Coming out of a relationship with a Narcissist

[PollyJean]

I have recently finished a relationship with a Narcissist and am in need of a bit of support. I’d really appreciate advice from others who have broken free from this kind of relationship. I have loads of questions running through my head and Google isn’t giving me all the answers!

I have just been discarded by my Narc after nearly two years. No explanation. He has just ghosted me. He could be sick or dead or in terrible trouble but actually I have realised who and what he is and I have been discarded.

1. Do narcs try to hoover you back after you have been fully discarded?

1. How do you come to terms with never knowing what caused your narc to devalue and discard you, when you were the same all along?

1. How can you ever trust a new person after your narc seemed so lovely and the perfect soulmate during the idolisation phase?

1. How do you build your self esteem back when you realise that all of those compliments were false? He didn’t really think I was beautiful and talented...?!

1. Does a narc do everything intentionally? Was the lovebombing intentional or did he genuinely care about me?

1. Why would a narc return to another supply that he finds less interesting, less physically attractive, less intelligent?

1. Can a narc ever truly love? Can he love his child? Can he love his pet?

1. Do narcs love themselves or hate themselves? I think that my narc hates himself but isn’t that the opposite of the definition of a narcissist?

1. Will my narc miss me? Doesn’t he feel guilty about how he has treated me?

10. Has anyone ever decided to seek revenge against their narc for the narcissist abuse they have suffered? If so, what did you do?

11. Are narcs more likely to be misogynists? More likely to have a Madonna whore complex?

12. What’s it like being a friend of a narcissist? I don’t have any narc friends. I wonder how my narc’s friends perceive him.

13. In the lovebomb phase, my narc confided in me that he can be cruel, selfish, cut people off, etc. Can he really be a narc if he’s that self aware?

14. Are there different degrees of narcissism? A bit of a narc? Very narc? A complete narc? NPD?

15. Did he choose me or did I (very empathic, kind, gentle, likeable, full of love, dreamy) chose him?

Your answers would help so much. Even if only one jumps out at you, please do reply!

P.S. I’m in therapy and will be discussing the breakdown of my relationship (ie, my discarding) with my therapist.

I'll take a bash. I lived with two at the same time ('friend' and guy I was seeing). Had a gran who was one. And had a long term relationship with one. All before the age of 24. Since then (having found out what they were) I have studied my ass off about them too to better spot them sooner. And did a lot of self work obv. I have come across several more in short term dating senarios and in the workplace since. But at least I can see them for what theya re now and run.

1. Do narcs try to hoover you back after you have been fully discarded?

Usually at some point, yes. In the scenario you are in, I suspect he may re-appear with a shit excuse for why he ghosted or some shit about his feelings or some other women 'luring' him away with her magical fanny. Or some other bs. He may still be seeing her but on a break at the time too. Look up 'narcissistic triangulation' incase it ever becomes relevant. Or sometimes they just show up years later, acting like you are some long lost friend they want to catch up with, like none of the shit they did ever happened.

1. How do you come to terms with never knowing what caused your narc to devalue and discard you, when you were the same all along?

It isn't about you. None of it was ever really about you. That's what you have to come to terms with. There is something fundamentally lacking in them. They are a cup with a hole in it.

1. How can you ever trust a new person after your narc seemed so lovely and the perfect soulmate during the idolisation phase?

Learn about narcissists. Read everything. Watch youtube videos. You will start to pick up on fundamental red flags that are common amongst them. Ps: and im not talking about love bombing, because not all narcissists love bomb.
The more you learn the better. And keep reading, thoughout your life. To refresh things. You also have to work on yourself, your own boundaries. And learn to always listen when your gut tells you something isn't right.

1. How do you build your self esteem back when you realise that all of those compliments were false? He didn’t really think I was beautiful and talented...?!

He may well of thought those things. He just didn't necessarily care. He said them to make you drop your guard and trust him and to get you to like him. With narcissists in the beginning it is all about getting you to like them and put them on a pedestal. They say whatever they need to to achieve that.

