Coming out of a relationship with a Narcissist

[PollyJean]

I have recently finished a relationship with a Narcissist and am in need of a bit of support. I’d really appreciate advice from others who have broken free from this kind of relationship. I have loads of questions running through my head and Google isn’t giving me all the answers!

I have just been discarded by my Narc after nearly two years. No explanation. He has just ghosted me. He could be sick or dead or in terrible trouble but actually I have realised who and what he is and I have been discarded.

1. Do narcs try to hoover you back after you have been fully discarded?

1. How do you come to terms with never knowing what caused your narc to devalue and discard you, when you were the same all along?

1. How can you ever trust a new person after your narc seemed so lovely and the perfect soulmate during the idolisation phase?

1. How do you build your self esteem back when you realise that all of those compliments were false? He didn’t really think I was beautiful and talented...?!

1. Does a narc do everything intentionally? Was the lovebombing intentional or did he genuinely care about me?

1. Why would a narc return to another supply that he finds less interesting, less physically attractive, less intelligent?

1. Can a narc ever truly love? Can he love his child? Can he love his pet?

1. Do narcs love themselves or hate themselves? I think that my narc hates himself but isn’t that the opposite of the definition of a narcissist?

1. Will my narc miss me? Doesn’t he feel guilty about how he has treated me?

10. Has anyone ever decided to seek revenge against their narc for the narcissist abuse they have suffered? If so, what did you do?

11. Are narcs more likely to be misogynists? More likely to have a Madonna whore complex?

12. What’s it like being a friend of a narcissist? I don’t have any narc friends. I wonder how my narc’s friends perceive him.

13. In the lovebomb phase, my narc confided in me that he can be cruel, selfish, cut people off, etc. Can he really be a narc if he’s that self aware?

14. Are there different degrees of narcissism? A bit of a narc? Very narc? A complete narc? NPD?

15. Did he choose me or did I (very empathic, kind, gentle, likeable, full of love, dreamy) chose him?

Your answers would help so much. Even if only one jumps out at you, please do reply!

P.S. I’m in therapy and will be discussing the breakdown of my relationship (ie, my discarding) with my therapist.

16. After you were discarded did you bother to ask them why and try to get answers or closure?

17. What is more likely, a) he moved on because he found a newer shinier supply or b) he got bored of me/decided I was no longer on a pedestal?

It took me a while to realise there was no point in trying to unpick it all, (I was still focusing on him) and to just not bother and concentrate on making myself happy again. Best wishes to you xxx

Been there and got that T-shirt... All I can suggest is that you let go of him and stop torturing yourself by asking one thousand and one questions. You'll never figure it out, because you are a normal, healthy person.

Instead focus on detaching, detaching, and detaching some more. And taking care of yourself by putting yourself first. Also read about co-dependency, e.g. Ross Rosenberg.

Thank you both. I’m the kind of person who heals by making sense of things though. I want to understand why he’s that way and what actually happened. I think if I understand it then I’ll be less likely to be hoovered back in, less likely to have a similar relationship with another narcissist and less likely to blame myself.

Check out Dr Ramani on YouTube as she has q&a that would answer your questions. Also Elinor Greenberg on Quora

As for love, I think narcisstic individuals love in a shallow, superficial way, even with their children. They cannot put the needs or anyone else ahead of their own unless it suits their agenda or image. I understand the need to process events however try to focus your thoughts on yourself.

Count yourself lucky you were discarded before commitment..it could be that they felt you were getting wise to them as this is usually a trigger for devaluation and discard.

I have been through this.

I think the main question to ask yourself is what red flags did you miss? So that it won't happen again.

This book will answer most of your questions:

docs.google.com/document/d/17UbtrBJfwm2HwdkH1UkUbopvu4ehndA9Ib_7n-Q_ARM/edit?usp=drivesdk

However, I would reiterate that focusing on yourself and your real needs would be more beneficial and rewarding than trying to understand the motivations of a narc.

