Is it better to stop an unreliable dad seeing his dc completely?

[Peanutbuttermouth]

Just been reading a thread where posters were advising a mum to cut her baby's contact with a shitty dad so that he couldn't swoop in and out of the child's life.

My ex is doing exactly that. My dc are 5 and 7 and are (I believe) being damaged by feelings of rejection due to their dad being inconsistent with contact (didn't see them for 2 months before Christmas then saw them for an hour on Christmas day and twice since for an hour each time - all at my house. He says in front of them things like "I've ticked the box for this week so won't come again til x day" or "I need to step back from parenting and look after myself".

So far I've taken the route of least hassle for us all - letting him come round when he wants because I know the kids want to see him. I pick up the phone when he calls because otherwise he'll drop round uninvited. I figured a dad for an hour a week was better than no dad.

Now I'm not so sure. My kids have gone to his mum's for the weekend (unknown to him) and he has found out and is now calling me (I'm not answering) and texting "stop using my mum so you can have a dirty weekend". It's made me see clearly that him refusing proper contact with the kids is a form of control. He cannot possibly give a fuck about our kids.

So what do I do in this situation? Please help, I'm desperate to do the right thing by my kids but don't know what that is.

Ask you children if they want to see daddy. If they do then let him see them as and when he can, but to let you know and say nothing to them. That way if he doesn't turn up they won't feel rejected.

Cutting him out of their life leaves you open for him to tell them that mummy didn't let them see him and paints you the bad guy. They may also resent you later on.

I had the same thing only my ex is more unreliable as he goes for years not seeing them. He didn’t see them for 2 years then asked to see them again. I let him, he saw them once and then decided he didn’t want to see them again . So that’s it I will not allow contact again. Sometimes it’s for the best. I don’t care if he tells them I stopped contact, I have messages where he states he doesn’t want to see them.

As I said earlier, youou have to put some structure into the situation- for your kids sake and your own.
After your last post re your mil, then you could still tell him (in an email, so you have proof) that you no longer want him visiting at your house and he needs to make a regular fortnightly arrangement to see them somewhere else that is suitable. The first place he will suggest is probably going to be his mother's. Let him feel as though he has made the decision.
Failing that, he could see both children at the local park (arrange a specific time for this, if he fails to turn up, just go home when you're ready).
If he doesn't turn up for any of the park visits visits, after 3 or 4 times, inform him that you're not continueing to make the children available to him at those times, and that he'll need to suggest a siutable alternative plan if he wants to see his children.
Tell him he needs to make a regular committment to see them and to stick to it. If he says he can only manage monthly or three monthly, then go with that initially. At least the children and you will know when to expect his visit, and you can all get on with your lives. If he still mucks them about, then stop the contact on the basis that sporadic irregular contactit is damaging to the dc. At this point, if he doesn't like your decision, call his bluff and tell him he can choose to go to court. (He won't go through with it).
Alternatively move at least 50 miles away, and don't let him have your actual address. This worked wonders for me and my young daughter at the time, as it stopped all the unannounced visits
Your kids won't blame you when they're older for stopping contact if you can honestly say to them that you tried your best to maintain contact between them and him, without it being damaging to them. They'll be able to see that you're the one that cared for and loved them throughout their childhoods, and the one that was always there for them.
Please do take the advice and contact Woman's aid as they will be able to support you through this tricky time.

@selmababies thank you for these suggestions, they are probably the best suited to my situation. Moving house is tempting but out of my reach at the moment and the worst part of all this is that whatever I do or say he still turns up unannounced and I think a big part of this is wanting to check I'm not with another man.

I took advice and emailed and whatsapped him saying that contact at my house would no longer work and that he could liaise with his/my mum to arrange contact. I copied both our mums in. He left the whatsapp without saying anything. I then blocked him. Fingers crossed this helps!

Well done!
Quite honestly, he'd be doing your kids a massive favour if he just stayed away and never bothered seeing them again.

Your next step, when/ if he contacts you again, is to ask him to choose a time and day to see them regularly. This could be weekly, fortnightly or monthly. Let him know you'll trial it for two months to see how it goes, and then review it at the end of that time. Obviously, adjust it downwards if he's not keeping to it.