1. Does a narc do everything intentionally? Was the lovebombing intentional or did he genuinely care about me?

Does a lion hunt gazelle intentionally? Arguably. But also, because it is simply in it's nature. It is who he is.

1. Why would a narc return to another supply that he finds less interesting, less physically attractive, less intelligent?

Sometimes people fancy a change. You also have to remember that narcissists tend to jump between idealising and devaluing people. They are never happy with what they have (a good way to spot them)

Also my ex could tell me his ex was thick as bricks one minute and that actually, I should be more like her the next. They have an agenda. Good luck working it out! Best not to bother.

1. Can a narc ever truly love? Can he love his child? Can he love his pet?

Im inclined to say no. Children are sometimes viewed as extentions of them...and that's as close to love as it can get for them. But if the child poorly represents them or 'embarasses' them...all that can change in an instant.

1. Do narcs love themselves or hate themselves? I think that my narc hates himself but isn’t that the opposite of the definition of a narcissist?

I believe it is so ever changing that they never truly know. I disagree with the popular opinion that they are governed by shame. I think they mostly love themselves...at least to the extent that only their needs matter. But they have very fragile egos and any threat to that causes them to act out.

1. Will my narc miss me? Doesn’t he feel guilty about how he has treated me?

The later part...no, sorry. Not really.
The former part...they miss having supply. If he is ever low on supply (eg: other woman leaves) he may feel 'lonely'. But it isn't in the same way that we feel lonely. It's more like hunger.

10. Has anyone ever decided to seek revenge against their narc for the narcissist abuse they have suffered? If so, what did you do?

I'm sure this is a common thought. But it is also a stupid one. The best revenge is to live a happy life without them.

11. Are narcs more likely to be misogynists? More likely to have a Madonna whore complex?

Sure. No normal person has a madona-whore complex.

12. What’s it like being a friend of a narcissist? I don’t have any narc friends. I wonder how my narc’s friends perceive him.

It depends on the friendship dynamics. My longterm female friend for example...well with me also being female that meant that she viewed me as a competator. It got to the point where she went full blown 'single white female' (film) on me. She would fling her self at any man I liked for example. But it started off just where I would excuses her behaviour as insecurity...even though she was always kinda boasting...which when you think about it - doesn't make sense. Be aware of people who seem to take your hobbies, interest ext as their own. Often narcissists steal parts of other people to make up their own identities. It really is a vast area though...but if you are constantly excusing someones behaviour as insecurity or 'oh they don't unsterstand that that was hurtful' ect...be aware you might have a narc friend.

13. In the lovebomb phase, my narc confided in me that he can be cruel, selfish, cut people off, etc. Can he really be a narc if he’s that self aware?

It is REALLY common for narcissists to say stuff like this. Even really early on in dating. They might flat out say 'I am a narcissist' or 'a bad person'. This is another good way to spot them early. It isn't self awareness - its a test to see if you will say 'oh I don't believe you are a bad person'. Then they know they have you fooled.

14. Are there different degrees of narcissism? A bit of a narc? Very narc? A complete narc? NPD?

There are two spectrums in my opinion 1. Normal to selfish prick.
2. Narcissist. There can be narcissists that are 'worse' or different to others. But I don't believe in the whole 'narcissistic traits' view. If they actually have narcissistic traits-it's probably because they are a narcissist.

15. Did he choose me or did I (very empathic, kind, gentle, likeable, full of love, dreamy) chose him?

As in all dating, it has to be a little bit of both.
But in my experience - narcissists aren't actually fussy. They like nice people, confident people, open books. Some are attracted to the meek and the weak yes, but mostly they prefer stong people, because they enjoy the challenge of breaking them down. And because confidence and niceness ect...that's sexy to everyone.

16. After you were discarded did you bother to ask them why and try to get answers or closure?

I actually walked away from mine. Well, bar the guy I lived with. But I was already to the point where I couldn't stand him any more. I mean my head was still foggy as he had done a right number on me but I knew I didn't like the way he treated me and would be better with him gone. After a few weeks i was just relieved. Like I was finally able to breathe again.