There are many, many books that will answer these questions, many YouTube videos’s too. The best book I read was From Charm to Harm: And Everything Else in Between With a Narcissist: Volume 1 (Narcissistic Abuse and Recovery) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1523820179/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Bn6iEb6M40A99?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

My only advice other than that is to totally give up trying to analyse anything about them, or anything that happened and just accept that they are a narcissist. They are deeply damaged, complex people with a severe personality disorder, and each one is different.

The bottom line is that they are cruel, unkind, unhealthy, selfish people and that you did absolutely nothing wrong.

I would recommend watching these narc channels on Youtube:
Surviving narcissism
Dr Ramani Durvasula
Richard Grannon
Sarah Speaks
Narc Survivor
Melanie Tonia Evans

Also buy the book Should I stay or should I go by Dr Ramani Durvasula.

1. You will get hoovered , it may be days, weeks or years before they get back in touch.
2. There are different types of Narcisissists.

Covert- Quiet, manipulative Overt- Loud, arrogant Somatic- obsessed with sex and their body Cerebal- Intelligent but condescending. Malignant Narc.

We are all on the spectrum for narcissism, but it will go from healthy to personality disordered.

I would definitely block and delete him out of your life.

Go No Contact .
Research trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement, also object constancy.

There is a lot of information out there on NPD, but also research cluster b personality types Psycopaths/sociopaths/ Narcs/ Dark Triad/ Machiavellian.

You need to detox him out of your life.
Good luck.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't believe someone would be so cruel as to just ghost someone after two years. You deserved an explanation.

NPD is a rare personality disorder and, personality disorders tend to travel in packs. They will probably have others depending on how their pathology presents.

Everyone is narcissistic to a certain extent and have to be to survive, the problems occur when they are excessively so. He may be personality disordered, his behaviour is absolutely terrible and he's obviously not a good person who considers others.

I think rather than focusing on him, the issue is you and why you put up with someone so selfish and inconsiderate for so long. I think that's where therapy would really help. I doubt his behaviour came out of nowhere and you are still centering him, instead of yourself.

He may come back and try to 'hoover' you in order to stroke his ego. He doesn't respect you and has treated you with the utmost contempt so I can't imagine him giving any thought as to how you may feel. If you met up with him for 'closure' you wouldn't get the truth anyway. He may project a lot of negativity onto you, it's doubtful he would take responsibility for his behaviour because if he was that kind of person, he wouldn't have treated you like that in the first place.

It's more interesting that he told you exactly who he was at the beginning and you decided to be with him anyway. Bring all your energy and focus onto that. Take responsibility and own your part in this. You didn't take care of yourself here. Why not?

1. Do narcs try to hoover you back after you have been fully discarded?

sometimes, but only when you look like your moving on. Before that there is no challenge, so nothing to massage there sense of ability to manipulate you til they win. Broken you isn't a challenge. If they don't try to win you back, they can also stalk you, even if in another relationship. Take no shit & fight back at the first sign of this. Spiked tires finally saw mine off as he paid for his actions.

1. How do you come to terms with never knowing what caused your narc to devalue and discard you, when you were the same all along?

Counselling. It's not about what caused them to devalue you, that is about them, but it is all about what made you a target.

1. How can you ever trust a new person after your narc seemed so lovely and the perfect soulmate during the idolisation phase?

by recognising what made you vulnerable & understanding it. Counselling

1. How do you build your self esteem back when you realise that all of those compliments were false? He didn’t really think I was beautiful and talented...?!

your self esteem needs to come from within you, not from outside sources. That would be part of what made you a target, you need to address that

1. Does a narc do everything intentionally? Was the lovebombing intentional or did he genuinely care about me?

Yes it would be intentional p, probably a script he's used many times before. No he didn't care about you. He isn't capable.

1. Why would a narc return to another supply that he finds less interesting, less physically attractive, less intelligent?

because he can, because they've moved on & winning them back feeds his ego, because he's a cocklodger & it's easy digs for him

1. Can a narc ever truly love? Can he love his child? Can he love his pet?

No, deep down they cannot love themselves as they are very damaged people, so are not capable of truly loving someone else, they need to be in control & truly living, would make them too vulnerable.

