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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My babies dad has been leading a double life!

43 replies

MammaToBe2019 · 18/01/2020 07:56

This is a long one so please bare with.
The father of my son and i have been on and off for 13 years, he has 2 older children which he had in those years when we weren't together. We had a baby last July but he wasn't there, he disappeared, quit his job, moved town etc and didn't show up until October when our baby was 13 weeks old. When he got back in contact i asked if he was seeing anyone, he told me no, he was single and he hates being single, hes living out of his car at work etc So he starts staying at mine every weekend, seeing our son and sleeping in my bed. I then find out today, he has a very pregnant girlfriend in the town he moved to in July that he got pregnant straight away in July and he has been with her since last May!! She knew nothing about our baby! He had been lying to us both! He has also been meeting up and sleeping with another girl too! I messaged him and went mad as i had asked him countless times if he was seeing anyone else and he told me no over and over again. Now i feel stupid and lost and crushed tbh He has been living with this girl and her other child, raising another mans child whilst he was ignoring his own and now has another baby on the way! My emotions are all over the place. I'm not sure what the purpose of me writing on here is if im honest, i just needed to rant a little 😢

OP posts:
Weenurse · 18/01/2020 08:00

Block him and have no further contact.

Frenchw1fe · 18/01/2020 08:04

He showed his true colours when he left while you were pregnant.

Block him.
He's not worth a minute of your time.

Original poster
MammaToBe2019 · 18/01/2020 08:08

I want to but he keeps saying he wants to still see our son and be a part of his life, if i stop him i know he will go around making me out to be the bad guy :( I can't win with him, he turns everything around on me. He had the cheek to say he wants us to still be good friends! Puh personally i want to set fire to him but obviously thats frowned upon so I can't do it lol I have to put up with this jerk for the rest of my life, why was i so stupid :(

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 18/01/2020 08:12

Block him & go through the CSA.

He sounds a total waste of blood & organs.

Original poster
MammaToBe2019 · 18/01/2020 08:17

I told him i was going to take him through csa and he told me he will quit his job and work cash in hand so our child gets nothing! This new baby is his 4th! He is in a very well paid job at the moment. It's hurt me that he can be there for another womans child and make another baby after he has treated our son the way he has, pretending he doesn't even exist! His girlfriend now knows everything and i feel sorry for her, she is innocent and knew nothing about the kind of person he really is.

OP posts:
kimlo · 18/01/2020 08:18

don't stop contact. Just stop letting him sleep in your bed. If he wants contact he can pick him up and drop him back off. Dont engage with him about anything other than your son. Deal with money by going to the cms.

He wont do it, he'll go away.

Original poster
MammaToBe2019 · 18/01/2020 08:23

I wouldn't stop contact as sadly my 6 month old son absolutely adores him and gets so excited to see him 😔 He pays me through mutual agreement but it is not alot considering he is earning nearly 50k a year. I have never asked for much from him, it was always more important for me for him to be involved with our son. He will NEVER step foot in my bedroom again, i would rather become a nun than touch him again.

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 18/01/2020 08:25

So he’s bed hopping between you both. I’d also have an STI check as you both won’t be the only ones hes shagging

I agree block him and cms for your son
If he wants contact tell him eow and leave it there. Everything done through email

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/01/2020 08:29

Not many jobs paying cih pay £50k though. That’s a big amount to rinse through the company books.

Original poster
MammaToBe2019 · 18/01/2020 08:29

Oh we both know we are not the only 2! It has all just came out. I honestly don't know how he finds the time.
Again, if i go through cms he will quit his job, he does pay me monthly with a mutual agreement so that isn't the problem.
He has also been told the only time he is to contact me is if it is regarding our son. I do not want to be his friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
MammaToBe2019 · 18/01/2020 08:30

It's 47k a year he is on, he is a area manager for a very big company so he travels around alot which obviously helps him have women in different areas!

OP posts:
KellyHall · 18/01/2020 08:30

You really nees to block him. If he's on the birth certificate you can go through CSA and if he really wants meaningful contact he'll have to apply through the courts. Bollocks to anything he says about you to others, people who know you properly will know the truth and no-one else matters.

