Is it better to stop an unreliable dad seeing his dc completely?

[Peanutbuttermouth]

Just been reading a thread where posters were advising a mum to cut her baby's contact with a shitty dad so that he couldn't swoop in and out of the child's life.

My ex is doing exactly that. My dc are 5 and 7 and are (I believe) being damaged by feelings of rejection due to their dad being inconsistent with contact (didn't see them for 2 months before Christmas then saw them for an hour on Christmas day and twice since for an hour each time - all at my house. He says in front of them things like "I've ticked the box for this week so won't come again til x day" or "I need to step back from parenting and look after myself".

So far I've taken the route of least hassle for us all - letting him come round when he wants because I know the kids want to see him. I pick up the phone when he calls because otherwise he'll drop round uninvited. I figured a dad for an hour a week was better than no dad.

Now I'm not so sure. My kids have gone to his mum's for the weekend (unknown to him) and he has found out and is now calling me (I'm not answering) and texting "stop using my mum so you can have a dirty weekend". It's made me see clearly that him refusing proper contact with the kids is a form of control. He cannot possibly give a fuck about our kids.

So what do I do in this situation? Please help, I'm desperate to do the right thing by my kids but don't know what that is.

If relevant, we've been separated for 2 years and once he realised I wasn't taking him back (around 6 months into separation) that's when the contact became inconsistent. So around 1.5 years.

Take him to court. Get arrangements sorted that he has to stick to.

I think when You make the decision to stop contact then you potentially put yourself in the bad guy position, and the dc grow up and resent you. Dad can play the victim and tell them he wanted a relationship but was thwarted by you.

Also, he could go to court for a custody agreement and end up having them more & overnights etc. which if he not that good with them would probably be more of a concern?

Can you do mediation and agree a set pattern. I agree consistency is very important and he should be being a parent when he sees them. Not a guest in your house. Can you speak to his mum about it as you have a good relationship? Contact visits at hers supervised by her?

Let him take you to court for custody.
As long as you can show that he's been inconsistent and abusive (keep all the messages) he won't have a leg to stand on in terms of getting his own way.
He will, however, be given a schedule to stick to and when he doesn't the repercussions are all on him.

I'm currently in a very similar situation to you, trying to do the best for the child and ending up with no end of difficulty for it. After court threats for the best part of 7 years, I'm just embracing it now. Take me to court. Get yourself laughed out of it.

In these circumstances I think it’s helpful to think about what your children are learning from the relationship with their dad. If a dad or mum is treating kids like they can be picked up and dropped again when the parent feels like it/has a better offer/when it works for them then what is that treating them about their value and how they should expect to be treated in friendships or adult relationships; is that how you’d want them to be treated by future partners or would you want them to know that it’s ok to have boundaries and not let people treat you like that

Sadly you can't make them stick to contact. My friend tried this because her ex expected to swan in and out. If she said it wasn't convenient (the kids had a party or something) he'd go apeshit. So she went to court and agreed contact giving him the choice of days. The arsehole didn't bother sticking to them.

I haven't been in this position but my friend has. Her ex was horribly unreliable, at one point turning up 3 hours late then wanting to speak to the kids to "explain" why he wasn't having them. She stood on the doorstep and said that's enough, you can come back when they're 18 and explain then why you cared so little about them now.
It was breaking their hearts and making them feel so worthless, it was definitely the best decision. They're both over 18 now and haven't heard from him in years.

because I know the kids want to see him

You know why they want to see him? Because they're desperate to try and make him love them after hearing shit like this:

He says in front of them things like "I've ticked the box for this week so won't come again til x day" or "I need to step back from parenting and look after myself".

You need to step up and protect them. That's horrifying.

If you split because of his coercive control then maybe speak to Women's Aid for some advice.

He's not being a dad in that "hour a week". Not even close. The kids are a weapon to him.

If he drops round uninvited don't answer the door. He's trying to make you jump whenever he clicks his fingers.

My horribly abusive Ex was awful at sustained contact. I had a year of minimal contact, a year of nothing, a year of sporadic etc etc etc. He even arranged to take them on holiday and then didn’t turn up to pick them up. Fucking prick.

We split 5 years ago (when DC were 1 and 4). In the last year, the contact has been ongoing, and regular. We still hate each other but he now has a reasonably good relationship with the children. They enjoy seeing him and he’s stepping up his game (he’s still a monumental prick paying minimal support. But he’s stepped up his game as a dad) Still has no input into school, homework, “parenting” etc but they enjoy their contact with him.

What I guess I’m saying is that I’m glad I stuck with it and let them see him when he decided he wanted to. I think it’s worked out the best for the children.