1. Do narcs love themselves or hate themselves? I think that my narc hates himself but isn’t that the opposite of the definition of a narcissist?

Both

1. Will my narc miss me? Doesn’t he feel guilty about how he has treated me?

he'll miss what you can do for him. He has no true understanding of guilt.

10. Has anyone ever decided to seek revenge against their narc for the narcissist abuse they have suffered? If so, what did you do?

move on, live my life & be happier, successful, have a family & generally forget they ever existed though I might have spiked the tyres of the car he kept parking outside my window & didn't say no when a "heavy" was offered to take him down a back alley & threaten to crush his fingers (musician) on tge same day

11. Are narcs more likely to be misogynists? More likely to have a Madonna whore complex?

Mysoginist, yes. Maddonna whore complex, not necessarily, but possible

12. What’s it like being a friend of a narcissist? I don’t have any narc friends. I wonder how my narc’s friends perceive him.

In my experience they don't have genuine friendships, but acquaintances. Acquaintances don't know them well enough & many won't see through the bullshit, some more astute one won't like them though & will see through the bull. It can be surprising who that can be, their DM in one instance

13. In the lovebomb phase, my narc confided in me that he can be cruel, selfish, cut people off, etc. Can he really be a narc if he’s that self aware?

yes, it's a myth that they aren't self aware. They are, but they lack empathy, so they shit in you anyway because it's fun & makes them feel big

14. Are there different degrees of narcissism? A bit of a narc? Very narc? A complete narc? NPD?

Id day so, but that could depend on how close you are to them

15. Did he choose me or did I (very empathic, kind, gentle, likeable, full of love, dreamy) chose him?

He targeted you because you were vulnerable, he saw kindness as weakness to be exploited, but also sensed a deeper vulnerability in you

I hope that helps, but I can't recommend counselling enough, it will help you piece it all together & move on without risk of falling for this or any other Narc ever again. Trust me there is life after this & it is a whole lot happier, just be kind to yourself, nurture yourself & give yourself time to heal.💐💐💐

16. After you were discarded did you bother to ask them why and try to get answers or closure?

i tried, I had a meeting with him to confront him, he was playing Mr reasonable on the day. Something weird happened though, I remember looking into his eyes & seeing the sky etc reflected back at me. Nothing else. It was like some sort of weird epiphany. His eyes reflected back the world around him, they were not windows to his soul, because he had no soul. So I didn't bother & told hi to go. He didn't like that as I was spoiling his game, but it felt powerful to have my answer & see him fir what he was

17. What is more likely, a) he moved on because he found a newer shinier supply or b) he got bored of me/decided I was no longer on a pedestal

it really doesn't matter, just be gratfeul that he has moved on

Quora.com has loads of info and advice on narcs, its a valuable resource when you're feeling crappy

OP, so many of your questions are about the narcissist. To properly recover, you need to shift your focus to you.

Your wounds. Your healing. Your future.

Not their motives, feelings or past/future.

I second Dr Ramani

My STBXH is definitely narc and he cheated a year ago and is now with the OW. We were together for 19 years.

After going round in circles I now come to the conclusion that whatever I did was always wrong and he belittled me and gaslighted me.

He is the one with the problem. I just hope that I can better identify the traits for next time

I agree with there likely to be more than one thing going on with your ex.

My counsellor commented that from my description, things I'd dealt with & was dealing with, mine sounded to at least have psychopathic traits

5. Does a narc do everything intentionally? Was the lovebombing intentional or did he genuinely care about me?

Yes, they have a desperate need for attention and admiration, akin to addiction to drugs, so will do and say anything to get that attention. It is a powerful and compulsive motivation and this drives their destructive behaviour. Think of addicts and what they are prepared to do to get drugs? You stopped being a "supply" so you were dropped.