Closure...that's a difficult area. I think you need to know that you will never get closure from any interaction with them. They do not want you to get closure, because they do not want to set you free. It's like a toddler with a new toy, they may not play with the old toy anymore...but it's still 'mine!'.

The best thing to do might be to write a letter to them with everything you want to say, and then burn it.

You have to find some way to make your own closure.

17. What is more likely, a) he moved on because he found a newer shinier supply or b) he got bored of me/decided I was no longer on a pedestal?

Narcissists tend to like to have another supply source set up before leaving one. However, it depends on their motivation for 'leaving'. In your case, he may just be 'ghosting; in order to punish you. In which case there doesn't need to be someone else rn.

If they are getting supply from social occasions/friends/fame ect there doesn't necessarily have to be a fixed primary supply (ie: another women) for them to discard you/put you aside. But often there is.

It is, awful. Awful. Be so grateful you escaped.

@FlowerArranger, well said.
A narcisstic person usually has no conscious or empathy so is capable of taking revenge that most people would not dream of.
Ex's new woman will find out soon enough so just cut off contact and let time do the rest.

I remember looking into his eyes & seeing the sky etc reflected back at me. Nothing else. It was like some sort of weird epiphany. His eyes reflected back the world around him, they were not windows to his soul, because he had no soul

This also resonates with me, I see black when I look into his eyes, just black to match his black empty soul

It's the weirdest thing when you see it isn't it Muddling. I now recognise it in others too, which is very useful to avoid these dangerous types.

I realised afterwards that I'd missed another similar red flag. Mine was a musician in a typically emotive genre of music. He was technically brilliant, but there was something missing when he played. I remember discussing it with a close friend & described his playing as lacking soul. Hindsight eh!

Mine just asked my why I was crying. I didn't tell him. He'd just use the explanation against me. He doesn't ask out of any sense of empathy, just curiosity or opportunism.

@RockinHippy it’s eerie, I actually avoid eye contact with him as it’s like looking into the soul of the devil, although I think the devil has more kindness & self awareness.

@Therebythedoor exactly, it’s not because they care, it’s so they can gather more info into what makes you tick so they can use it against you at a later date.

Thank you all for your replies! I’m reading them all and taking everything in. It’s a big help.

Narcissists don't have empathy so they are incapable of understanding that their behaviour can cause upset. The best thing to do with a narcissist its disengage and have nothing to do with them. I wish I could say they can change but they don't. I've unfortunately had quite a few narcissistic men in my life and they are always amazed by tears or an expression of feeling. It's as though they have no idea that other people have feelings - even though they do themselves. Weird.

Oh, all these sound just like my ex. We've been split for nearly 2 years and he constantly hoovered me back asking for favours, still wanting sex and like a fool I did it.
He's moved in with another woman and her children now after 2 months together, he is the type of person who can't be alone.

This especially stands out!

1. Will my narc miss me? Doesn’t he feel guilty about how he has treated me?

he'll miss what you can do for him. He has no true understanding of guilt.

Everytime he wanted help I always did it as he knew I would. The final straw came yesterday, as he had out 2 DC overnight before he moved out and I had told him the day before he would need to drop them off to me before school as I don't have much petrol or money to collect them. He said yes to this.
As expected he got my eldest to message me asking me to pick them up. He then got really pissed off when I said no, I actually stood my ground for once and he hated it, so much so he didn't drop them off to me till 9.10 so they were late for school. I felt empowered.
It won't be long till he does this with his new girlfriend as he hasn't changed and is too set in his ways and blameless in everything and has zero empathy.

Dr Ramani
Dr Les Carter

on YouTube.

Research until your head understanding meets your heart hurt. This is not about you and you didn't cause it.

25 years here and beautiful children home and life, all discarded because of a crisis about getting old and pursuit of the new shiny (4 of them so far).

I understand it intellectually but I will never, ever get it.

PollyJean - Two months have passed since your last post. Have you been hoovered?