My DD is 7 and has an extremely unreliable father. She's heard every excuse in the book every time he's hours late or just doesn't turn up. I've bent over backwards for years to make up for every time he's let her down. One Christmas he didn't turn up until an hour after bedtime, she waited all day. This Christmas he didn't turn up at all. It's her birthday in 4 days and he hasn't been in touch for 3 weeks. As a result of everything he's dropped the ball on spanning years, she is suffering from anxiety and she's extremely clingy. And I am fit to kill the bastard. She's my only child and he has another DD who she can't see because he's messed things up with her mother so she's desperately missing her sister too.
She's now decided she doesn't want to see him any more. Given her age I'm inclined to agree that she should have a choice. At least if he takes it to court she should have a say now.
I'd say stop trying, he's ruining his relationship with your kids all on his own. They will know that you've always got their best interests at heart and cutting him off will be protecting them. If he's that bothered he can take you to court but even if he does then you'll be able to have your say and give the history.
for you. These selfish bastards never realise how much they hurt their own kids.

If I take him to court and get days agreed there's nothing to hold him to it and I can guarantee he wouldn't stick to days just to spite me for having spent the money.

I am inclined to cut contact, block and not answer the door etc because I know he won't take me to court. Is that the best for the children in the long run? Seems everyone has a different opinion.

I'd say yes.

Go to court. You don't need a solicitor. Get "his" days agreed/assigned. Then block contact outside those days. Then you've given him a clear way to be a part of their lives and the process by which the contact was decided.

It's not really very appropriate for you to take him to court to try to force him to have contact- as you say, he just won't stick to it.
You need to lay down some structure and boundaries that work for you and that he has no choice about. Firstly, tell him that you no longer want him to have contact with the children in your home. You don't need to give him any reason, but you could say it just doesn't suit you anymore, or that you find it too intrusive in your life. He may not like it, but you are fully justified and within your rights to say this.
Then, it's up to him to find a suitable and realistic place for him to see the children. At a regular time and a regular place. Only agree to it if you think it's a good and workable suggestion. Alternatively, you could talk to your mil about her having the children say once a fortnight on a Saturday and ex sees the children there. Maybe don't even tell the children he is supposed to see them there, until you can gauge if he is turning up there regularly, so they think they're mainly just visiting their grandmother. Don't offer him alternative times if he doesn't bother turning up at these times. If he misses the contact then he has to wait til the next fortnight. If he never turns up, then decrease it officially to monthly and then less and less. Keep a log of when he turns up, and keep all messages etc
If these arrangements don't suit him, then tell HIM to take YOU to court to sort out suitable contact. It's expensive and it's highly unlikely that he will be bothered.
Please talk to the police or a woman's support organisation about his coercive control. You need to be free of this.

I was a DC of this style of contact. It was awful. I never knew when I would see my dad, he would turn up at my mums when he felt like it, could be twice a year or once or at the school too. He loved being the 'cool' exciting dad who would put my mum down. It was horrendous.... I have been left with lots of issues as an adult, anxiety, lack of trust, a feeling that I am not worthy.... it's dreadful

The only good thing about getting the contact set by court is that it stops the games where they expect the children to be at hand whenever they feel like playing dad. So for the days where my friends ex didn't have contact she could relax. There was only one weekend in two where she was in knots about whether he'd bother..
Her ex is currently bleating to all and sundry that he's being denied access but when he had it he didn't bloody bother! Grrr

It sounds like you have a good relationship with their GM. Can the visits there carry on?

His jealousy at the idea of you having child free time is worrying.
He is using the dc. You know him best. You put a lot of thought into the court idea versus no contact.
Or would his mum be happy to be the 'contact center' once a month? He sees the dc but you are not involved?

Why don’t you put a regular arrangement in place with the GPs. Then tell him if he wants to see them, he can do it whilst they are there. Stop him coming to your house. He is doing this as a form of control.
I don’t think stopping contact is a good idea, your children will be hurt. Tell him he can see them at his parents and then you block him. He won’t impact much on his parents time with them if he can only spare an hour. What a useless waste of space he is. Does he not even take them out anywhere?? Shocking

If you take him to court to set the days, even if he doesn't turn up or is inconsistent or Late etc, you have to till make the dc's available in case he does turn up because that is the court order you wanted.

If he carries on being inconsistent you have to take him back to court to change it.

This is what my solicitor advised me.

She said whilst I can see you are trying to do the right thing, let him take you to court.

Then if he doesn't turn up, it's him breaching his own requested court order.

I honestly think court will be useless in our case. He won't stick to anything court ordered so it will be a huge hassle for me with no result.
I half heartedly tried an arrangement with his mum but really she is as useless as he is because she is also under his control. The last time she had my kids for a weekend he fell out with her and we didn't hear from her for 6 months.
I seem to be screwed whatever I try.

When does he usually turn up? Is there any pattern to it?

I would cut contact and advise him to go to court. If he really cared he would- but I doubt he will.
Your poor kids.