How they go about it depends on their skills, e.g Ex is very intelligent and a good chess player so he is able to be strategic. His goal is to maintain a constant stream of attention & admiration so when he meets people who can provide this he will see their vulnerability and become the perfect mate.
For example Ex is now with a woman who is very wealthy and has career success (so her connections will elevate his position so he thinks he will be admired more) however he has spotted her vulnerabilities and the lovebombing is targeted to this. I can now "hear" it so clearly because I am removed from the situation.
Disordered individuals (as in Exs case) most likely had an abusive childhood and to survive they learned how to scan a situation and moderate their behaviour so that they reacted in a way to secure their survival. They were shown no empathy or compassion so the usual triggers that stop people from hurting others don't exist or are under developed. I also think there is a genetic factor as not all people become disordered.

Narcisstist individuals can escalate their behaviour to become more malignant, I never foresaw how bad he could get. In my case Ex became pathological, as I ended it before he was ready so he desperately sought new supply and had to prove to OW I was this awful person. The extent of his lies and actions were shocking but it had the benefit of proving to others how disordered he was and shattered any illusion I had that he was "normal". Now that he has supply he is mostly back on an even keel. He tries to provoke me (which fails) but I suspect that it when he hits issues in his new life.

There were red flags that I missed and I was definitely naive and too trusting. When alarms bells rang I didn't listen as wanted to believe the soulmate story. This was my mistake and came from a lack of valuing myself. What signs did you miss?

Narcissism should be a crime, the way they completely tear peoples worlds apart. My ex is a full blown narcissist, does everything textbook. You will never get any answers, I’m in the thick of it right now & still trying to work out how to be free from him. I’ve been posting (“please don’t judge, advice needed”) it’s hard for people to understand unless they have experience with narcissistic abuse. Quora is good for getting an insight into how these parasites operate, gives you quite a few lightbulb moments & all becomes clear & you think how the fuck didn’t I see this before. I tell myself it’s not me with the problem, it’s him, there’s nothing wrong with me. It helps a bit but you feel totally cheated out of the life you thought you was going to get. Can’t offer any great words of wisdom or advice as I’m in a shitty situation myself & finding it hard to break free from him but it is slightly easier once you know they’re a narcissist.

Ah & question 10... I have the opportunity to do this right now (everything is in my post) I could expose him for being a lying cheating manipulative person & cause a massive “narcissistic injury” which has the potential for me to be discarded permanently (that’s what I hope) but people on my thread seem to be against it so I still don’t know what to do

I remember looking into his eyes & seeing the sky etc reflected back at me. Nothing else. It was like some sort of weird epiphany. His eyes reflected back the world around him, they were not windows to his soul, because he had no soul
This also resonates with me, I see black when I look into his eyes, just black to match his black empty soul

@Muddlingthrough32 I have the opportunity to do this right now (everything is in my post) I could expose him for being a lying cheating manipulative person & cause a massive “narcissistic injury” which has the potential for me to be discarded permanently (that’s what I hope) but people on my thread seem to be against it so I still don’t know what to do.

Not a good idea. Antagonising a narc rarely ends well. You are too emotionally involved and chances are you'll only end up getting hurt more.

Just walk away and look after yourself.

So sorry. I married and divorced one. I'm an empath too and I definitely attract them. The answer to not getting involved with another one is to try to try to slow things down during the initial phase of the relationship as much as you can, be aware that they could be lovebombing you and pay more attention to actions than words, build trust and wait until they've shown you they genuinely care about you and your feelings before taking the relationship any further. And the minute you see signs of devaluation don't make excuses or try to justify their behaviour get out straight away resolve never to go back and start no contact/grey rock immediately and then never give them another minute of your time or a second thought, theyre not worth it and they don't deserve it!

I find this thread very painful to read, having escaped a narcissist after going back 3 times.

They never love anyone, they only love what you are giving them. It’s not personal, they are incapable.

My ex also had black eyes - nothing in them, they only lit up when he was getting things given to HIM.

I’ve had months of therapy as I realised that I had shit self esteem and shit boundaries and didn’t feel complete on my own. I’m fine now and will never, ever let myself be with someone like him ever again.