If he'd quit his job just so he doesn't have to pay maintenance for his beloved child, I can't see him fighting for access and I certainly wouldn't be upset about removing him from your dc's life.

You do realise that he is a role model for your dc? Do you want your dc to be like him? Or to let people treat your dc the way your ex treats others?

Shouldbedoing · 18/01/2020 08:32

He won't quit his job. They all say that. He'll like the status and income from a £50K job

user7522689 · 18/01/2020 08:32

son absolutely adores him and gets so excited to see him

Yeh, because he's hardly ever there and it's a novelty. All young children with a parent who's mostly absent or ignores them will act like they adore that parent because they're craving the parent's attention and desperately want to make the parent love them.

Doesn't mean it's a healthy situation or positive for their development and wellbeing. Especially if the parent repeatedly makes the child feel rejected/unloveable by flaking out, disappearing, or otherwise being emotionally neglectful.

Look up developmental trauma before you let this man swoop in and out of your son's life.

dottiedodah · 18/01/2020 08:52

As others have said .Block him and dont have anything to do with him . Bad news!

RLEOM · 18/01/2020 10:33

My ex was similar. He'll never change. Block, minimal contact over child/ren.

SandyY2K · 18/01/2020 11:22

A 6 month old will get used to him not being around.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 18/01/2020 11:26

Let him quit his job if he wants. He can live out of his car and then you don't have to allow contact because he has nowhere safe to take your son.

You'll be ok financially, one way or another.

Go through CSA and get formal contact set up. Don't make it easy for him.

I'm sorry he's done this to you.

Lozzerbmc · 18/01/2020 11:31

Your son at 6 months will be excited at anyone -frankly babies love people! I wouldnt bother with him at all and only have contact when he contacts you to see his son. He is not likely to be reliable when your son is older - can you imagine For instance him taking your son out for the day when he’s say 5? I cant imagine him being reliable he’ll be a total let down!

Polly99 · 18/01/2020 11:31

I don't think I'd let him see my child if I were you and if you have the option. It's not as though he is going to be a good role model, and any man who can threaten you financially (ie that he won't pay any child support) isn't going to be a reliable co-parent.

NemosPoorlyFinn · 18/01/2020 11:41

Definitely go through cms
You can still make a case even if he's not on the birth certificate (I do)
If he has any objections or tries to play silly bugger I.e saying he's not the father to try and get out of paying then a dna test can be done at his expense

Also I wouldn't believe he would leave his job
He's trying to call your bluff
Does he not pay anything for his other children at all?

Beseen19 · 18/01/2020 11:45

Hes an area manager for a large company and he is going to quite the security and wage of that to work cash in hand? It's not like hes a tradesman where he has the ability to do that. No one wants a cash in hand area manager! Put in a claim. Contact is your decision, totally understand why you want to encourage it but I don't imagine from his track record that hes going to be a consistent stand up dad for your son.

Interestedwoman · 18/01/2020 14:22

What an awful man. :(

I don't think he would give up a salary like that OP. Think it's an empty threat.

RightOnTheEdge · 18/01/2020 14:26

So let him quit his job op!
It's highly unlikely he is going to give up a wage like that to work cash in hand jobs and even if he does that's his loss!
Do it properly, go through the right channels and make him take some responsibility!

Haffiana · 18/01/2020 17:46

I told him i was going to take him through csa and he told me he will quit his job and work cash in hand so our child gets nothing!

So this man has lied to you for 13 years, but for some reason you take what he says very seriously. This man has shagged his way through 13 years and a bunch of children, and yet you are amazed how he treated you.

Can you actually make a decision on your own, as an adult that doesn't involve what he says/ thinks/will 'tell' everyone about you? You are a mother now, and you need to put your child first. Go through cms because that way you do not have to ask him for money that he should be paying anyway. Your 'arrangement' is just a way of keeping him involved so you can be hopeful about him.

Stop giving this tosspot so much space in your head. He isn't paying you rent for it, you know.

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