying Starflower Oil (herbal supplement), lots of women find it helps with pms symptoms.

Thank you @ZoeandChandon I will try that.

I think I can be unreasonable at times, I also thinks he finds it very difficult to deal with me when I'm feeling low or upset.

Agnus Castus can help with PMT.
No harm in giving it a try.
However, be wary of him accusing you of being "hormonal" if you're actually having a very normal reaction to his shitty behaviour.
Good luck.

What sort of things make you feel low or upset?

@HGranger

You say your husband is going to go to anger management.

What anger issues does he have? How does he act and what does he do?

do feel a bit gloomy and problems can seem bigger than they are. I am more prone to tears
long periods so they feel like they go on forever

Worth a chat to the dr - could be thyroid issues or low iron causing the gloom & tears.

Thank you @Ouchaheadinmybehind. I've meant to go for a while.

HGranger

Its not you or your hormones for that matter, its your H. Why is he supposedly looking at anger management?. Who does he get angry at primarily, my guess is that he reserves all his hate and bile for you and you alone. AM courses are also no answer to domestic abuse. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. He is using any potential hormone issue here against you.

Re your comment below:-
"Overall I'm pretty unhappy in my marriage. Things have been very difficult since we had our daughter two years ago, and I'm trying to work out why and what to do. We are at last chance saloon and I think we need to put in place firm parameters of what we think will help improve things, so if after a certain period things haven't changed, we agree we have tried and need to call it a day".

Abuse often ramps up further during pregnancy and after childbirth.
There is no we here in all this; this is you trying to fix this which is unfixable. Its not your fault your H is abusive and you did not make him that way.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What you need to do ultimately is to leave your abusive husband. Your child cannot afford to grow up seeing her father abuse you as her mother. What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here; would you want her to marry and or have a relationship with someone like her dad?. No you would not, its not good enough for you either.

The thing with PMS is it intensifies all our normal emotions

This!!

I wouldn't say I feel like you every period OP but maybe 1 in every 3 or 4 and it is dependant on how I'm feeling generally. So if I'm a bit more tired that normal or more stressed/busy with work or life in general then I'm more likely to be "moody" when I get my period.

I was however like this permanently (as in 24/7/365) when I was on the contraceptive I he ruin which was why I stopped having it after a year!

I remember you and the following is what I wrote to you in December 2019.

"What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here from you two?. I feel most sorry for your DD in all this because both you and her dad her are failing her. Do not keep on showing her this relationship model you are currently in. She certainly won't say "thanks mum" to you for doing that and she could well wonder of you why you put him before her thus ruining your own relationship with her also. These are questions you could no doubt ask your own mother as well.

Your alcoholic parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships, not least of all codependency and feeling super responsible for him. However, after living with them, this 18 year old who showed you some affection was a far more attractive proposition than life at home. You sadly went from one abusive situation into yet another and your own poor boundaries made you far more vulnerable as a result. He knew this and targeted you deliberately to abuse.

His needs here are NOT more important than yours or your child's. Your last sentence in your initial post is the sunken costs fallacy and that is basically causing you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Fear of him and fear of the unknown and or being "alone" keep women within abusive relationships amongst other reasons but these are still not reasons to remain with him. No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.

The first step out is often the hardest one to take but take it you must.
Please contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 because they will help you and they will help you with a safe plan of exiting this relationship. I would also look into obtaining non molestation and occupation orders against this man too".

@AttilaTheMeerkat ultimately I think you are right. To be honest I need to do this for my own sanity. That might not make any sense.

My hormones were all over the place after having baby number 3. Agnus castus really helped. I’m mid 30s

You and your hormones is for you and your gp to discuss
But not on basis of what dh says

Also see a counsellor first and work out why you snappy and negative...you may realise if you ditch dh things improve dramatically with no need for hormonal manipulation

@HGranger - Ask yourself this.

Are you doing this for your sanity? Or are you trying to justify repeating a family pattern that is incredibly hard to walk away from?

@AttilaTheMeerkat writes sense, as always.

If you were to go to your GP and tell them My husband has told me I have to come and get my hormones sorted because I get easily upset and he will go to anger managenent, I think they might have quite a bit to say about it.

Hormones, huh?

Is that the hormones that fluctuate before periods meaning that I no longer have the hormonal protection that allows me to tolerate your bullshit?

I have now read your other threads and regardless of the PMS issue, he is clearly abusive and you should LTB.

Don't let him convince you there's anything wrong with you. What you describe is natural/common. If you're unhappy with the moods yourself then you could see your GP. I think if women suffer with PMS really badly, they sometimes put them on an anti-depressant. But it's your choice if you feel it's an issue you want to see a doctor about. You're not the one with major anger issues etc. It sounds to me like he ants to make you doubt yourself, or blame you for stuff by saying this.

Germaine Greer says PMS is a 'culture bound syndrome.' I don't necessarily agree ith her, but as PP's have implied, what she means is that the idea of PMS allows women to for a few days express slightly more the feelings we hide/suppress the rest of the time.

😭😭😭😭😭

@PicsInRed That's worth considering actually. I think it lower's women's inhibitions and their normal filter disappears.

Lowers*

Are you doing this for your sanity? Or are you trying to justify repeating a family pattern that is incredibly hard to walk away from?

AttilaTheMeerkat writes sense, as always.

My thoughts too.

It's quite obvious he's abusing you. The fact you're trying to appease him by going along with this when you know it's not hormonal because your feelings are in direct response to his abuse shows how deeply controlled you are.

Going along with this is allowing him to keep abusing you and your daughter.

I think you know that.

It's not even necessary to read old threads to see this is abusive; that's how transparent what you've described here is.