Old friend won’t talk to me

[longlostmate]

NC for this, hope this is the right place.

So 8 years ago, when I was about 18, one of my best friends fell out with me. It was a guy, if that makes any difference, but always an entirely platonic friendship. The reason we fell out was because he started getting into drugs, and one day I lost my rag with him a bit. I basically told him that he was being stupid, and it was taking over our friendship. I fully own up to the fact that I was harsh, but anyway. We were part of a bigger group of friends - the strongest, best friendships I ever had. Akin with Stephen King’s quote from Stand By Me: “I never had friends again like the ones I had when I was twelve”. Anyway, after the fall out, I assumed things would blow over and be back to normal again. But it never was. From then on, he refused to speak to me when he saw me, but still spent time with the rest of the group. They eventually drifted apart, a few years on. Because of his point blank refusal to talk to me, I got upset and deleted him off of Facebook. A year or so later, I tried reaching out to him with a long-winded apology for my harshness, but with no pressure to be friends again. He never replied.

He recently popped up as a suggested follow on Twitter. It was a private account, but I thought it was harmless and impersonal, so sent a follow request. It’s not been accepted, so I can only assume it’s been ignored or not seen. My spidey senses are telling me it’s the former.

It’s making me feel sad, as I would like to reconnect with him and know what he’s doing with his life now. From what I know, he’s long since cleaned up his act re. the drugs. I’m too nervous to send him another fb message, in case it’s ignored again.

In case anyone says, I have made plenty of friends since. They’re all wonderful. It’s just that it’s very rare that I make meaningful friendships - it’s especially hard as an adult. I believe it’s important to cherish those good friendships.

Is it time to accept and move on? If you were trying to reach out to an old friend in these circumstances, what would you say?

You can’t make someone talk to you.

Accept the friendship is gone. Move on

He doesn’t want to talk to you. What do you want people to say?

Leave him alone. He knows how to get in touch with you if he wants to.

Silence is an answer. You'd do well to hear it.

You can’t someone want to be friends with you. You apologised, he still isnt interested. Nothing else you can do and it would be disrespectful and pushy to keep trying.

I haven’t tried at all, in several years. The twitter request was all.

Some unkind responses, though. Thanks, Mumsnet.

The friendship obviously wasn't as meaningful to him as it was to you. I'd accept it's well and truly over at this stage.

I would like to point out that I don’t expect or want to be friends again. I live too far away for that to be the case.

I merely hoped for a reconnection, a chat - would’ve assumed he’d matured and gotten over it by now. But evidently that’s not the case.

Everyone thinks their teenage friendships are the best, but they arent always.

What did you learn here??

I went thro the same, friend who got into drugs. Friendship faltered. I look back now and think, meh. It drifted for a reason. Stop second guessing xxx

@something2say

Thank you for the response - that was the sort of empathy I needed!

I agree that it did drift for a reason. Maybe I’m just frustrated that I was left in the dark, with no further explanation.

Lots of guys I know don't have the sane approach to (opposite sex) friendships that many women do. I.e. they're either with a woman as a partner/gf/fwb or not, end of. They're not interested in.platonic friendships with women.

If he's like that, and he's not single (which is likely for many people at any time) then he sees no point in trying to be friends with you - esp when its not even a natural, convenient friendship but reviving one from long ago in the context of a place and friendship group that has broken up (presumably).

He probably just doesn't see the point and doesn't care enough to clear the air or reminisce with you.

But what explanation do you need?

You were harsh with him, he stopped speaking to you and that was the end of the friendship. You apologised, and he chose not accept or acknowledge that, as he's entitled to do. You evidently crossed a line for him and he feels no reason to allow you back into his life again. Forgiving and forgetting isn't obligatory.

Yes agree men are not normally and generally interested in women unless they think (to put it crudely) they will get some sex out of it in the near or distant future. (Cynical old bird speaking!

Sorry I should add that the above might not be as apparent when they're young a d not coupled up, but is v much the case when they get into serial monogamy/coupledom.

It is the minority of guys I know who are open to platonic friendships with women, esp ones that don't exist naturally, spontaneously and conveniently through work/friend&s partners/hobbies, whatever.

Your friendship fell apart over his drug use & behaviour back then .. and he didn't/doesn't value it enough to be bothered catching up or reconciling in the time since. As I say a big part of that is probably how he views opposite sex friendships - if he's like many men, they're not interested in them.

He has moved on. It can be hard to be on the receiving end of, but he doesn't have to forgive you. I'm with category12 here.

@GilbertMarkham You make an interesting point! Now that I think about it, it’s been a long time since he’s spoken to the other girl who was in our group.

You’re feeling a little sentimental, but it will pass. Focus on your life as it is now.

I knew you'd like the answer that appealed to your ego a bit more.

I totally get this. I had two amazing friends in school aged 12. They're not much interested in getting back in touch when I've tried.

I don't know why some people are being so nasty.

I agree he doesn’t have to forgive me. Nobody does.

It’s his choice - if I had committed some heinous act of betrayal, I’d understand better.

People are just weird and hold grudges? Perhaps that’s the lesson I’ve learnt here.

@NotNowPlzz

I agree, there’s been some nasty responses. You get kinder responses to people admitting they had an affair!

Exactly. Some people struggle to develop friendships like those in their childhood/teens. Yes, there’s a lot of sentimentality involved, but people reminisce over all sorts of things. This is one of them.

I knew you'd like the answer that appealed to your ego a bit more.

Wtf.

I could've wrong but I don't think he's holding a grudge; I think it's the opposite, indifference and doesn't see the point.

For some men any effort towards contact with a woman named involved the following simple questions; am i shagging her, do I want to continue shagging her, do I want to start shagging her, is she available for shagging? If the answer is no to any of those, they'll ignore and go back to doing something that is of relative interest to them.

Oh I forgot to add that the exception to the above is obviously women they are related to and do not hate.

*not sure how 'named' snuck.in there, old ignore.